love is in the air

This time last year I wrote a post just because it was valentine's day. Nothing different this time around. Although, I'm much less for ideas, and some how, my English has deteriorated. Atrocious! I guess, after hanging out in a country that's so proud of their very own Manglish, one tends to follow after the trend?

Valentine's day. Love is in the air.

Actually not so much for me. It's been a pretty much normal day for me. I was surprised to not see many people walking hand in hand, or with a bouquet of flowers in hand. No love music in the air as I walked the shopping mall to get some items.

I have to say this (please don't kill me!), but I was even surprised that my sister wasn't out on a romantic dinner. (Here's me sore but trying to rationalize things) I guess when one's a little older, commercialized days like Valentine's Day don't faze us. (Yeah right!)

Honestly speaking though, all soreness aside, I don't see why there's any real reason to celebrate. And as Shawn Kong had written in his post, shouldn't love be celebrated on a daily basis?

Most probably, florists, candy and chocolate sellers or anything that comes along in the package of Valentine's day, just wanted to make a little more cash (probably Chinese, since most of them had to give away angpows and now had to make back some money), and hence, some how convinced/conned women in the world, that this day should be something special, and IF they meant anything at all to their significant other, they should get something or some celebration out of the ordinary.

I'm just kidding. Please don't sue me or leave nasty comments in my blog!

Anyhow, here's a picture to somewhat make whoopee of this special day. Happy Valentine's day! Especially to those who are sitting in front of your computers right now reading blogs instead of out on a hot date. ;)

new york new york

Yes. Blogging from New York. It's my last day here. Well, penultimate day, to be more exact. Instead of traveling an hour to downtown Manhattan, I'm at my friend's place. Resting.

Finally, being able to gather some thoughts, and relax for just a bit, I feel for the first time in 7 days, I'm actually adjusting to this place, and having some sort of affection for it.

Let me explain myself a little. When I left Malaysia for Halifax, as much as I knew I was leaving friends and family behind, it didn't sting that much. I was all excited, wide eyed to live abroad. Do different things, experience 4 seasons, see SNOW! And as much as I missed Malaysia initially, I didn't show it. What was worse I guess, was when I felt, it wasn't so much as to me leaving Malaysia, but it was more of Malaysia leaving me. Yeap. Weird as it is, it was somewhat true, as I saw the number of emails dwindling in my inbox.

This time around, as I left home for just even a brief moment, I missed it already. I'm unable to pinpoint, what exactly leaves me so longing for home.

Is it the people? Friends? Convenience and familiarity? Church? Leaders? Surroundings and temperature? Or have I finally grown to love HOME the way it is, because simply there's no place like home.
Truthfully, I do not know.

Sitting and waiting, and thinking, sometimes, is just not my best asset. As I sit to ponder whether I would have to go through it all over again, I am uncertain if I do want to, or am I secretly hoping that I do, as it means I am coming here?

Who knows?

Lots of searching to do.

blame

It's easier to blame than to be responsible. It's easier to create excuses than to own up. It's a piece of cake, to live in denial and not face facts or to accept things the way they are, and instead of improving or doing what's necessary to move on.

It's hard to look back and see how His mighty hand has moved, if we never accepted that there was something wrong to begin with, that needed intervention or a miracle. It's difficult to own up and say, it was out of the ordinary, because instead of hoping, deep down, that person stayed disappointed and in the end made logic of everything seen.

What's worse is, one who has never really given God the chance to come into their lives, and at the first sight of difficulty, first smell of trouble, they find fault in the one being they don't really believe in, or never bothered to get to know.

I choose to NOT to accuse. I choose to believe that He can do all things. All the more, I believe in Romans 8:28. I thank, not curse.

plank!!!

It's so easy to pick out other people's faults. I know that for certain, because I'm in the habit of doing that daily. I don't know whether I'm overly critical or just finding ways to shooting my mouth off.

This verse comes to mind each time, I judge others, or when other people make judgments of their own.

Matthew 7:3
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

Not the best picture that comes to mind, but I don't think I can sketch it better. So...


Yowzaass...

lest we forget

Luke 15
1Now the tax collectors and "sinners" were all gathering around to hear him. 2But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, "This man welcomes sinners and eats with them."

3Then Jesus told them this parable: 4"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' 7I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

I put this up after a conversation with a friend, and how this was part of this person's life at one point of time. I think we forget. We forget how important we are to Christ, to God, that despite all our shortcomings, He still wants us back. Beyond waiting, beyond hoping, He goes out in search. What moves me most, is that, when He finds us, He just doesn't hug us in joy, but He carries us home. If I may just highlight this part, "he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home".

This is the relationship that will not be severed by sin. Yet, sometimes we cheapen His work by saying we are not worthy (not out of praise, but really out of self condemnation). We dilute His grace, we put away His love as if it were nothing. Then, we find it hard to love others, because we feel ourselves do not have enough love. As IF His love wasn't enough.

He loves us. Very much. So much so, He'll run after you in tears, even as you turn your back on Him and run in further away from Him. Even if He had to carry that cross again, He probably would, just for us.

Lest we forget. Lest we forget.

encounter

When was the last time you met someone so influential over your life, you totally changed? Made anew, not just the skin, but all the organs inside. So new, that when you walk, it'd squeaked.

I'm not just talking about bad habits, I'm talking about HUGE character flaws.

From the bible, I've met someone who's changed, walked in a 180 degree direction from his original path. From being a skeptical, to a believer, from a prosecutor, to be the prosecuted, from a man of noble position, to a man put in jail multiple times.

Paul, was a Jew, who studied under Greek philosophy was also a Roman citizen. As Ravi Zacharias to appropriately summed it in one sentence: The Hebrews gave the world its moral categories; the Greeks its philosophical categories; and the Romans its legal categories - Paul (or previously known as Saul) had everything that one would need.

BUT... he didn't believe in Christ... initially. In fact, he persecuted all who believed in Him. Christ wasn't his Savior, wasn't his Lord. Not until he met Christ on the way to Damascus. Then, he changed. Not just out of fear, but I believe the encounter was so real, he couldn't turn away from it. He could no longer deny Christ. From that day on, he gave up everything that was his, and gave all to Christ.

Similarly, in this day and age, I've met so many people, who have come to know Christ, and have walked in a totally different direction in their lives soon after. Angry people becoming the most patient and calm, anxious people being able to achieve peace. True encounters with influential people, will definitely change the person. Can we then deny that Christ or God does not exist, even for those who've met Christ and truly changed?

purpose

This question is something that comes back over and over again.

Said in another way: Why am I here on earth?


Purpose driven life. Pastors preaching. Leaders sharing.

Self help books. Well known gurus. Subtle messages.

Have we truly found out why we are doing what we are doing? In fact, sometimes we think we know we are, but we are deceived and hence we can't live a fruitful life. Constantly keeping busy in battle with the situation/job/studies we are in.

I told this to my friend today, because I believe, like all else, this person needed to find the purpose God has set.

Another excerpt from The Face of Atheism by Ravi Zacharias:

The life of the Scotsman Eric Liddell, who was a devout Christian and a superb athlete, was featured in contradistinction to Harold Abrams in the film Chariots of Fire. Abrams, we recall, underscored his emptiness by finding even winning to be anticlimactic. Liddell's life, and his striving for excellence, was an expression of his love for God - everything mattered because his life was committed to Christ. The lines in the film that capture this best are uttered by Liddell to his sister: "Jenny, God has made me for a purpose - for China; but he has also made me fast, and when I run, I feel his pleasure."

Liddell won the 400 meters gold medal in the 1924 Olympics and later became a missionary to China, where he died. His enjoyment of God in every endeavor and service for Christ was a strong reminder that nothing for the Christian is essentially secular. It can only be secularized by leaving God out of it or by engaging in that from which God, by his nature, must be excluded.

A christian sees life in continuum. Not about yesterday, not just about today, nor does one gaze and hope only for the future.

The christian explains history through the eternal eyes of Christ. By contrast, the traditionalist lives for the past; the existentialist lives for the now; and the futurist or utopianist lives for the future.

It's true. A christian lives in a different mindset. Knowing what his purpose is, it's so much easier (although not easy) to handle ups and downs, or obstacles. A runner in the secular sense, would run to win the next gold medal, to qualify for the next big event, like the Olympics, but then when that runner reaches there, then what? What happens when the days are up, and the runner can no longer run as fast, or compete with the rest of the incoming young crowd?

But the christian runner, runs because he knows of his purpose. He knows that God gave him the body to run, that whenever he does it, he glorifies God, as God's beautiful creation. He runs not to win, but to please God. Simple, yet hard to grasp.

In this so called battle of living, we place ourselves in a dog eat dog world, and when all dogs are eaten, leaving one, then what? We work ourselves so hard, we do so much, but for what?
When we finally come to realization of what's Gods purpose is for us, we can do it with full passion. Just like the footballer who plays beautiful football because of passion, and not out of drive to win the match, we will soon find ourselves no longer in a battle to survive, but fully driven by God's beautiful purpose for us.

relationships

I'm sure that caught your eye.

In terms of relationships, no matter what we say, we crave it. Friendships, parent-child relationships, boy-girl relationships. It's real. We can't deny it. Without it, we are truly lonely.
And we all know, no man is an island. It is true. Even the madman would try to have a relationship with someone, and hence talks to himself for company.

The whole big problem about relationships, is that somehow sooner or later, they can be severed. People get disappointed, hearts get broken, expectations not met. Others, are broken from death, death from illness, death from murder, death from suicide. Death from sin.

Relationships severed by sin.

By a drunken driver who hit a pedestrian. By the robber, who only wanted more money the easy way, kills someone by accident in the heat of the moment. The father who commits suicide because someone had cheated all his cash. A lover jilted, due to selfish reasons. Lung cancer of inhaling second hand smoke. Unable to reconnect due to unforgiveness. Bitterness. Hate. Jealousy. Rage. Malice.

Bringing his point to an end, Ravi Zacharias quickly summarized all he has said earlier, in his book The Face of Atheism:

If relationships bring meaning to life, then the ultimate mockery of life is the reality that all relationships are either ruptured by sin or severed by death. Each of us longs for a relationship that cannot be victimized by sin or destroyed by death. That relationship can only be found with God. Once that relationship is established, it serves as a blueprint for all other relationships, bringing the strength of genuine love and shunning the cancer of selfishness.

I thought it was very well written. Like the child who is seeing his/her father for the first time after some time of separation, that child would want to run towards a relationship, in which the child know he/she will be accepted with open arms. God will accept all of us that way. As long as we meet Him halfway.

refreshed

After the weeks of being drained, I think I'm ready again to take on some challenges. Get some work done. Sleep less. Don't know why.

The Lord is my banner.

He really is.

When Moses built that altar for God, I imagined myself walking a march, holding a banner that was really the Lord.

It all comes back to Phil 4:13.

Time to be like Moses, or like Elijah. Whomever who had more faith :)

God is good! :)

Was told to put this up, and finally have decided to:

Matthew 6:33 says But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.

This is a verse long familiar to me, but not something i practiced.
The excuse was always the same: my studies were tough, it was not easy
to pass, and I had a lot of ground to cover. In short, I had a hundred
and one excuses, and never wanted to spend more than the allocated
time I had put aside for God's work.

This season, as I prepared for USMLE, an entrance exam to apply to the
United States, I was really convicted to do more for God's kingdom
first before anything else. I had about 2 months to prepare for my
Step 2 exam (part of the USMLE) and about another 1.5 months after
that to prepare for my Step 1 exam. It was very easy for me to delay
serving in campus ministry as 3.5 months wasn't a long way off right?
However, I was really convicted to be faithful even while I was busy
because, I knew that a lot of times procrastination would only kill
off a desire,

After my 2 month preparation and my gruelling 8 hour ++ exam, I was
finally done. I couldn't tell if I did okay or not, but I committed it
to God. A few weeks later, my results was in my inbox.

I passed! With a 90th percentile. It was a big deal for me, because I
was never an 'A' student, so to both pass and score sufficiently well,
I knew it could only come from God!

The one thing I really learned from this whole ordeal was that if I
honor God, He will honor me too! When I chose to spend time doing His
work, instead of saying "I need to study", He blessed me tremendously.
It was not an easy ordeal to cram almost 5 years of knowledge into 2
months of studying, and at the same time do His work. I truly believe
that if we give God our time and our efforts, and trust in Him, He
will never let us down, as all things are indeed possible with God!
When we seek His kingdom first and His righteousness, many things WILL
be added onto us.

choice

The greatest gift to mankind is choice, because without the power to choose, we are merely like robots or computers, only processing information, but never coming to a conclusion of what to do, only suggesting what may be done.

The whole conversation on choice, has brought me to think of certain examples of people I know. There are the ones who don't like to make any choices, or rather choose to not make any further choices, and then there are those, who choose to do everything and in their progress make it very obvious to be seen and known (the ones I'd like to call the extremist, whether be it the terrorist or the authoritarian).

It irks me that sometimes there we don't practice things like the black and white it can be, but to think about it, we can't, because we are humans, and for the same reason, we are given choice, we are made to be so unpredictable to each other. Everything else however should be somewhat made clear cut. The law, between good and bad, light and darkness, tasty and horrible.

Can we draw that same line for ourselves? Or we'd rather see a blur of a line so that we can jump over blameless, merely as the 'line was not to be seen'?

I am what I choose to be, and it's the same for everyone else. Not one person can say they were forced to out of a situation, because at the end of the day, to be honest, we all have to account for our own actions. We have freedom of choice, but let us truly understand the extent of our choice(s).

i'm back

Hiatus for a while...

now I'm back.

No. Not with a vengeance.
Truly it has been refreshing, to just take time off to gather thoughts and what not. As I continue to observe many things, I have learned lots. Indeed, it pays sometimes to just keep quiet and slip to the back, and watch what's really going on.

No, it's not an emo post.

After leaders retreat, I've gained even more insight on things.

I'd like to end this brief post with just one question:

What makes us who we are?

are you who you say you are?

A very wordy, repetitive title, but decided to blog quickly about this before I go to bed, just as I was reading something that caught my eye, and it stimulated the brain juices a little.

In the past decade, there have been quite a few people who have been placed in the role of a leader, and one thing often done is, them quoting that God is their running mate (quote from Micheal Kinsley's article in Time).

Micheal Kinsley in his article was basically saying, that these days, it's important for presidential candidates to wear their religion on their sleeve. What he said about, how a government is run, and how one's belief system cannot be separated, is very true. He used the example of Mormonism list of no-nos, which include no alcohol, tea, coffee and such forms of sexual behavior as "passionate kissing" outside wedlock, and how if a candidate has to both hold on to his beliefs and at the same time impose these laws, it would be an issue. It would really be difficult for him to be a good President and a good Mormon.

It is true. We don't have to go as far as being a presidential candidate to have to ask this question. Simply because, the day we start saying we are Christian, we have to act like one. We have to act like followers of Christ, not just people who are following behind, but people imitating Him.

It's bad enough that people think, the bible is just another book on the shelf of a bookstore, it's worse that we don't follow it enough convincingly, and do what we are supposed to do. It makes the case much worse, because not only are people not convinced that the bible is not the word from God, but the book that we are supposed to follow its commands, we don't treasure well enough, and cannot make it a strong enough case for people to see it is truly FROM God.

Are you who you say you are?

where are we headed?

It's rather disturbing, to say the least, that the moral values in this country has really reached the point of being so low, that it's almost to scary to think that one can go out safely. The streets are no longer what it used to be.

What am I talking about? All Malaysians would have heard of the latest shocking news, of a 8 year old girl, kidnapped, sexually abused before murdered, to be left in a gym bag in front of someone's shop lot.

Where has this country been heading all this while? Is this the price of development, that we let loose of our moral values? Do we no longer know God or fear the repercussions of our own doing? So bad has this country plunged in its outlook towards certain things, that some other issues are not deemed to be as 'bad' or as 'evil', just because something else like this pops up. Everything is becoming relative, as people's believes are shifted with the times, with nothing to anchor them as such, to tell them what's right and what's wrong.

All you Malaysians who are not currently at home, please, please be the one to stand in the gap, and pray for this nation. This country, our home, needs help.

merdeka

Merdeka!

Merdeka!

Merdeka!

The famous shout repeated 7 times on 31st Aug 1957, when independence was first declared. Any true Malaysian would be able to identify with this phrase. A phrase sometimes to casually said, but not thought thoroughly what it means to be throughly INDEPENDENT.

We as citizens of this country, did not have to endure the many promises of a foreign government to develop this land, nor did we have to fight any battles to defend the place we call home. We did not have to live on potatoes or yam hidden in loose floorboards of the home, or under burnt soil, live in fear day to day, worried that soldiers may return at any point of time to ravage the village we live in. We did not have to negotiate for freedom, we did not have to fight for it, and yet today, we live fully in it.

Do we truly know what freedom or independence is? Or is it just patriotic songs, the Jalur Gemilang flag, lots of fireworks the night prior, or even the parade on independence day itself?

Happy 50th Independence Day, Malaysia!

Even if we groan and moan about many things sometimes, I believe we are still proud to be Malaysians!

disappointment

Yes.

Disappointment. Don't worry, it's not so much of a rant than it is a way of both expressing myself and at the same time, evaluating things.

Sometimes, things just don't work the way we want them too, we get disappointed, and if it's long enough we get jaded. So, is disappointment a good thing or a bad thing? It really can deter some people from doing the right thing. I guess I'm learning even more, that things truly can't go the way we want it to MORE frequently than I think it would.

So am I disappointed? Yes. I am. Am I discouraged? In more than one way, yes.

However, just remember what pastor had to say yesterday about being an overcomer, I'll have to just overcome it. After all, good comes to all who love Him and does His work right?

Time to get back onto the saddle, and start moving forward. No pity party here. Slight frustration, but it does not equate nor justify my avoiding the fact of things and pushing forward.

All I can say is, I fully put my trust in the One that gave me purpose and life.

we are family

No, contrary to what you are thinking, I'm not singing the song.

This week, after lots of thinking, the one thing I've come to realize, with being a christian, is that, I'm really part of a bigger family. Sometimes, it's hard to see that. Sometimes, we treat each other just as friends, or just another person on the street.

Truth be told, is that, it isn't really true.

I believe, a christian can be so unlikeable to the point of risking strangulation, but still when in need, will be helped by fellow brothers or sisters (of course, they have to know that this person is in trouble). Why? Some might say, it's because they are all christians and they should do good, or purely because of namesake that they ARE christians. I used to want to believe that there is a greater bond than that. Now, I know for sure, it is purely for the reason that, we are of the same family, the same Father.

How DID I come to this conclusion?

When I was younger, more stubborn, more irritating, a rebel, I remember of people who stood by me and guided me, even when I refused guidance. Really. I was quite the stubborn donkey.
Now, it's my turn to lead and chance getting kicked by the donkey.

Are we sometimes to proud to be in a family who will help and guide us along the way? For a lot of us, rather be in our own circle, and remain in that private circle.

i hate....

I hate people who don't think, but just shoot their mouth. I hate how people try to take advantage of me when I'm nice. I hate how nasty people can be when I'm being polite. I hate smart comments for the sake of it, or for the sake of argument, just to show who's on top and who's boss. I hate people who don't get their facts right and assume.

I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate...
I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate...
I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate...
I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate...
I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate... I hate...I hate... I hate... I hate...

It's so easy to hate or dislike somethings. Just as I was unwinding after a long day (although not the end), God spoke to me very clearly. It was a reminder.

John 21:15-17
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said," you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
The third time he said to him, " Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep...

Do I really love His sheep? Am I doing what He would do? I'm trying my level best. It's really easy not to love people especially, when they bug you about things and you have a million other things to do. Or if something else takes priorities, ie: books. It's convenient to love someone when they are in fact, loveable, and when they don't disobey you.

How can I best paint this picture?

Do I say I love Jesus?

Then, am I feeding His sheep?

tired, but fulfilled

I must say. It has been a long 2-3 weeks. So many things that happen, but I must say, God's words has never rung so loud and so clear.

It has been tough. Tough to humble myself, swallow my own pride, to allow God to do the things He does. No more complaining out loud, no more whining to people how certain people react and how I don't like it.

Why?

Simply because I'm learning to edify people.

I knew it was never simple to raise, rally or reach people, but today, I realized it was more difficult than I thought. I am learning to appreciate my leaders on a higher level now.

Today, as I sang in worship to God, the song Here I Am (by 1 A.M.), I really surrendered all. I felt I managed to come to a place, where I was truly at peace in God's presence.

This bit especially:

You said in Your word, oh God
You have many plans for me
Plans of hope, plans of peace
I will soar above each and every storm
and live the dreams You have for me
I lay my life for You, I set my faith in You

So, I did. Whichever that I have not surrendered, I did. If I had not obeyed, I will.

I hold to this verse true: John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Time to claim the fullness that God has offered.

the countdown

Tick tock tick tock. The days quickly slip away from my grip, as I try to prepare myself for the upcoming USMLE step 2. The harder I hold on to my day, the faster it escapes through my fingers. I can see why they call it the sands of time. Each day, I have to come to endure and face the fact that my exam is just around the corner, and I'm nowhere near to being prepared.

Panic ensues, as if the sky were soon to fall on my head, as I feel like running helter skelter as the rabbit who thought the world was coming to an end.

5 more days 5 more days! Most people would be glad that their exams would soon be over, but I really wish for more days. More time to read and be totally confident before going in.

It's in times like this I cry out the Lord and ask, "Are you SERIOUS about wanting me to do this?"

Joshua 1: 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

My trust will be in God, who knows what He is doing. As opposed to me.