All this while, I thought that, this feeling of missing something could be filled with a relationship, a new gadget, friends, new clothes, perhaps a new CD. I never knew where to look, and after every relationship, every new thing that I could get my hands on. I never really quenched the thirst. Never really was satisfied with things. It was always something else that I needed, something new that I did not have.
A few posts ago I wrote about the water of eternal life. As I think about it again, I really come to realise that truely, there is nothing else that can quench that thirst like Jesus does. The feeling of lacking, of being empty, of wanting more, can only be satisfied by Jesus. God and only GOD ALONE can make me whole.
The funny thing is, I felt that God really spoke to me after I started having this infatuation over a Korean actress. (Bah humbug, koren show has got me falling in love with korean girls!)
I don't know if it was the actress herself (beauty) or the character in the show that made me fall so hard, but I sure was in some sort of dreamy state for a while. I then realized, that I can covert, and hope that I get into some sort of relationship with a girl like that, but then I realized, what happens after I get into a relationship like that? It's like trying to get into a relationship without my lower limbs and hoping that my partner will be my limbs, (Does that make sense at all?) and after a while, discover that the limbs are not mine, and I am still incomplete, that I need something else.
Although I'm still in want, I making it a point that each time I feel that way, I ask God for help.
I truly know now, that nothing can complete me but God. (It's like Jerry Maguire telling God, YOU complete me).
Ah.
God, I need You today, tmrw and forever. Please give me the strength, grace and help me love others like You love me.
Lord, I am desperate for You.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
#$*%*&%#&%... who tagged me? :p
6 weird things about me, then tag 6 other people to do the same.
6 weird things about me? Boy, is that going to be hard. I'm as normal as can be. Haha.
Hmm.....
1. I'm an old soul.
I sometimes think that as a 23 (soon to be 24) year old, I think too much. Sometimes, I dislike hanging with people too young, who I sometimes feel, lack substance. I know. This statement comes across to be a bit snobbish. Honestly though, I have this tendency to hang out with an older crowd (no pun intended). I enjoy talking to people who have formed opinions and are able to hold conversations and discuss a topic well. I get quite irked by people (although I must give them the credit for trying), who either don't have very much to talk about, or answer with one worded answers.
Perhaps this isn't that odd. (I really am quite normal).
2. I am shy.
Yes people. It's true. I am shy. People don't believe this, but it is TRUE. Of course it takes less courage to be gathered before I go talk to someone than when compared to my younger self. However, I find much difficulty still in meeting new people. And all this time, people thought I was being snobbish for acting so cool. Truthfully, I am mostly just too afrad to approach anyone I do not know. Thankfully that's changed. What's worse for me is if I see some girl who's got some special look that REALLY catches my eyes. Boy oh boy. I bet I actually turn red, and to initiate any conversation with the girl, would first involve removing all the stones in my mouth. I'd probably also freeze and will be unable to say anything intelligent. People really DO think I'm being very 'cool' about things. If one were to take my vitals, heart rate would be about 120, and my blood pressure would shoot up to about 180/100. Or at least I think it would.
3. I wonder what it would be like if...
I was more artsy. I always thought how nice it would be if I could draw or paint well. If I could write good poetry. If I had great writing skills and could fascinate people with my blog or with illustrious stories. Perhaps, the ability to take beautiful and expressive photos. At least, if all above are not achieved, I wished I could sing or play instruments really well. I never really had the chance to express this side of me, not because I did not have the time, but I merely never gave this side a chance to develop. I can write, only as good as this blog gets, or perhaps a formal letter if needed (probably not good enough to get me a job even), take pics like any other amatuer in this field, poems that are not even worthy of kindergartens because there can't beat the classic nursery rhymes. If stick men were great drawings, I would have to say, I am the best artist there is. :p AND for CRYING OUT LOUD, I croak instead of singing. I do ever wonder, how some of you people do not burst out laughing when I sing on sundays. Tee hee hee.
4. I'm short
I know. I'm not that short. I sound like some spoilt brat who can't get what he wants, but seriously, I'm only 5' 10". I wish I was 6 feet tall. It's something I always hoped I'd be. Now I'll never be able to date supermodels. Most of them are at least 5' 10". There goes my dream of having a supermodel as a girlfriend. Haha.
5. I have a list of nicknames
From the days of ICQ, IRC and now MSN, I have used multiple names. Neurotic, burnout, -, mentalcase, jackoverthehill, thegingerbreadman.
It's only as not too too recently, that I've used my own name on MSN. I guess I'm all grown up?
6. I have a twin sister
I leave for you to judge. A lot of people said if I were to grow long hair, I would be indistinguishable from my sister. I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. Perhaps, that is why I try so very hard to keep facial hair. The more the better. Haha.
This post was previously longer, but since it got erased, I'm just too lazy to rewrite everything.
That is all that I havea to write. It was tough. I am a very normal person actually.
I tag Esther, Heng Jeng, Aiky(if u still blog), Mandy, Sin Ling and Mona.
Phew.
6 weird things about me? Boy, is that going to be hard. I'm as normal as can be. Haha.
Hmm.....
1. I'm an old soul.
I sometimes think that as a 23 (soon to be 24) year old, I think too much. Sometimes, I dislike hanging with people too young, who I sometimes feel, lack substance. I know. This statement comes across to be a bit snobbish. Honestly though, I have this tendency to hang out with an older crowd (no pun intended). I enjoy talking to people who have formed opinions and are able to hold conversations and discuss a topic well. I get quite irked by people (although I must give them the credit for trying), who either don't have very much to talk about, or answer with one worded answers.
Perhaps this isn't that odd. (I really am quite normal).
2. I am shy.
Yes people. It's true. I am shy. People don't believe this, but it is TRUE. Of course it takes less courage to be gathered before I go talk to someone than when compared to my younger self. However, I find much difficulty still in meeting new people. And all this time, people thought I was being snobbish for acting so cool. Truthfully, I am mostly just too afrad to approach anyone I do not know. Thankfully that's changed. What's worse for me is if I see some girl who's got some special look that REALLY catches my eyes. Boy oh boy. I bet I actually turn red, and to initiate any conversation with the girl, would first involve removing all the stones in my mouth. I'd probably also freeze and will be unable to say anything intelligent. People really DO think I'm being very 'cool' about things. If one were to take my vitals, heart rate would be about 120, and my blood pressure would shoot up to about 180/100. Or at least I think it would.
3. I wonder what it would be like if...
I was more artsy. I always thought how nice it would be if I could draw or paint well. If I could write good poetry. If I had great writing skills and could fascinate people with my blog or with illustrious stories. Perhaps, the ability to take beautiful and expressive photos. At least, if all above are not achieved, I wished I could sing or play instruments really well. I never really had the chance to express this side of me, not because I did not have the time, but I merely never gave this side a chance to develop. I can write, only as good as this blog gets, or perhaps a formal letter if needed (probably not good enough to get me a job even), take pics like any other amatuer in this field, poems that are not even worthy of kindergartens because there can't beat the classic nursery rhymes. If stick men were great drawings, I would have to say, I am the best artist there is. :p AND for CRYING OUT LOUD, I croak instead of singing. I do ever wonder, how some of you people do not burst out laughing when I sing on sundays. Tee hee hee.
4. I'm short
I know. I'm not that short. I sound like some spoilt brat who can't get what he wants, but seriously, I'm only 5' 10". I wish I was 6 feet tall. It's something I always hoped I'd be. Now I'll never be able to date supermodels. Most of them are at least 5' 10". There goes my dream of having a supermodel as a girlfriend. Haha.
5. I have a list of nicknames
From the days of ICQ, IRC and now MSN, I have used multiple names. Neurotic, burnout, -, mentalcase, jackoverthehill, thegingerbreadman.
It's only as not too too recently, that I've used my own name on MSN. I guess I'm all grown up?
6. I have a twin sisterI leave for you to judge. A lot of people said if I were to grow long hair, I would be indistinguishable from my sister. I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. Perhaps, that is why I try so very hard to keep facial hair. The more the better. Haha.
This post was previously longer, but since it got erased, I'm just too lazy to rewrite everything.
That is all that I havea to write. It was tough. I am a very normal person actually.
I tag Esther, Heng Jeng, Aiky(if u still blog), Mandy, Sin Ling and Mona.
Phew.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
expensive taste
The D810(top) C800(bottom)
Lately, I find myself, unable to control desires in wanting certain items. The latest craze being: DOPOD phones. Argh.
Why oh why are these phones created when I can't afford it? To make me salivate and thirst for something I cannot quite get? It's always the case. I find that more and more I am unable to quench this desire, this thirst that seems to.. to be everlasting.
I am however reminded of the passage in the bible. (How rare is that these days!)
John 4:
7When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)
9The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.[a])
10Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."
11"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"
13Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
15The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."
16He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."
17"I have no husband," she replied.
Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."
19"Sir," the woman said, "I can see that you are a prophet. 20Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem."
21Jesus declared, "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
25The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."
26Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he."
I HONESTLY need to quench my thirst. The right way.Tuesday, February 20, 2007
keeping one’s word
Sometimes, it’s really hard to swallow your pride and admit defeat. Especially in a heated argument, no one wants to back down, to be seen as the weaker side. So insults are hurled, and nasty words are exchanged for another unproductive, heated discussion.
What I really dislike, even in myself is, the way sometimes we all portray our know-it-all, but when it comes to our own, we cannot hold on to our ‘supposedly’ principles. We get so irritated with peoples attitudes and characters, sometimes we forget to look in the mirror. Who keeps us in check? If we shut our ears to what the world has to say, and we remove all looking glasses in our home, how, oh how are we to see what we’ve become?
Ah. The irritation from an unsettled dispute is like the multiple mosquito bites on the body. Each scratch only providing temporary relief, after a while, it gets worse, and no peace is found from constant scratching, but perhaps the skin gets so thin, it bleeds. The lose lose situation.
What I really dislike, even in myself is, the way sometimes we all portray our know-it-all, but when it comes to our own, we cannot hold on to our ‘supposedly’ principles. We get so irritated with peoples attitudes and characters, sometimes we forget to look in the mirror. Who keeps us in check? If we shut our ears to what the world has to say, and we remove all looking glasses in our home, how, oh how are we to see what we’ve become?
Ah. The irritation from an unsettled dispute is like the multiple mosquito bites on the body. Each scratch only providing temporary relief, after a while, it gets worse, and no peace is found from constant scratching, but perhaps the skin gets so thin, it bleeds. The lose lose situation.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
boredom provoked thoughts
Sitting in my parents room (because that's where the internet is). Thinking of what to write. Stacey Kent crooning in the background while I type away.
Just 2 weeks here in Malaysia, and I already want to leave. I cannot help buy find fault in every thing I see. Sad this is, because it really seems like I'm an ungrateful citizen of a country that has provided a place for me to stay and grow up. It nearly sounds as if I'm a greedy person, and will always look some where else because the grass REALLY does seem greener on the other side.
Anyhow, I have been given a great opportunity to meet up with old acquintances, good friends and ex classmates. Times have truly changed, and relationships have truly been altered. Honestly, it's hard not to expect a good friend to sway away after my absence of 1.5 years, but one would expect the friend to hold on to a certain amount of friendship. Humph. I guess this is partially why I'm not so excited at all when I knew I was coming back. In my know-it-all, belief of being clairvoyant, I forsaw that it would be really akward meeting with people who after a while didn't really bother keeping in touch. Ah. It truly has become so.
Everyone busy with their own lives, only with enough time to meet up and talk superficially. Nothing too deep because there's not much in common anymore.
The pieces of jigsaw puzzle may fit together, but when held up, it will break, and the completeness is there no more. Only family that is important and the ones that can really be counted on. Even then sometimes, arguements get the better of us. Sigh. Doom gloom.
Happy chinese new year guys/gals. Hope it's a good one for everyone else.
Just 2 weeks here in Malaysia, and I already want to leave. I cannot help buy find fault in every thing I see. Sad this is, because it really seems like I'm an ungrateful citizen of a country that has provided a place for me to stay and grow up. It nearly sounds as if I'm a greedy person, and will always look some where else because the grass REALLY does seem greener on the other side.
Anyhow, I have been given a great opportunity to meet up with old acquintances, good friends and ex classmates. Times have truly changed, and relationships have truly been altered. Honestly, it's hard not to expect a good friend to sway away after my absence of 1.5 years, but one would expect the friend to hold on to a certain amount of friendship. Humph. I guess this is partially why I'm not so excited at all when I knew I was coming back. In my know-it-all, belief of being clairvoyant, I forsaw that it would be really akward meeting with people who after a while didn't really bother keeping in touch. Ah. It truly has become so.
Everyone busy with their own lives, only with enough time to meet up and talk superficially. Nothing too deep because there's not much in common anymore.
The pieces of jigsaw puzzle may fit together, but when held up, it will break, and the completeness is there no more. Only family that is important and the ones that can really be counted on. Even then sometimes, arguements get the better of us. Sigh. Doom gloom.
Happy chinese new year guys/gals. Hope it's a good one for everyone else.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
women in my life
The many women in my life. I think they greatly colored my life. Of course everything enriches a life, but I think, these women gave me lots to ponder and grow up with.
This girl, now a lady, was the first girl I had set eyes on was a happy go lucky girl. She was sweet but she had the attitude of being happy (although a lot of times not content). It was good because it was simple. I learnt from this, that sometimes it's good to be a little easy going.
The next girl, was a girl not of many words. This experience wasn't the best. Knowing her was good, but seeing how easily she was influenced by her friends and ppl around her, it was not.
I learnt that in many things I should make my own decisions.
Then came this other girl. Hmm. Where do I begin? The romance that was not a romance. It was a weird relationship. I never knew someone who wanted to be with you but not want to be seen with you. So dates alone were never possible. It was always a group outing.
From this, I learnt never to go out with a needy girl and to cave in to a girl too much.
Came along a very special girl. She was smart and she was adorable. My parents loved her lots even. This girl, I had thought that it was for real, and it was going to be really serious. I really broke her heart when I decided to end it. I know. I was a real asshole then. I made lots of justifications for the breakup. I know my dad wasn't particularly happy. Here, I learnt that I was really really REALLY selfish.
A short one liner for the girl I had a short fling over Christmas one year. She taught me how to have fun and to relax a little.
Next two ladies, were very key in my life. If anyone person I've met at all, she is the most patient person I've ever met. Whether it was with me or it was other ppl, she was extremely patient. Extremely kind. Always putting other before herself. Selfless. She definitely loved God more than I did.
The other girl, was the girl I would call as the checklist girl. She was (yes, was) perfect in every sense, BUT she had a temper.
There was of course also the woman in my life, who despite her frustrations with me (not to mention that she had taken out some on me sometimes), she did all she could in my best interest. She pushed me a step further when I did not want to. For this I am extremely grateful.
Who can forget the one who taught me to stand up for myself and my rights. She taught me to appreciate the finer things in life and to judge things more thoroughly.
Well, for those of you who didn't already know, it is valentine's day today. Hence the 'SAPPY' post. What will I be without memories to think, learn and suffer from? Haha.
Happy valentine's day peeps!
This girl, now a lady, was the first girl I had set eyes on was a happy go lucky girl. She was sweet but she had the attitude of being happy (although a lot of times not content). It was good because it was simple. I learnt from this, that sometimes it's good to be a little easy going.
The next girl, was a girl not of many words. This experience wasn't the best. Knowing her was good, but seeing how easily she was influenced by her friends and ppl around her, it was not.
I learnt that in many things I should make my own decisions.
Then came this other girl. Hmm. Where do I begin? The romance that was not a romance. It was a weird relationship. I never knew someone who wanted to be with you but not want to be seen with you. So dates alone were never possible. It was always a group outing.
From this, I learnt never to go out with a needy girl and to cave in to a girl too much.
Came along a very special girl. She was smart and she was adorable. My parents loved her lots even. This girl, I had thought that it was for real, and it was going to be really serious. I really broke her heart when I decided to end it. I know. I was a real asshole then. I made lots of justifications for the breakup. I know my dad wasn't particularly happy. Here, I learnt that I was really really REALLY selfish.
A short one liner for the girl I had a short fling over Christmas one year. She taught me how to have fun and to relax a little.
Next two ladies, were very key in my life. If anyone person I've met at all, she is the most patient person I've ever met. Whether it was with me or it was other ppl, she was extremely patient. Extremely kind. Always putting other before herself. Selfless. She definitely loved God more than I did.
The other girl, was the girl I would call as the checklist girl. She was (yes, was) perfect in every sense, BUT she had a temper.
There was of course also the woman in my life, who despite her frustrations with me (not to mention that she had taken out some on me sometimes), she did all she could in my best interest. She pushed me a step further when I did not want to. For this I am extremely grateful.
Who can forget the one who taught me to stand up for myself and my rights. She taught me to appreciate the finer things in life and to judge things more thoroughly.
Well, for those of you who didn't already know, it is valentine's day today. Hence the 'SAPPY' post. What will I be without memories to think, learn and suffer from? Haha.
Happy valentine's day peeps!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
older
2007. Much has changed over the years. I had travelled to Seremban yesterday to meet some ex classmates and also celebrate a friend's birthday.
The first comment that I got in as I stepped into my friend's place was, " Eh, you haven't changed one bit. You've not grown fatter, and you still look young."
....... Had no idea how I was supposed to reply to that statement. A thank you perhaps? I was uncertain.
So, I just smiled, and casually replied, "Everyone looks the same also." Except for one or two ppl who seem to have lost weight under sheer pressure of clinical school in Malaysia. Yikes. I think they are more stressed out than I was in third year.
Anyhow, that wasn't the point of my blog. The point is, is that with age, everyone changes. Just not on the outside. Comes to show how much the saying "Don't judge a book by its cover" is true.
My character, my values, my belief system has totally changed in the past 1.5 years. Of course, a short 5 minute conversation, or a night's dinner is not going to reveal that to anyone. I realized that, I'm more and more cynical, and some times, more bitter with conditions. I still do complain, but I find myself to have tendencies to remember things that don't need remembering. I also find that a lot of my values, are based on my own experience, and what I want to do in the future. It has changed a lot from what is used to be. Hmm...
It's funny also to see how everyone's priority has changed. Since most of them are going to start working in about 6months (or thereabouts), quite a few start thinking about the future. Of course, the inevitable talk about who's with who comes about (I'm partly to blame for bringing it up), and, since we are all going to be working as docs, the next step is, what do we want to specialize in. Medical students are so predictable. :p
Ah. So weird is this journey of life and getting older.
The first comment that I got in as I stepped into my friend's place was, " Eh, you haven't changed one bit. You've not grown fatter, and you still look young."
....... Had no idea how I was supposed to reply to that statement. A thank you perhaps? I was uncertain.
So, I just smiled, and casually replied, "Everyone looks the same also." Except for one or two ppl who seem to have lost weight under sheer pressure of clinical school in Malaysia. Yikes. I think they are more stressed out than I was in third year.
Anyhow, that wasn't the point of my blog. The point is, is that with age, everyone changes. Just not on the outside. Comes to show how much the saying "Don't judge a book by its cover" is true.
My character, my values, my belief system has totally changed in the past 1.5 years. Of course, a short 5 minute conversation, or a night's dinner is not going to reveal that to anyone. I realized that, I'm more and more cynical, and some times, more bitter with conditions. I still do complain, but I find myself to have tendencies to remember things that don't need remembering. I also find that a lot of my values, are based on my own experience, and what I want to do in the future. It has changed a lot from what is used to be. Hmm...
It's funny also to see how everyone's priority has changed. Since most of them are going to start working in about 6months (or thereabouts), quite a few start thinking about the future. Of course, the inevitable talk about who's with who comes about (I'm partly to blame for bringing it up), and, since we are all going to be working as docs, the next step is, what do we want to specialize in. Medical students are so predictable. :p
Ah. So weird is this journey of life and getting older.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
home is where the heart is
I've been home for almost a week now. Man. Things are so different around here. They say home is where the heart is. Why then is it that I miss North America?
Anyhow, it is great to be home. Great to meet up with old friends. However, everything's changed. People have changed. Some are married. Some are still single but their outlook on life have changed. Some are happier with things, some more carefree, some just as ignorant as ever.
More buildings in KL though. More condos, more apartment buildlings, more congested roads.
I hate to say this, but I miss the slower life in Halifax. (Boy, I'm getting old and sentimental)
The bad part about coming home? I lost my wallet. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I lost my wallet. Gone are my ID cards from both Malaysia and Canada, my driving license, my credit cards, my ATM card, my MSI card (which I forgot to report). I'm not going to go into details. Let's just say, I was careless, and there were people here that took to opportunity to earn CAN 200.
I thought I was broke before, but now I'm even more broke (broker some might say. hahahaha).
Darn. Instant noodles and bread for the rest of my days here. Kidding.
The other thing I miss is not having to feel so STICKY and to have such difficulty breathing in the humidity. I guess I'll get used to it, but for now? I'll just whine.
Hope everyone else is doing well. Will see you peeps in March.
Anyhow, it is great to be home. Great to meet up with old friends. However, everything's changed. People have changed. Some are married. Some are still single but their outlook on life have changed. Some are happier with things, some more carefree, some just as ignorant as ever.
More buildings in KL though. More condos, more apartment buildlings, more congested roads.
I hate to say this, but I miss the slower life in Halifax. (Boy, I'm getting old and sentimental)
The bad part about coming home? I lost my wallet. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I lost my wallet. Gone are my ID cards from both Malaysia and Canada, my driving license, my credit cards, my ATM card, my MSI card (which I forgot to report). I'm not going to go into details. Let's just say, I was careless, and there were people here that took to opportunity to earn CAN 200.
I thought I was broke before, but now I'm even more broke (broker some might say. hahahaha).
Darn. Instant noodles and bread for the rest of my days here. Kidding.
The other thing I miss is not having to feel so STICKY and to have such difficulty breathing in the humidity. I guess I'll get used to it, but for now? I'll just whine.
Hope everyone else is doing well. Will see you peeps in March.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
neutral
He was stuck in that position. Again. Uncertain if the next step would make him look like he was with one party or the other. He had to be neutral. After all, there can be any absolute truth in either party. Everything was and IS relative, but after a while, it was so hard to keep track of his neutrality.
No, I cannot say yes, because it would lean towards their party, but at the same time, a 'no' would be more in line with the other party, he thought out as he was walking towards his car.
Confused.
Were everything he had done, just simply an excuse to avoid making real decisions? All the theory about relative truth, and all the talk about we are no where near the real truth. Had he being lying to himself? After all, if that's what he really believed in, the things he practice in his office as a doctor, were merely trials of attaining real truth.
The floodgate of thoughts can no longer hold the rushing torrent of questions. It started to feel like his life was a waste. How could he have held on so long to principles that were so against living? Were humans really there to search eternally for truth? Or was he merely too arrogant to accept his true purpose on earth? Did he feel all this while that he was going to be the liberator of people, that he could be the one who would reveal the REAL truth?
Arrogant. Snob. Idiot. Hypocrite.
He now realized, there is no such thing staying neutral. On the fence.
He had been living his life on the basis that he could do anything without having to be responsible for his actions. After all, everything was relative was it not, or at least if it weren't, he could still try to make a comparison.
Fool.
What a waste of his life all this while.
No, I cannot say yes, because it would lean towards their party, but at the same time, a 'no' would be more in line with the other party, he thought out as he was walking towards his car.
Confused.
Were everything he had done, just simply an excuse to avoid making real decisions? All the theory about relative truth, and all the talk about we are no where near the real truth. Had he being lying to himself? After all, if that's what he really believed in, the things he practice in his office as a doctor, were merely trials of attaining real truth.
The floodgate of thoughts can no longer hold the rushing torrent of questions. It started to feel like his life was a waste. How could he have held on so long to principles that were so against living? Were humans really there to search eternally for truth? Or was he merely too arrogant to accept his true purpose on earth? Did he feel all this while that he was going to be the liberator of people, that he could be the one who would reveal the REAL truth?
Arrogant. Snob. Idiot. Hypocrite.
He now realized, there is no such thing staying neutral. On the fence.
He had been living his life on the basis that he could do anything without having to be responsible for his actions. After all, everything was relative was it not, or at least if it weren't, he could still try to make a comparison.
Fool.
What a waste of his life all this while.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
grey
Today, was a good day. Being the last day in Indiana, I went out with one of the Malaysians here. We went shopping, altering her wedding gown, then lunch and more shopping. As always, I appreciate the chance to sit and talk about life, discuss about things that we face or have faced.
Prior to this, not too long ago, I used to be able to tell, instantly, whether it was wrong or right. These days however, these days, I'm not sure what falls within the shades of black and the spotless white. Matters have fallen into the grey area. I, no longer certain of what's right and wrong, can no longer place my opinion in matter as clearly as I used to.
As I step out more of the world that I used to know so well, the more unclear my vision, my line of sight on things, comes to a blur. I no longer tell someone, that something they do is wrong. I can only say, it's hard. It's hard to tell someone, that something they did, is not in keeping with God's law. Maybe after a while, after feeling like one as fallen, they can't tell between what's right and what's wrong. Or they don't want. How can the wrong judge the wrong? Or even at that correct the wrong? Or is it because one becomes more and more nonchalant, and just isn't bothered. Or perhaps, it's because, as you grow old, you become less and less passionate about the things around you, only in the things that involve you.
Which?
On a brighter note, I bought myself a french press. Good coffee coming my way. Soon. Good book, Good music. Now good coffee.
Prior to this, not too long ago, I used to be able to tell, instantly, whether it was wrong or right. These days however, these days, I'm not sure what falls within the shades of black and the spotless white. Matters have fallen into the grey area. I, no longer certain of what's right and wrong, can no longer place my opinion in matter as clearly as I used to.
As I step out more of the world that I used to know so well, the more unclear my vision, my line of sight on things, comes to a blur. I no longer tell someone, that something they do is wrong. I can only say, it's hard. It's hard to tell someone, that something they did, is not in keeping with God's law. Maybe after a while, after feeling like one as fallen, they can't tell between what's right and what's wrong. Or they don't want. How can the wrong judge the wrong? Or even at that correct the wrong? Or is it because one becomes more and more nonchalant, and just isn't bothered. Or perhaps, it's because, as you grow old, you become less and less passionate about the things around you, only in the things that involve you.
Which?
On a brighter note, I bought myself a french press. Good coffee coming my way. Soon. Good book, Good music. Now good coffee.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
travellin'
Goodbye girl. Gone to see the world,
Out to see everything but me.
Your letters aint coming that much any more
Your letters aint coming at all.
I've been to Memphis; I've been to Rome,
But because you were here, I came back home.
Now I'm not trying to place any blame
But I came back for you now I'd expect you do the same.
Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.
Good-bye girl gone to see the world,
Out to see every thing you choose
Now it's becoming so clear
That your feet are planted deep
In your travellin' shoes
Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.
-Matt Mays: Travellin'
Life as it is. Travelling all over. Stopping at places only for a few years, then moving on. I'm honestly looking forward to the day, I'm more permanent in one place.
Out to see everything but me.
Your letters aint coming that much any more
Your letters aint coming at all.
I've been to Memphis; I've been to Rome,
But because you were here, I came back home.
Now I'm not trying to place any blame
But I came back for you now I'd expect you do the same.
Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.
Good-bye girl gone to see the world,
Out to see every thing you choose
Now it's becoming so clear
That your feet are planted deep
In your travellin' shoes
Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.
-Matt Mays: Travellin'
Life as it is. Travelling all over. Stopping at places only for a few years, then moving on. I'm honestly looking forward to the day, I'm more permanent in one place.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
when i grow up i want to be...
When we were young, every once in a while, we get asked by our parents, by their friends, what we want to be when we grow up.
Astronaut. Taxi driver. Doctor. Teacher. Lawyer. Singer. Comic artist. Fireman. Engineer. Policeman. Garbage collector. Businessman. Superhero. Etc etc etc.
Some of us more fixed with what we want to do, some not as certain until the last year where applications are due, and most people are just baffled with what they want to do. While some put serious thoughts into the longer run of things, some, some dabble on things of today, or rather, things in the shorter run.
I for one, during highschool, always wanted to be in the 'popular' crowd. Of what I now think as the most awkward years of anyone's life (at least mine), I still have no idea why I had no better sense then to avoid such a silly notion (of wanting to be popular).
I remember, trying to hang out with the popular group, making sure I get invited into all the groups outings, knowing what there is to know, and what is needed to be known if one is to be recognized as one of them in the group. Dressing in 'cool' clothes, speaking in codes that only group members understood.
Silly isn't it? If the I, the current me, was in that position 10 years ago, I would have learned not to opt for the superficial things, but choice things that matter. In the long run anyways.
Today, I find myself more cautious, asking myself each time I do something, what's the drive or the purpose behind the thought and action. I have to ensure, it's not for reasons that are of no benefit to me.
Sometimes, I wish I could think more longitudinally and laterally at the same time. But then, I would be a god wouldn't I ? Today, I have to choose, not just for tomorrow, but the days that follow. Be it job, be it any kind of work or relationships.
p/s: .... i want to be a greatly skilled general surgeon ;)
Astronaut. Taxi driver. Doctor. Teacher. Lawyer. Singer. Comic artist. Fireman. Engineer. Policeman. Garbage collector. Businessman. Superhero. Etc etc etc.
Some of us more fixed with what we want to do, some not as certain until the last year where applications are due, and most people are just baffled with what they want to do. While some put serious thoughts into the longer run of things, some, some dabble on things of today, or rather, things in the shorter run.
I for one, during highschool, always wanted to be in the 'popular' crowd. Of what I now think as the most awkward years of anyone's life (at least mine), I still have no idea why I had no better sense then to avoid such a silly notion (of wanting to be popular).
I remember, trying to hang out with the popular group, making sure I get invited into all the groups outings, knowing what there is to know, and what is needed to be known if one is to be recognized as one of them in the group. Dressing in 'cool' clothes, speaking in codes that only group members understood.
Silly isn't it? If the I, the current me, was in that position 10 years ago, I would have learned not to opt for the superficial things, but choice things that matter. In the long run anyways.
Today, I find myself more cautious, asking myself each time I do something, what's the drive or the purpose behind the thought and action. I have to ensure, it's not for reasons that are of no benefit to me.
Sometimes, I wish I could think more longitudinally and laterally at the same time. But then, I would be a god wouldn't I ? Today, I have to choose, not just for tomorrow, but the days that follow. Be it job, be it any kind of work or relationships.
p/s: .... i want to be a greatly skilled general surgeon ;)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
prevention
Holding a hot kettle not by its handle, will teach you to hold it by its the next time.
Crashing your parents car when you are semi high will teach you, never drink and drive ever again.
Failling your exam, will teach you to study harder for future exams.
Making so many mistakes, in relationships with the opposite sex, will teach you to back off until you know you are totally ready.
Being mistreated by people whom you call friends, will teach you not to go near them, but to avoid them at all costs.
Failure to forge whatever it is that needs to be made, will teach you, sometimes, to never ever try again.
However unfortunate it is sometimes, it's hard to fight against the tides of fate, which seems to have the upper hand in everything. No luck, no love, no cash - really can make one's life very very frustrating.
Luckily, I don't gamble or am in a relationship. Phew.
Sometimes, I'm amazed at how so many people have so much energy to fight on. If it were me? I'd give up. Hey. Better to prevent then to go through hurt, no ?
Crashing your parents car when you are semi high will teach you, never drink and drive ever again.
Failling your exam, will teach you to study harder for future exams.
Making so many mistakes, in relationships with the opposite sex, will teach you to back off until you know you are totally ready.
Being mistreated by people whom you call friends, will teach you not to go near them, but to avoid them at all costs.
Failure to forge whatever it is that needs to be made, will teach you, sometimes, to never ever try again.
However unfortunate it is sometimes, it's hard to fight against the tides of fate, which seems to have the upper hand in everything. No luck, no love, no cash - really can make one's life very very frustrating.
Luckily, I don't gamble or am in a relationship. Phew.
Sometimes, I'm amazed at how so many people have so much energy to fight on. If it were me? I'd give up. Hey. Better to prevent then to go through hurt, no ?
Monday, January 15, 2007
patience
Ah. Patience. The past few days, with the short, but expressive few posts, there was a certain amount of escalating anger in me. A long time ago, I remember trying to work it out, to be a more patient person. But just as of late, I find myself getting angry over the smallest thing, and I started becoming very quick to judge, and very quick to throw a fit.
This weekend, I spent time with a senior from medical school, who had her boyfriend's neice over staying with them. I was amazed to see how patient and well they worked in controlling her behavior. No frustrations despite the little girls tantrums and at the same no compromise. I was amazed to see how two people, about my age, are caring for a 5 year old.
It brings me back to the whole point of being more patient, being less selfless. Not that I want to have a kid anytime soon (I don't think I can bear the responsibilities nor can I sacrifice buying what I want vs what the other person needs. Am I anywhere close? I don't know. I don't know if I really want to find out either.
The new mantra on top of 'have to be single' is - 'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
This weekend, I spent time with a senior from medical school, who had her boyfriend's neice over staying with them. I was amazed to see how patient and well they worked in controlling her behavior. No frustrations despite the little girls tantrums and at the same no compromise. I was amazed to see how two people, about my age, are caring for a 5 year old.
It brings me back to the whole point of being more patient, being less selfless. Not that I want to have a kid anytime soon (I don't think I can bear the responsibilities nor can I sacrifice buying what I want vs what the other person needs. Am I anywhere close? I don't know. I don't know if I really want to find out either.
The new mantra on top of 'have to be single' is - 'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
Friday, January 12, 2007
dog lover / dog hater?
Imagine innocently walking around in the house that you are living in (you may add skipping and humming some innocent tune), and suddenly, someone's dog pounces on you, with it's sharp nails and starts treating your toes like they are chinese sausages or something. Stupid dog keeps on trying to nibble on them.
For goodness sakes already, they ain't lap cheong but the friggin dog isn't able to tell the difference.
I'm kinda getting sick of the dog that's brought in by the owner's friend. It's 6 months old, it's untrained, and the owner leaves it locked in a room behind the kitchen when she goes off to work. How is that going to help train the dog be any better? I think it's making it worse. I think the dog gets very very lonely during the day, and when it's finally out, it goes all crazy for attention.
Argh.
I seriously want to strangle the dog.... and not take responsibility for it. Can?
On brigther side of things, I managed to occupy my time today by going to borders. However, not having my camera meant I couldn't take pics of the scenery near the mall, which is a gigantic monument erected after civil war. I vow to return for pics. AND, I bought myself a book to past the time. Wicked. Hope it will be a good read. Or else, I'll just use it to smack the dog. Tee hee hee.
For goodness sakes already, they ain't lap cheong but the friggin dog isn't able to tell the difference.
I'm kinda getting sick of the dog that's brought in by the owner's friend. It's 6 months old, it's untrained, and the owner leaves it locked in a room behind the kitchen when she goes off to work. How is that going to help train the dog be any better? I think it's making it worse. I think the dog gets very very lonely during the day, and when it's finally out, it goes all crazy for attention.
Argh.
I seriously want to strangle the dog.... and not take responsibility for it. Can?
On brigther side of things, I managed to occupy my time today by going to borders. However, not having my camera meant I couldn't take pics of the scenery near the mall, which is a gigantic monument erected after civil war. I vow to return for pics. AND, I bought myself a book to past the time. Wicked. Hope it will be a good read. Or else, I'll just use it to smack the dog. Tee hee hee.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
pissed off
Man. Why do people twist your intentions around? When you try to be nice and bring a topic into conversation over the sake of conversation, and of some small idea that someday you want to do something nice for that person, why has it to turn to a target for insults?
It makes me question, if it's worth at all trying to put other people ahead of myself. TIMES like this, I really want to tell ppl to simply bugger off, and that I will try to survive on my own.
In case you cannot already tell. I am boiling. I am boiling because I don't want to take insults anymore. Sure, I'm not the brightest guy when it comes to certain things, but don't have to insult what I'm trying to offer.
ARGH. DIRECT RANT ON THE BLOG.
I need to go punch some things and then scream.
It makes me question, if it's worth at all trying to put other people ahead of myself. TIMES like this, I really want to tell ppl to simply bugger off, and that I will try to survive on my own.
In case you cannot already tell. I am boiling. I am boiling because I don't want to take insults anymore. Sure, I'm not the brightest guy when it comes to certain things, but don't have to insult what I'm trying to offer.
ARGH. DIRECT RANT ON THE BLOG.
I need to go punch some things and then scream.
Monday, January 08, 2007
tomorrow
who knows what tomorrow brings
who knows if the decisions we make today
will make us regret tomorrow
we live each day like there's no tomorrow
without thinking about the consequences
without thinking about the outcomes
when you live like you are in a dream
you want to stay dreaming
you don't want to wake up
when you dream a nightmare
you want to wake up
but you wake into the horrors of life
so today
today love the people you should love
forgive the people you hate
make peace with the ones you fought with
for who knows
who knows what tomorrow brings
that on your death bed
you may forget, but more likely
you will remember
and to regret...
let's not leave it for tomorrow
live today as it is for tomorrow
who knows if the decisions we make today
will make us regret tomorrow
we live each day like there's no tomorrow
without thinking about the consequences
without thinking about the outcomes
when you live like you are in a dream
you want to stay dreaming
you don't want to wake up
when you dream a nightmare
you want to wake up
but you wake into the horrors of life
so today
today love the people you should love
forgive the people you hate
make peace with the ones you fought with
for who knows
who knows what tomorrow brings
that on your death bed
you may forget, but more likely
you will remember
and to regret...
let's not leave it for tomorrow
live today as it is for tomorrow
Saturday, January 06, 2007
criticism
It's hard to be a critic sometimes, and it's hard to receive criticism. I'm sure everyone (definitely including I) prefer to be on the giving end.
Today, I watched as a fellow colleague get yelled at for a mistake he made. Bear in mind, we are students, and as much as possible, we should have least mistakes as possible, but with so many things in medicine, it's impossible at times to not make a mistake.
Well, diverting away from today's incident and talking on a more general term, I think about myself, and as much as possible, I try not to criticize. Unfortunately, I still do. (I know I know, some of you are giving me that look, with a smirk on your face.)
While growing up, I faced a lot of harsh criticism, and for the better of it, I've grown to check myself often to make sure that I don't make certain mistakes. It's sad though that sometimes I think myself, too bad I'm not extraordinarily good at this particular thing, or else I would totally be arrogant about it and someone would get bad criticism if I caught them doing it wrong. Haha. (That's why God made me the way I am, so that I'd be humble.)
These days, I'm learning to critisize in a manner that's more building. Every once in a while, I forget, and I blow or act like a spoilt brat/contipated man.
This was something I caught in the clinic I was working at, and I think it's a very good reminder of who we are and what we all go through.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
Today, I watched as a fellow colleague get yelled at for a mistake he made. Bear in mind, we are students, and as much as possible, we should have least mistakes as possible, but with so many things in medicine, it's impossible at times to not make a mistake.
Well, diverting away from today's incident and talking on a more general term, I think about myself, and as much as possible, I try not to criticize. Unfortunately, I still do. (I know I know, some of you are giving me that look, with a smirk on your face.)
While growing up, I faced a lot of harsh criticism, and for the better of it, I've grown to check myself often to make sure that I don't make certain mistakes. It's sad though that sometimes I think myself, too bad I'm not extraordinarily good at this particular thing, or else I would totally be arrogant about it and someone would get bad criticism if I caught them doing it wrong. Haha. (That's why God made me the way I am, so that I'd be humble.)
These days, I'm learning to critisize in a manner that's more building. Every once in a while, I forget, and I blow or act like a spoilt brat/contipated man.
This was something I caught in the clinic I was working at, and I think it's a very good reminder of who we are and what we all go through.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Tak laku
Tak laku.
The malaysian term meaning, basically, not hot stuff, not coverted, not wanted.
MAN, is it ever hard to sell yourself to the world. No, not as in sell your soul spirit body.
I mean as in trying to get people to take you in, be it a programme, or a job, or as a friend, or an associate etc.
The past few days, it's just been me trying to find out what's next on the list on, how do I get myself somewhere today? It's truly like a tease. Like a million bucks just an inch away from you, all yours if you can get it. IF you can get it. If the inch thick glass is to be that easily broken into.
Yes. My pessimism is getting to me. All I'm trying to do is get a job after I've graduated. Looks like, life really ain't all that easy at all.
Not the "beg and please" like when we were young. If you beg enough times, you might just get what you want. No "beg and please" here. Just "all you have", your "CV" and perhaps your "outstanding qualifications".
In Malaysia, the term tak laku, often is followed by sau tong or sau pei.
Which should I do? Save skin? Or close shop?
......... gambate/ chia yu/ ka yau ???
The malaysian term meaning, basically, not hot stuff, not coverted, not wanted.
MAN, is it ever hard to sell yourself to the world. No, not as in sell your soul spirit body.
I mean as in trying to get people to take you in, be it a programme, or a job, or as a friend, or an associate etc.
The past few days, it's just been me trying to find out what's next on the list on, how do I get myself somewhere today? It's truly like a tease. Like a million bucks just an inch away from you, all yours if you can get it. IF you can get it. If the inch thick glass is to be that easily broken into.
Yes. My pessimism is getting to me. All I'm trying to do is get a job after I've graduated. Looks like, life really ain't all that easy at all.
Not the "beg and please" like when we were young. If you beg enough times, you might just get what you want. No "beg and please" here. Just "all you have", your "CV" and perhaps your "outstanding qualifications".
In Malaysia, the term tak laku, often is followed by sau tong or sau pei.
Which should I do? Save skin? Or close shop?
......... gambate/ chia yu/ ka yau ???
Monday, January 01, 2007
new year in Indianopolis
It's 6am in Indianapolis, and I'm back, after a new year's eve party and sending a fellow friend to the airport, just before I go to bed, and before the sun rises, I sit and reminisce 2006.
A year of great tiumphs and tribulations.
I managed to finish year 3, despite bumps along the way.
I found friends that I'm closer and can relate to.
I'm a little better at the guitar.
I'm a little more confident, a little more outspoken.
I mangaged to settle in.
But,
I miss my family.
I'm uncertain of my future.
I still procrastinate.
I'm still not as brave as I would like to be.
I find that I'm still most of the time, in between things, not knowing what I want exactly, and still torn between two worlds.
Torn btwn two worlds. I'm too good to be bad, and too bad to be good. I want to be in righteousness, but sometimes, I crave to do the wrong things. Ah. What a confusion.
What will 2007 bring?
More effort to work harder, like I always promise myself? Time to truly change and go all out for studies? If I really want to come to the states, I've got to work harder than I am right now.
NO more games, no more time wasting, need to utilize every moment that I have for my own benefit. Be it studies, be it diversifying thyself, I need to work on it.
NEED to.
Will I? Can I?
365 days to tell, whether I can truly change with pure iron determination.
A year of great tiumphs and tribulations.
I managed to finish year 3, despite bumps along the way.
I found friends that I'm closer and can relate to.
I'm a little better at the guitar.
I'm a little more confident, a little more outspoken.
I mangaged to settle in.
But,
I miss my family.
I'm uncertain of my future.
I still procrastinate.
I'm still not as brave as I would like to be.
I find that I'm still most of the time, in between things, not knowing what I want exactly, and still torn between two worlds.
Torn btwn two worlds. I'm too good to be bad, and too bad to be good. I want to be in righteousness, but sometimes, I crave to do the wrong things. Ah. What a confusion.
What will 2007 bring?
More effort to work harder, like I always promise myself? Time to truly change and go all out for studies? If I really want to come to the states, I've got to work harder than I am right now.
NO more games, no more time wasting, need to utilize every moment that I have for my own benefit. Be it studies, be it diversifying thyself, I need to work on it.
NEED to.
Will I? Can I?
365 days to tell, whether I can truly change with pure iron determination.
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