Tick...tick...tick.
Ah. Final week in Moncton, and it's already Tuesday. For those of you who already know my plight, you'd understand my simple joy of going back to Halifax. Yes. The Halifax that I once thought to be dreadful as well.
It is bad when most of the day you are hanging out with people twice your age (no offence to my doc, he IS fitter than I am), but it would be nice to have my peers around. Or my guitar. My bed. My own internet connection. My PS2. You get the drift. I've been down this alley before. I won't be watching TV anymore. No more temptation. (As you can see, it's one of those love hate relationships, love to watch TV, but hate how it's eating up my time).
Just yesterday I was thinking about personal history and how I myself was still 'highschool-ish' when I was in university. I remember how I'd trust a certain someone when he told me what he had heard. It was unfortunate enough that I trusted him, but it was worse when I acted out because of it. That was me. Naive. And trusted ppl easily. I guess in a way it is good. I'm so insistent this days to see it for myself. It's bad a person, but good as a doctor.
Man. Where's the fine balance in that ?
Why am I talking about this ? It's just something I've been observing these days. Whether it's talking to ppl or reading posts in a forum. We all dont' act logically, no matter what we think. We all say, yeah, I've thought it through. But have we really. Take me in the case of above. I didn't think the information through. I just followed my heart and instincts that if a good friend told you this, it must be true.
Humans are not logical beings. Sorry, I stand corrected. Humans are not efficiently logical beings. A lot of times, our decisions are compromised by our feelings. Disagree? Try calming down first, and then reread my post. Then sit down again, when your absolutely feeling free, and contemplate. :)
I'm sure you'll agree then.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
the buzz
Every year, I go through this akward phase of reflection. I notice, this is also when I start to get lazy. I find it so weird and at the same time so hard, to chose being doing good and doing bad. Ah. A year has passed since I've been here overseas. No real change in my life. Well. As far as running away, I know and it has been proven time and time again, it never works, and this time around, I learn the exact same moral. It's not going to change. Wherever you go, there are weird people. It's just how you tackle it.
If life was a charging bull, do you grab it by the horns or do you let it hit you over and over again? Right now, sometimes, I feel I'm being rammed by over and over again. No. The answer to your question, IF be it that something bad's happening to me right now. Nothing is happening. And that's the exact problem isn't it? Nothing isn't good. Nothingness as the silent night, where not even crickets make their musical sounds. The kind of quiet, when not even a whisper, not even a pin drop is heard. Ahhh, the drama unfolds, as the 'prince' sits and contemplate.
I know, this blog may sound a little too emotional, or even selfish, and at many times not make sense at all.
Ah. The drama unfolds. :)
Few days ago, the doctor was telling my questions that he had asked in an interview for entry to med school. The question was: "What would you do differently if you had a choice to make a change in your life?"
What would I do differently? Sometimes, I do wonder, what happens if I took on the bad a$$ attitude instead of this? Like, being retardedly sarcastic and cycnical towards everything and everyone. Crap. If someone had said something nasty to me, I really do wish to ram it down their own throats sometimes, instead of going, sorry you felt that way. I find it hard to play the collective calm and cool character anymore.
So, this year, like a reality show on tv, which path should someone choose?
Dramatic isn't it ? Haha. I already know the answer. Just convincing myself that it is more beneficial to stay on this one than the other. Aiks, don't worry, I'm not switching sides. Just contemplating.
Need to talk to God......
If life was a charging bull, do you grab it by the horns or do you let it hit you over and over again? Right now, sometimes, I feel I'm being rammed by over and over again. No. The answer to your question, IF be it that something bad's happening to me right now. Nothing is happening. And that's the exact problem isn't it? Nothing isn't good. Nothingness as the silent night, where not even crickets make their musical sounds. The kind of quiet, when not even a whisper, not even a pin drop is heard. Ahhh, the drama unfolds, as the 'prince' sits and contemplate.
I know, this blog may sound a little too emotional, or even selfish, and at many times not make sense at all.
Ah. The drama unfolds. :)
Few days ago, the doctor was telling my questions that he had asked in an interview for entry to med school. The question was: "What would you do differently if you had a choice to make a change in your life?"
What would I do differently? Sometimes, I do wonder, what happens if I took on the bad a$$ attitude instead of this? Like, being retardedly sarcastic and cycnical towards everything and everyone. Crap. If someone had said something nasty to me, I really do wish to ram it down their own throats sometimes, instead of going, sorry you felt that way. I find it hard to play the collective calm and cool character anymore.
So, this year, like a reality show on tv, which path should someone choose?
Dramatic isn't it ? Haha. I already know the answer. Just convincing myself that it is more beneficial to stay on this one than the other. Aiks, don't worry, I'm not switching sides. Just contemplating.
Need to talk to God......
Friday, May 26, 2006
injustice
Well, if anything at all, I didn't want to turn this site into a b****ing site, but who am I kidding? My title says it all.
The one thing which I was extremely not pleased about was, someone calling me irresponsible after I've apologized for my mistake. Sure, I gave one too many excuses, but to say I'm irresponsible and not accept my apology, and also my promise to make it up to that person, this totally makes the blood rise right up to my neck.
And dude, even if you want to fault me, don't make up lies. I know how well you lie, and it IRKS me. UGH!
Tsk tsk. Sometimes, it feels horrible to do the right thing. To have to back off and not say anything. To be the polite one and say "Yes sir" when that person is directly pouring crap all over you. Sorry dude, if you read this. But this time, I'm not holding it in anymore. I cannot tolerate it when ppl try to step all over me. I am NOT a floor mat, nor am I a carpet. If you are having a power trip, go trip on something else. Go scold your wall, your toilet bowl, your dishes, whatever that floats your boat. DO NOT pour it on me. Okay? Doesn't mean that because I've been nice, I won't beat the living day lights out of you.
Sorry to all those that may be shocked by this post. I just couldn't tolerate it anymore. Please, I'm asking you nicely, don't try to step on me like I'm dirt. I'm human too. Unless, this is how you treat all humans.
The one thing which I was extremely not pleased about was, someone calling me irresponsible after I've apologized for my mistake. Sure, I gave one too many excuses, but to say I'm irresponsible and not accept my apology, and also my promise to make it up to that person, this totally makes the blood rise right up to my neck.
And dude, even if you want to fault me, don't make up lies. I know how well you lie, and it IRKS me. UGH!
Tsk tsk. Sometimes, it feels horrible to do the right thing. To have to back off and not say anything. To be the polite one and say "Yes sir" when that person is directly pouring crap all over you. Sorry dude, if you read this. But this time, I'm not holding it in anymore. I cannot tolerate it when ppl try to step all over me. I am NOT a floor mat, nor am I a carpet. If you are having a power trip, go trip on something else. Go scold your wall, your toilet bowl, your dishes, whatever that floats your boat. DO NOT pour it on me. Okay? Doesn't mean that because I've been nice, I won't beat the living day lights out of you.
Sorry to all those that may be shocked by this post. I just couldn't tolerate it anymore. Please, I'm asking you nicely, don't try to step on me like I'm dirt. I'm human too. Unless, this is how you treat all humans.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
hey mambo
Hey Mambo! No more-a moozzarella. Hey Mambo! Hey Mambo Italiano...
Right. As you can see, I'm in better spirits today. I'm counting down the days that I get back to my room. To my guitar. My bed. My radio. My books. My table. My food. My non stick pan. My own utensils. My bathroom. My roomies. My shoes. My..
and the list goes on....
It's not that I don't like it here. I'm sure I will. If only I had a car.
Anyway, the topic that I wanted to blog about today was, about strange behaviors of a teenager. After the long weekend, and bineg bored out of my wits, I watched (what I believe to be) 4 hours back to back of Laguna Beach. For all who don't know what it is, it's a filming of real life teenagers and their love affairs and cat fights... and what nots that you can expect from a teenager. It's funny. It was like, boy A likes girl A but girl A likes boy B. Girl B likes boy A, but boy A only treats girl B as his best friend. When girl A breaks up with boy A, boy A runs to girl B for comfort. Ends up sleeping with her for a rebound. Then, boy A tries to get back with girl A, and girl A gives him false hopes when she actually like boy B now. Girl B however, is totally clueless about things, and thinking she and boy A has it going on. Phew. And that's only one sub group of the show. There was another love triangle going on somewhere else.
Is that really how teenage life is ? I remember myself kinda ... er herm... being in smoe of those situations before. (Won't say which one). My question is why? Why do we put ourselves through situations like those when we don't have to? ANd the way they talk, strut and behave was as if to prove something to someone. I guess, teen years are all about that. It's the formative years right? So what happens and how one acts is what becomes of them eventually. I laugh everytime I see someone make that kinda of mistake. But I guess, at some point, I went through the same mistakes.
Darn. How come I never had so many girls go after me. Haha.
...
...
...
Right. I shall run away in shyness with a paper bag on my head. Toodles.
Right. As you can see, I'm in better spirits today. I'm counting down the days that I get back to my room. To my guitar. My bed. My radio. My books. My table. My food. My non stick pan. My own utensils. My bathroom. My roomies. My shoes. My..
and the list goes on....
It's not that I don't like it here. I'm sure I will. If only I had a car.
Anyway, the topic that I wanted to blog about today was, about strange behaviors of a teenager. After the long weekend, and bineg bored out of my wits, I watched (what I believe to be) 4 hours back to back of Laguna Beach. For all who don't know what it is, it's a filming of real life teenagers and their love affairs and cat fights... and what nots that you can expect from a teenager. It's funny. It was like, boy A likes girl A but girl A likes boy B. Girl B likes boy A, but boy A only treats girl B as his best friend. When girl A breaks up with boy A, boy A runs to girl B for comfort. Ends up sleeping with her for a rebound. Then, boy A tries to get back with girl A, and girl A gives him false hopes when she actually like boy B now. Girl B however, is totally clueless about things, and thinking she and boy A has it going on. Phew. And that's only one sub group of the show. There was another love triangle going on somewhere else.
Is that really how teenage life is ? I remember myself kinda ... er herm... being in smoe of those situations before. (Won't say which one). My question is why? Why do we put ourselves through situations like those when we don't have to? ANd the way they talk, strut and behave was as if to prove something to someone. I guess, teen years are all about that. It's the formative years right? So what happens and how one acts is what becomes of them eventually. I laugh everytime I see someone make that kinda of mistake. But I guess, at some point, I went through the same mistakes.
Darn. How come I never had so many girls go after me. Haha.
...
...
...
Right. I shall run away in shyness with a paper bag on my head. Toodles.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I'm going nutz...
This is the point of no return. My brain... is melting. I'm not studying. I'm watching tv. I have failed to contain myself from the square box. TV so stimulating. Brain, needs more. It appears as though I'm catching up on all the lost TV time. I MUST STOP. I WILL STOP.
....sombody... pls.. help... me.... I MUST WILL MYSELF TO STUDY...
DOes that sound like I'm going over the edge yet? Today, I went to the mall myself, walked into shops myself. Watched Da Vinci, by myself, and bought smoe CDs coz I was just bored. As if I'm not in debt enough.
If anyone at all, has a cure to all this madness, please, I beg you to share this information with me ASAP. Before I become a tv junkie, and am not able to get anything done.
....the tv is not sending me msgs.... the tv is not sending me msgs.......
....sombody... pls.. help... me.... I MUST WILL MYSELF TO STUDY...
DOes that sound like I'm going over the edge yet? Today, I went to the mall myself, walked into shops myself. Watched Da Vinci, by myself, and bought smoe CDs coz I was just bored. As if I'm not in debt enough.
If anyone at all, has a cure to all this madness, please, I beg you to share this information with me ASAP. Before I become a tv junkie, and am not able to get anything done.
....the tv is not sending me msgs.... the tv is not sending me msgs.......
Thursday, May 18, 2006
this is out of boredom. purely....
Today, I got to do some plastics instead of family medicine. How nice is that. Got to see, breast reduction, carpal tunnel release + synovial cyst removal, dupuytren's contracture correction, and a basal cell carcinoma removal. AND, I got to put in my 2nd chest tube. :) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA.
Satisfaction. This has so far been an interesting family medicine rotation. I LOVE IT. I would love the town much more if I had a car. Anyone willing to lend me their car for the next 3 weeks ? PLs pls... PWETTY PLEASE with strawberries and whip cream on top... ?
Satisfaction. This has so far been an interesting family medicine rotation. I LOVE IT. I would love the town much more if I had a car. Anyone willing to lend me their car for the next 3 weeks ? PLs pls... PWETTY PLEASE with strawberries and whip cream on top... ?
this is out of boredom. purely....
Today, I got to do some plastics instead of family medicine. How nice is that. Got to see, breast reduction, carpal tunnel release + synovial cyst removal, dupuytren's contracture correction, and a basal cell carcinoma removal. AND, I got to put in my 2nd chest tube. :) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA.
Satisfaction. This has so far been an interesting family medicine rotation. I LOVE IT. I would love the town much more if I had a car. Anyone willing to lend me their car for the next 3 weeks ? PLs pls... PWETTY PLEASE with strawberries and whip cream on top... ?
Satisfaction. This has so far been an interesting family medicine rotation. I LOVE IT. I would love the town much more if I had a car. Anyone willing to lend me their car for the next 3 weeks ? PLs pls... PWETTY PLEASE with strawberries and whip cream on top... ?
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
moncton
Pa le eh francais ?
Alright. So I DON'T KNOW french. I want to learn it, and master it, but that'll have to wait. Moncton. Beautiful place. Esp now, when summer's approaching. If the sun is up, it's really beautiful to walk around.
Right now, I'm leaving in this house, which has 7 rooms. But there's only me and this other resident around. He's a PGY1 in gen surg back in Dal. Phew. Luckily I'm not all by myself. Although, house to myself isn't too bad. There's cable. BAD. I've watched i think 4 hours in total in just 2 days. Today, I resolute not to watch anymore, but decided to come online instead to blog and chat with ppl online. Unfortunately, the 2 ppl that I was chatting with, one put up a DND sign and has prob gone to study, the other was in bed. Woke up to answer my msg and then went back to bed. So here I am.
My 2nd day working at my preceptors. 2 of them actually. They were very gracious to pick me up from the hospital and send me back everyday. Am learning lots in the clinic. Tmrw I get to go to the OR. Haha. I'm so happy. Not that I'm a great surgeon or anything, but I feel so much more interested while I'm at the OR.
Okay. That is all boring. I want to desribe Moncton a little more, but I can't. Due to the limited travelling I've done in the past 3 days. It was walking about 500m of Mountain Road, travelling back and fourth from hospital to clinic, and travelling to Sobey's by bus to buy groceries. Fantastico. Hopefully, this Friday, since my preceptors are not around, I'll get to go to the mall. And watch X3. Yes. SUch is life. Someone, pls send me some entertainment.
Alright. So I DON'T KNOW french. I want to learn it, and master it, but that'll have to wait. Moncton. Beautiful place. Esp now, when summer's approaching. If the sun is up, it's really beautiful to walk around.
Right now, I'm leaving in this house, which has 7 rooms. But there's only me and this other resident around. He's a PGY1 in gen surg back in Dal. Phew. Luckily I'm not all by myself. Although, house to myself isn't too bad. There's cable. BAD. I've watched i think 4 hours in total in just 2 days. Today, I resolute not to watch anymore, but decided to come online instead to blog and chat with ppl online. Unfortunately, the 2 ppl that I was chatting with, one put up a DND sign and has prob gone to study, the other was in bed. Woke up to answer my msg and then went back to bed. So here I am.
My 2nd day working at my preceptors. 2 of them actually. They were very gracious to pick me up from the hospital and send me back everyday. Am learning lots in the clinic. Tmrw I get to go to the OR. Haha. I'm so happy. Not that I'm a great surgeon or anything, but I feel so much more interested while I'm at the OR.
Okay. That is all boring. I want to desribe Moncton a little more, but I can't. Due to the limited travelling I've done in the past 3 days. It was walking about 500m of Mountain Road, travelling back and fourth from hospital to clinic, and travelling to Sobey's by bus to buy groceries. Fantastico. Hopefully, this Friday, since my preceptors are not around, I'll get to go to the mall. And watch X3. Yes. SUch is life. Someone, pls send me some entertainment.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
what a beautiful day
Ah the bright sun. Shining strong and prevalent. It should be a great day should it not ? Topped off with supper with friends at the table. New recipes that succeed. A restful weekend.
Yet, I feel incomplete. Yet I feel empty. I feel like I have not achieved anything this week. Why does my mind work this way I don't know. Depression ? Perhaps, but my lost of interest is only in studies, and not in everything else. Perhaps it's the gloomy future I see ahead? The uncertainty and what not. Don't know when this is lifted.
Ahh... what a rollercoaster. The music I listen to reflects greatly of my mood. I'm listening to Seal right now. It's quite slow and depressing. I think I'm going to go listen to Matt Mays instead. Hopefully that'll boost me up a little. To work. No motivation at all. Somebody, burn me with a red hot poker pls. I need some prodding....
Yet, I feel incomplete. Yet I feel empty. I feel like I have not achieved anything this week. Why does my mind work this way I don't know. Depression ? Perhaps, but my lost of interest is only in studies, and not in everything else. Perhaps it's the gloomy future I see ahead? The uncertainty and what not. Don't know when this is lifted.
Ahh... what a rollercoaster. The music I listen to reflects greatly of my mood. I'm listening to Seal right now. It's quite slow and depressing. I think I'm going to go listen to Matt Mays instead. Hopefully that'll boost me up a little. To work. No motivation at all. Somebody, burn me with a red hot poker pls. I need some prodding....
Thursday, May 04, 2006
the emotion rollercoaster
Just two words will describe my title. Short stay unit. Okay. I lied. But I'm sure in me doing so, I have caused you, from being serene, happy and calm to cursing, angry, antsy and soon enough, you'll be vowing to write me a long letter about the perils of lying and that I should be telling the truth.
Well. Maybe not. I guess I'm just over exaggerating. Or am I? Haha.
After meeting with patiens that have traits from Cluster B Personality Disorder, my oh my... it was a rollercoaster in itself for me who was just listening and observing. I kid you not. Let me list them out for the benefit of those who don't know psychiatry or psychology.
borderline=the indecisive one.
"Should I go home? But what if I try to commit suicide again? Do you think it'll be safer if I stay here? I think I'll be safer. But then again, I want to go home. But i'm just so afraid I'll have this this thoughts and I'll harm myself. I think I should stay." The patient is on the border. Not knowing to which way. Good or bad? Cry or laugh. Indecisive esp when coming to dealing with crisis.
histrionic=the drama queen.centrefold... oops I mean centre of attention. ;)
"It was ALL her fault. I was innocent. I was so helpful, I trusted her and gave her everything. Now she hurt me and tore my heart apart. I'll never be whole again. NEVERRRRRRRR..... "
narcistic=the high and mighty. You are dirt and should be thankful that he/she is treading on you. Only once the best.
"Well, I was here to see Dr X. I only see the best. If I talked to you, it would be a waste of my time. I'm a busy man you know. Can't afford to waste this time like this. Time is money. But since you've asked so nicely, I shall indulge in your little questions. What DO they teach medical students this days... tsk tsk"
antisocial=basically the kid that was the rascal that never quite grew up. Laws and rules mean nothing to him.
"Well *@*&% you for holding me prisoner here. I don't care about your rules. I come and go as I see fit. Why did I break the chair? Because I didn't it. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. BUZZ OFF!"
Of course, just to CYA, this aren't real conversations from patients. This are made up in my attempt to describe the patients.
Honestly? By the end of the day, I feel so drained from having to deal with so many types of ppl. Interesting indeed. But drains me somehow. 1.5 weeks to end of psych. Hope I don't go cuckoo by then. Oops. Said the 'C' word. :p
Well. Maybe not. I guess I'm just over exaggerating. Or am I? Haha.
After meeting with patiens that have traits from Cluster B Personality Disorder, my oh my... it was a rollercoaster in itself for me who was just listening and observing. I kid you not. Let me list them out for the benefit of those who don't know psychiatry or psychology.
borderline=the indecisive one.
"Should I go home? But what if I try to commit suicide again? Do you think it'll be safer if I stay here? I think I'll be safer. But then again, I want to go home. But i'm just so afraid I'll have this this thoughts and I'll harm myself. I think I should stay." The patient is on the border. Not knowing to which way. Good or bad? Cry or laugh. Indecisive esp when coming to dealing with crisis.
histrionic=the drama queen.centrefold... oops I mean centre of attention. ;)
"It was ALL her fault. I was innocent. I was so helpful, I trusted her and gave her everything. Now she hurt me and tore my heart apart. I'll never be whole again. NEVERRRRRRRR..... "
narcistic=the high and mighty. You are dirt and should be thankful that he/she is treading on you. Only once the best.
"Well, I was here to see Dr X. I only see the best. If I talked to you, it would be a waste of my time. I'm a busy man you know. Can't afford to waste this time like this. Time is money. But since you've asked so nicely, I shall indulge in your little questions. What DO they teach medical students this days... tsk tsk"
antisocial=basically the kid that was the rascal that never quite grew up. Laws and rules mean nothing to him.
"Well *@*&% you for holding me prisoner here. I don't care about your rules. I come and go as I see fit. Why did I break the chair? Because I didn't it. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. BUZZ OFF!"
Of course, just to CYA, this aren't real conversations from patients. This are made up in my attempt to describe the patients.
Honestly? By the end of the day, I feel so drained from having to deal with so many types of ppl. Interesting indeed. But drains me somehow. 1.5 weeks to end of psych. Hope I don't go cuckoo by then. Oops. Said the 'C' word. :p
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
sick
I'm sick today. Caught off my roomie I think. She on the other hand must have caught it from the kids hospital. Darn patients! :) So there I was yesterday stuck doing call, while I wasn't feeling too hot, and I couldn't leave. What's worse was trying to go to bed, when my whole body felt funny, like discomfort, yet not really in pain. An ache I guess or in med terms, myalgia. I turned and tossed and tossed and turned. Woke up this morning with still more pains and aches. Thankfully the doc said, to go home and not to infect everyone else on the ward. Haha.
Well, my thoughts when I left the hospital (nearly skipping), I was thinking about the sick role. I was definately sick no doubt, but was I keying my sick role up so that everyone would take pity on me. Like "Poor you! You need rest, sleep and lots of water". Of course, my intentions were also to get home, and get rest, cause I felt that I couldn't carry on throughout the day in that condition. Leaky nose, achey muscles, and a slight cough. My question is, was I overplaying my sick role to get a chance to go home? When things like this happen, I feel extremely guilty for trying to 'skip' a days work.
Console me anyone ? :D
Well, my thoughts when I left the hospital (nearly skipping), I was thinking about the sick role. I was definately sick no doubt, but was I keying my sick role up so that everyone would take pity on me. Like "Poor you! You need rest, sleep and lots of water". Of course, my intentions were also to get home, and get rest, cause I felt that I couldn't carry on throughout the day in that condition. Leaky nose, achey muscles, and a slight cough. My question is, was I overplaying my sick role to get a chance to go home? When things like this happen, I feel extremely guilty for trying to 'skip' a days work.
Console me anyone ? :D
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