one of those days

One of those days. You wake up. You feel like doing your own thing. Let the work wait. Let the chips fall.
One of those days, where you don't feel like lifting a single muscle. Not out of laziness. Just. Just one of those days.
One of those days, you want to take control, but want to let loose and let go.
One of those days, where you wake up, and your bed is empty. Just you and you're alone.
One of those days, food couldn't taste any worse. As if the buds on the tongue has shut down. And everything tastes like nothing.
One of those days, where sleep couldn't be more comforting, but sitting up and thinking is good too.
One of those days, when you feel so lost, yet so in control. The list that forever awaits its completion. The end that's so yearned for, but the starts not even began.
One of those days. One of those darn days.

Well, I say. Enough of this darn days. I want one of THESE days. These days that change, so fluidly, without me cringing in disgust as I wake up in the morning. Yes. One of theses days.

life as a medical student

Life as a medical student. The title? Almost like one of an autobiography. Hence, this little blog entry will be a mini autobiography.

Life as a medical student. I don't know why I would call it life as a medical student because, essentially, there's no 'life' in a medical student's life. Coming into clinical years, was the best thing I thought could happen in medical school. Guess what ? I'm only partially right. Haha. Yes. Only partially right. Slogging everyday to be the best on the ward, only to come home to do more work. Sutdy harder and to make sure I know all the facts that I need to know on the ward and to pass my exams.
Sure. Once in a while, I hang out with ppl, do some stuff that I like, but, seriously, gone are the days where I lay idle for days, watching tv or sleeping, or just reading books. I guess it's all about growing up eh ? About accepting more responsibilities and what not ?

Hence, I retract my earlier statement. This should be named, growing up as a medical student.
Oh wait. I'm getting older too. So... growing up as a senior medical student.

*whistles*

hate, anger, frustration

Somedays, I wonder if I can rid myself of hate and unforgiveness. While looking through some pictures, I saw this person which I still till this, regrettably have resentment upon. I know, I should forgive. But some days I find it so hard. Not that this person is anymore in my life to cause anymore grievance and somedays, I wonder if ever am doing the right thing.

The story is unimportant, only to say that, there was one thing that I thought would never happen to me, did, was that I felt very betrayed by a person who I trusted so much in. This ultimately made me the person I am today, unable to trust many ppl to a certain extent. I think, I shut myself from emotions sometimes because I'm so afraid that someone would hurt me. I'd rather not cry, not be hurt. If I'm not close enough to someone, then that person cannot hurt me. What wierd mentatlity, I do agree, but those who have been hurt and feel that they cannot yet forgive, will understand me.

So, where do I go from here? I tell God sometimes how much this person reminds me things that I DO NOT want to remember. Unfortunately, one can only run so far before hitting a dead end again, running blindly as they keep looking behind and end up hitting the wall in front. Am I sometimes too caught up in my past?

My story, my problems, not to undermine it, but is so insignificant. (I mean, compared to those who are being persecuted in China). So, why is it so hard for me to do what I'm supposed to do and move forword victoriously, to live for Christ and carry out His greatest command ?

"Real gold fears no fire".

Am I real gold material ? Time will tell. Time will tell.

indescribable

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colours of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

--------

Creator of heaven and earth,
Lord I'm in awe,
Your power, your majesty,
I humbly bow before,
And proclaim,
Lord, you are King of all.

the Savior

Knock.

The pain. It seared through his body with each blow.

Knock.

"Why have I been forsaken?"

Knock.

"I have been betrayed and am about to be shamed for all to see."

He has to carry the burden on the road to death. To Golgotha. All the people who came to see him, who laid their clothes on the road and used palm leaves to welcome him in, are the some people, who were now hissing. Jeering. Spitting on his pathway. What was his sin that he had to punished like two other thieves? Was it for loving and caring? Was it for sharing his wisdom with us? For performing miracles? For being the son of God?

---

We are here today, because He gave His life up for us. We are forgiven, because He took all our condemnations, all our sins, all our mistakes, and washed us away with His precious blood. We are clean. As white as snow. The account? Reseted. All the old pages torn out and new ones put in.

What have we done with His mercy and grace? What have we done with His forgiveness?

So many times, we feel that God's grace, Christ's death, cannot conquer our sins. That we are so sinful, Christ's blood cannot wash away our sins. Why do we trick ourselves, telling ourselves and one point, that our God, our Lord is the greatest, and yet His power of forgiveness is not enough to cleanse away our sins?

Cor 11:9 - ..."My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"...

I feel so ashamed everytime I try to dilute the power of the cross. Everytime I think, God's forgiveness is not enough, I remember, the hammer hitting the nail into the flesh of Christ. Each knock reminds me: God has paid so much. So much. There's not a thing in this world, that can beat that. Nothing, can overcome the power of the cross.

the about the loose mouth

I think 2 ppl that read my blog would understand instantly what the title means. After the discussion we had. Not about me having a loose mouth, or that I said something to them that I shouldn't have. It was what I have said to other ppl, albeit innocently, but still seemed to be a grave mistake.

Has any one of you, said something and then, foudn out later, that you weren't supposed to tell anyone? Man. I felt like I had a loose mouth. And THAT is nearly as bad as being a gossip. I really have to be careful with my words eh ? With who I talk with, and who I confide with. It's not nice when something you said, may have ended being used against someone. Especially, when it makes someone fall away from Christ. *shakes fist at devil*

Well, time to start the march eh? I feel I've been silent on the things that matter most, and too loose with those that shouldn't be spoken too much about. What I'm saying is, more for Christ, less of gossip. Okay. Not gossip. I mean... erm.... empty chatter. (I don't want to sound like an old aunt that gossips lots).

Time to crawl, walk, FLY...

birthday

Yeap. It was my birthday the other day, I believe most of you knew that. T'was a plesant surprise the other day, or rather night, when the whole bunch of church ppl came over to cramp in front of my door and yell surprise. I must admit, I did know something was happening, but I didn't expect so many ppl to have appear at my door.
Thanks ppl. All of you who were there made my day.
As much as this sounds like I've just received an Emmy, I still want to do it. Haha. My few mins of 'fame'. Anyhow, I also want to thank those gave me a call or sms. I appreciately it deeply that you not only remember my birthday but actually msged me/called me/wished me over msn. Sniff. I'm really touched.
I must say, the best gift of all would be, just being able to talk to family for that short few instances. Always nice to hear from my family. Even better, they decided to send a present from Ebay. Haha. Totally awesome. :)
THe last, but not the least, I really want to thank God. Thank Him for not only making me, but providing me with ppl wherever I go. It was sad for me to leave M'sia and all my friends, but I never got depressed because God provided company. Godly company.

Ahh... what a birthday. 23. Another year older, another year bolder. Hope to grow more and more in God. and, erm... be amiable too ? haha. :)

burden

Before I began, I must say, this idea came from Bern Chia (one of my close friends back in M'sia). I must state this, so that I'm not sued for plagiarism. Haha. Or at least, he won't come hounding down my neck about writing the same topic as he did.

Interestingly, after reading his blog, I realised, this one whole year, since I've been here, has been such a weird slow year. I dare say I've regressed, unfortunately, and not quite once the person I used to be back in M'sia. And these days, I feel it's worse than ever. The constant panic of not doing what I'm supposed to do. I feel 'dirty' and 'unworthy', and each day I cry out, " Have I diluted Your grace Lord?".

I call myself "a hypocrite" and "a liar", no longer being able to justify what and why I'm doing certain things.

It's today I realised, I have hardened myself. Stiff necked. Stuborn. Obstinate. Deaf ears. Mule.

The derogatory terms I use on myself. Even yet, I find no release and no forgiveness. I admit, I was made to fly, but I clipped my own wings. I didn't trust that God made me for better things, but trusted in my own strength. My own capabilities. If I did this just that many times....
But now, the feeling of failure dawns upon me. I cannot do anything by myself. My success, my life, my dreams, it's all in God's hands.

It's time to fly.

Phillipians 4:
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

His will, and not mine.

Isaiah 55:
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

interesting

Hey peeps. If u are free, go do this. I'm curious.

Ian's Johari window

salute

This place that I went to, really affected me. Read the words on the stone. While I was there, somehow, even with many ppl around talking and laughing, I felt like it was dead silent. So peaceful, yet so depressing. The serene sadness.
To this ppl, I pray their souls go back home to God. Note the line that goes: they have become one with the sea and the sky.

Some day, I will be there too. One with the sky and sea. Not that I'm looking forward to it, but I would certainly embrace, being face to face with my creator again.
Bless these souls.

the way we look at the world

Interesting movie I just watched. Crash. I can understand why it won the academy award for best movie.

It's strange how, sometimes, we look at skin color and cringe. Or to have a certain preconception about someone you don't even meet. Maybe not everyone has this habit, but I for one, certainly fall victim. It's sad really. I judge quickly. As quick as a predator would pounce on its victim as soon as it has the chance.

It's worse when someone gives me a bad impression the first time I meet them. It lasts quite a while before that person gets to clear his/her name. And here I am, complaining that ppl shouldn't be making judgements on the first impression.

All those times that I may have not helped someone with my 100% just because I thought they'd not deserve it. Yet, I'm being good here, and doing them a favor. Hurray for Ian the savior!

Man. Sometimes, I feel my name's spelt as H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E.

Anyway, for all those who are movie lovers, I highly recommend crash. Watch it and you'll understand what I'm trying to say. It's even funnier when you find yourself rooting for certain characters for the weirdest reasons. Some being, not liking certain characters eventhough they can turn good in the end. The story had many values to learn about, and the most impt at the end of the day is that, given the right chance, anyone can change for the better. Agree?

defeated

"Idiots. All of them. Every single one of them."

He flew in a rage again. Upset and feeling betrayed. The feeling of being defeated and the word LOSER plays over and over in his mind.

"Why? Why o why me? What did I do to end up like this?"

He felt like he had no longer the strength to push on. To be patient with everything, and to not display his feelings of anger.
That look on his face, was not anger. It was betrayel. Carved all over his face. Disappointment, to the point he wanted to burst out in tears. But he couldn't. He had to be strong. No one else will be for him.

"God, I need you now, more than ever. Lord, I am weak, and You are strong. Your yolk is light and mine is heavy laden. Lord, You said, that You will take my load. Lord. Please. I don't know if I can last another day."

What he heard in his head, he knew were lies. But they were so convincing. It was so easy to believe them and continue to wallow in them. After all, who doesn't like to have pity for themselves.

Pityful creature.

away

away I am. studying hard I'm supposed to be. be back once exams are over.
man. I think I've lose weight from stress.

Yikes, I'll be left with only skin and bones.

familiar or family?

I don't know how many times I've been told:

"You look familiar, have I met you before somewhere else?"

I don't know what to take of it. Familiar face. Hmmm.... does it mean:
a) ordinary?
b) special?
c) I give ppl a sense of deja vu?
d) ppl use it as a pick up line (which is bad, because this comes from both male and female, some married too)
e) just something ppl say often.

I have lost count of how many times this had happen. While I've been in Canada alone ? Easily 20 times I would say. Okay. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Whatever.

Or maybe. I've blend into like what on of the doctors here once joked. EVERYONE LOOKS THE SAME. Hence, my theory is, I've become somewhat like a haligonian. It's something like, when you look at me, you think you are looking at the mirror. Comprende?

Oo... I see lots of (one) eyebrows being raised. Guess I'll stop here then.

Tum ti tum.....

Have a good week guys/girls :)

when winter ends, love springs...

What a weird title to put, I must admit. It's not so much that I'm in love with spring, but truely, it is the end of winter that I'm so excited about. Wouldn't like to live in anything below -5 if possible.

But, that's not the message I'm trying to convey with my title.
Maybe my title should be more specific, like puppy love. Or highschool love. Or love when you're young and passionate. But since, neither of there titles are as catchy, I vouched for the one, which is the title right now. (Am I making sense?)

Yeah, this thought came about when I was talking to someone about relationships. How the guy like the girl and vice versa. Then, all the cute questions like,"How do you know he likes me ?Are you sure?" (that's the excited response of a person who has reciprocal feelings). Some more of it would be: "Are you sure? Really? I don't think so? Are you sure?" Then comes the blush. Haha.

I totally remember those days. Not to say I'm that old. I'm trying to say, it's not very long ago. :)

So, is it time for a relationship? Recently, some ppl asked me about what kind of girl I liked (those some ppl may even be reading me blog now), and I told them there's a lot. Not because I wanted to be rude or wanted to show superiority, but I guess at that point of time, and even now, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I don't think I can handle anything as big as that. Not that I'm afraid of being committed, it's more of not being commited that I'm worried about. I don't want to start something I can't finish. As simple as that. And I want to trust God that He will tell me when it's time.

BUT...

yes, always with the buts. Sometimes, I wonder if it'll ever happen. Or if I should go ahead. I clearly remember the last time doing something I felt God didn't want me to do. I really felt like I was sinning in broad daylight. Like it was clearly stated, I shouldn't, but I went ahead with anyways. That's that.

I guess I should do as my best friend told me: Be whole yourself first with God before starting another relationship.

Because, unlike what Jerry Maguire said, my spouse/my life partner will not "complete me".

What do you guys/girls think?

things u do and regret later

It's interesting how we do things so impulsively and then regret of our actions like an hour later. Well, it's not that I have never not done this before, I have, but yet I still repeat things I wish I never do.
Take for instance, just the other day, after preaching tolerance to others and telling myself ot be patient with this ONE person, I finally couldn't do. I blew it. I guess the tipping point for me was, not only was the person lying, that particualr person did not want to admit the mistake that was made. Instead of apologizing and promising not to do it again, this person turns the guilt trip around and accuses me of not being trusting enough.

Fine.

I admit. I'm at fault too. If I didn't pick too much on this person, maybe all my advice wouldn't fall onto death ears. Maybe, if I was patient enough, God would speak to that person. Maybe if I be patient for a while longer I won't have to face THIS anymore. Maybe this and maybe that. I was giving myself excuse.

Without God's love in me, and without His patience, I found myself to have ran out quickly. Ran out on patience, ran dry on God's love. Whenever I do this, whenever I do something wrong, I feel like I've fallen from grace. Well. Not that everything's been really running smoothly as I'd like anyways as it, but this is worse.

I guess, as much as I feel like I'm slipping I can only hold on to this:

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I guess I need to do the next thing. To say sorry eh ?

the line that's plagued with death and the blessed with the gift of life

As I progress more along this line, the more I see death and well of coure life too. But the childish dream of saving lives may just come to an abrupt end or just stay as a dream if I don't work harder. As my exams approach, I panic more, like a little boy who can't hold his bladder running to the toilet. I leak. Under pressure.

Nice.

Just the other day, I spoke to a patient before she went into the operation room. I met her and her family the week before in clinic, doing the whole history and physical for admission (yada yada... not impt ). I get very chatty with patients, and like to form relationships with them. Sad thing is, if I don't buck up with my head knowledge, I'm just going to either be able to cheer my patients with friendly chatter, or I'd chatter them to death. Either ways, it will fit the profile of medicine as I described (see above).

Right. I thought I'd be nonchalant about things for once and blog about rubbish. I believe I'm succeeding aren't I?
Anyhow, before saying good bye to the patient, I said something really corny, like ." Right, gotta go. Busy saving lives" jokingly with a thumbs up and a wide cheesy grin.

As I walked away, I chided myself, for once again, for I had let the lack of sleep diminish the functions of my frontal lobe. Patients must think I'm nuts.
RIght. Back to studying. Still as cool as a cucumber. Not panicking yet.

Ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodness.............

(Some random screaming and thrashing around the room)

one without the other, is nothing

You know, I've just learn to appreciate thing a little more. All the cold weather, the freezing while walking from one place to another, I've learn to appreciate it, because today, when the weather was -1, it felt great. My point is, you cannot appreciate current conditions if you have never experienced worse. A lot of ppl can't say, thank God I'm whole and have all four limbs until they see someone who doesn't have one of their limbs, or even worse, when they themselves lose one limb.

Speaking to an old patient the other day about being young again and having no responsibilities, and she was saying while it would be nice to be young again. she doesn't really want to live that life again. To think about it, it's true. To make all those embarassing mistakes all over again ? Haha. The puppy love in highschool and what nots?

You know how all of us go through those cringing moments, when we make those silly mistakes and we feel like we'll never get through it? 5 years ago I wouldn't be able to tolerate much, and even right now I believe I can only tolerate so much. But I'm thankful that I've been through all the pains and groans eash time I had a problem. 23 this year. I've grown I believe. As much as I don't feel it, when I think about it, I know, I've grown.

I can only say: Thank God! He has been my rock!

So essentially, joy without first experiencing sorrow is nothing, because, it's just another noun until you can make the comparison and be joyous (an adjective??!?!?)

i'm old too!!!

You scored as Gandalf. You are Gandalf! This wise, old mage is loyal and brave. He is known for his counsel and advice to his friends and allies during tough times. "All you have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to you." Gandalf 81% Faramir 69% Eowyn 63% Samwise 63% Frodo 63% Aragorn 56% Gollum 38% Arwen 38% Pippin 31% Which LOTR character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

X men quiz

You scored as Wolverine. Wolverine is a loner, and a skilled fighter. He's got the hots for Jean Grey but a better fit for him would be Storm. He doesn't like to follow orders which pisses Cyclops off. He has terrible memories from the experimentation done on him at Weapon X. Even though he doesn't show it, he loves the X-Men. Powers: Fast healing and adamantium skeleton and claws.

Wolverine		90%
Jean Grey		80%
Rogue		70%
Iceman		70%
Cyclops		70%
Storm		65%
Colossus		65%
Beast		60%
Gambit		55%
Emma Frost		45%
Nightcrawler		45%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com