christmas

Similar title to the previous. I know. However, I just wanted to blog about my weekend. The pics will be up soon I promise. As soon as I'm able to load it off my friend's camera.

This christmas, I was in Chicago, windiest city in the world. Not with family, not with regular friends, not in church, not alone either. I was with new found friends, whose company i thoroughly enjoy. It's weird. I dreaded coming because I thought I would be alone. Funny how Malaysians mesh so easily so quickly.

Chicago was a blast mainly because the place was beautiful. It had BEAUTIFUL buildings. Each had its own character, built differently, each trying to outdo or outshow each other. I felt as if I was walking through a dream. Too bad I didn't have my own camera. Or else, I would have certainly shot more photos.

Because of that trip to Chicago, I really want to come to the states. Talk about the deer that enters the village. So struck and dazed by the lights. I hope sooner or later, I won't get hit by the truck with the bright lights.

I wonder if I do start working in a big city, whether one day I would ponder and wonder how it would be like to be in a small place again?

Merry Christmas everyone, albeit a late one.

christmas and new year

Ah. Christmas. I used to love this time of the year, or rather, I used to love this time of the year MORE. I guess the prospects of being far away from people familiar is sad. Although I have to say, that the people in Indiana are fun to hang out with, and I enjoy going out with them. Really easy to get along with. So hopefully, it won't be such a bad last week.

New year was more of what I wanted to talk about albeit the fact that christmas is closer. The coming of the new year was always like a fresh start for me. New resolutions, time to start things properly again. I was a firm believer in fresh starts, and was always happy to have a new chance at doing things right. That's why, initially for many years, I was happy to move out of some place. Due to the fact I wasn't all too popular with people at times, it was nice to be able to just escape and not have to face these people ever again.

Yes. I was a coward. I ran. Ran away from all my problems instead of facing them. For a while there I had been good, and didn't try eluding my troubles.
Now, it's so much so, I don't even bother to think of things to improve myself on in 2007. Honestly, I'm just too tired and I lack the energy to carry out such cumbersome tasks of thinking of areas os weaknesses and correcting it.

Am I the only odd one out or does everyone else feel that, resolutions are useless? Haha.

My only resolution this year (if I were to make one) is to be true to myself.
And not to procrastinate. (oops... over'd my quota)

emptiness

No real words to describe how hollow we can be inside. When surrounded in this world, we think all external things satisfy, but truly, it only does for such a short while. How many times have we tried to substitute something eternal with something so contemporary?
It's unfortunate that we are so short sighted. It's unfortunate that I have such vision which can't be corrected by mere glasses.

Day after day, in all the mistake I make, I question, how can some being, so holy so perfect, ever love someone like me? And in my sin I continue sinning, just because sometimes, I feel there's no use turning around, because I'm such a sinner. Just like with people, when you do something they don't like, you're not in their circle of friends anymore, or the quarrels even sometimes relatives have among each other, then they don't speak to each other for years.

Like a disobedient son that has angered the father so much, there's so much confusion as to what to do next.

Sometimes, I cannot comprehend the value that God sees in me, and that despite and in spite of all I do, I am still loved. He has given so much, forgiven so much, yet in my sinning sometimes I so forget to turn back. It gives me the feeling of being so ungrateful, but even then, God continues to forgive. Will this ever run out? His love? Hopefully not. I need more and more of it each day.

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

updates

I am here in Indianapolis, Indiana. Finally, all those months of correspondence and getting my applications in, I am finally here. I have not really been around the city very much, but to me, this appears to be the kind of city I'd rather be in (provided I don't get mugged) (Haha. Sorry Deb, this is an indirect insult to Halifax, just in case you didn't catch it).

The one thing I'm seriously SERIOUSLY in love with is the hospital. IT IS HUGE. And all the cases in the OR? Are FANTABULOUS. It's like SUPER RARE stuff that you only read in books. Surgical heaven!!!! The only downside to this is having to wake up at about 445 ( or maybe earlier to ensure I get to hospital by 515am. I finish work today at about 730pm. Bummer? It sure is, especially when ppl in other specialties start to say, "Oh. My day is shorter."

Anyhow. Indianapolis is pretty warm despite being told it can be really really cold. I think Halifax is definitely colder. I think I may be able to walk around in shorts soon. This AM was as warm at 7 degrees. No wind chill too. Checking the weather out in Halifax, I saw a -10 (-15 after wind chill). Brrrrrr...

Alright. That's more short update. No intelligent or deep-in-thought kinda post. Have to sign off now to write my mum a long awaited email.

tis the season

Tis the season where the land is white, and full of snow.
Yesterday was one of the few times playing with friends outside before I leave for the states. I know. It's not forever. But 2 months can be long and be bad when you are all by yourself. Anyhow. This isn't a sad blog. Just here to post up pictures for friends and family. Note how I survived subzero temperature in shorts. YEE HA!

humans

Funny how humans think and work. Thinking about sports, and all the types of games you can catch on telly these days. Basketball, soccer, hockey, etc.
People LOVE watching games, cheering their favorite team on, buy their merchandise and boast to the world they support their team.

Now. Why in the world do we love doing that? How is it in anyway beneficial to just watch sports?
Think: why is 20% of north america obese?
Answer: people pay to watch sports, sit on their couches and consume chips, nachos, pop, beer etc.

Wouldn't it be better to just play the sport yourself? I know it's great to have cheer spirit, and be able to have a huge fan club base where you get to meet other people and cheer together, but honestly, would it NOT be better to just play the sports yourself and get good at it?
That's just my opinion.

Today, I saw an obese lady, and she hobbles along like she's a penguin.
So many people on my service, from smoking, from diabetes have their legs amputated.

Have I inspired you enought yet to make you run laps on a daily basis?

brokenness

In my short sightedness I did not see
In the quiet, I could not be still
There were instructions, but I could not comprehend
For everything seemed lost and blurry
Trully, I am blind, deaf and mute.

For I cannot see beyond the things of this world
The promised land is beyond the horizon

As I walk through this desert of dryness
Through the valleys of darkness
And the cold cold forrest

Here I lie, cold and broken
Hoping for help, crying for a way out
Here I lie
In my brokenness

in bitterness or in tears?

Ah. It's frustrating. It's so VERY frustrating, that people have truly moved on in their lives when you have not. It's more frustrating when it's truly the one important thing in your life, and you can't quite seem to get there.

I can't stand to settle for second.

AND unfortunately I am. Reading Aiky's mail (yes, Aiky, YOUR mail if you are reading this blog) has made me realized many things. Well. I already knew this, but I knew I had been settling for mediocrity.

Where's that burning passionate relationship for God, the one that I yearned for not only His presence but His word in my life? Has that fire truely diminish? So much so, the effort to try is even no longer there?

Anyhow, congrats Aiky. Well deserved. As all deserves our ends, you truly deserved yours.
It leaves me in question though, what's mine, and am I doing the right thing?

that time of the year

It's the sense of pending doom. Though nothing is wrong, you feel that everything could just come crashing down. So lost and so... in place yet out of place. It's like in between two opposites, like standing btwn train tracks and both trains are passing by in opposite directions at the same time. Torn would probably be the best word.

What am I talking about? Utter confusion as to what I'll be doing after I graduate. The constant thought of knowing that I'm supposed to be a qualified doctor in one year's time, and am supposed to know a whole bunch of things by then?

This week, getting back into surgery was really good. Initially, I was afraid of the time, having to wake up early and not getting in as much sleep hours. But, I've learnt quite a bit, and it's a matter of getting myself back into the habit. Honestly, this week has been a good reminder why I like surgery so much more than medicine.

Ah. More time to contemplate things. In my dreams, in my good sleep.

ZZzzzz

hang ups

I should have but I didn't...

If only I knew earlier... I would have....

Surely, it wasn't my fault... was it ?

But I checked! Maybe if I looked through it again...


Hang ups. We all have it. I wish sometimes, I would be fast enough to spot it earlier, and do it correctly for the first time before something happens, and I lay in my bed full of regret.
This is still a working process for me, but it really REALLY bothers me somedays when all I can think about my mistakes and how I would react diffrently in certain situations.

Yes, I am alive and well, and should be thankful. Just my mind that curiously wanders off, thinking if things would have been different, if only I had acted differently.

It's a vague blog I know. I'm just thinking out aloud, don't mind me.

fulfilled?

ful·fill also ful·fil (fl-fl) Pronunciation Key Audio pronunciation of "fulfilled" [P]
tr.v. ful·filled, ful·fill·ing, ful·fills, also ful·fils

1. To bring into actuality; effect: fulfilled their promises.
2. To carry out (an order, for example).
3. To measure up to; satisfy. See Synonyms at perform. See Synonyms at satisfy.
4. To bring to an end; complete.

Am I satisfied? Have I brought my purpose into effect? Have I spent my time in such a way that I would truly be able to say that it brings such fulfilment?

The unfortunate event of me playing games for 12 hours (there were breaks in between), shows that I had enough resting. Time to get back to work. Hopefully, I'll feel more fulfilled then.

responsibility

Becoming of age, doesn't necessarily mean one is all grown up. Some say, when you are 23 you are an adult. Others say, when you finally make all your own decisions, you know you've grown up.

As my time as an undergraduate draws to an end (yes, it's my first degree, not second), I have to make numerous decisions on what to do next. Although my parents are still around to be consulted, I have this feeling that I should depend very much on myself and not await directions or orders. I have to decide on my own how to be responsible for myself. Yes, that's the biggest responsibility is that. If I'm going to start working, I have to treat what I do as something of utmost importance, giving my best to it, not to impress, but mainly due to the reason that IT IS MY JOB.
Finances will soon be managed by myself, and I have to learn to allocate my money wisely and not just on CDs, books and entertainment. I have to start to think ahead and not just of today and tomorrow.

As these thoughts run through my mind, I am afraid, I fear for my lack of capability to do such things. In other words, some days I just don't feel like growing up. I'm not here to study anymore (well, learning is a life process) but to learn how to make most of life.

Note: life isn't about being successful in your job, but I feel it is totally of GREAT importance to do the best in all that you do (although I am quite the slacker).

Ah, adulthood, here I come, with trembling hands and faltering feet. If I fall, I know it's not going to be into a gentle embrace. Hard fall, but good scars to remember my mistakes.

Sigh.

sneaky little creature

And there it was, not creeping, but running, but not carelessly, but quiet and so effortlessly. Not 3 men could catch it. All were cautious, unsuspecting that the little beast was not only fast, but intelligent too. Running for its life, it managed in its own way, its taunts. Probably smiling in its failed captors defeat.

It wasn't running for its life. No, the little thing was running for valour and merely to embarass clumsy giants. Giants with poor speed and poor agility. How were any of them going to kill it or even catch it?

Damn mouse.

You defeated 5 mouse traps, which incidentally caught a much bigger beast, that was slower in both speed and wit (Dickson...hahaha). You eluded the 3 musketeers effort to quash you. Not mop, nor broom, nor special sweeper-thing could stop you.

Stupid mouse.

Mock us now with your tiny chatter and laughter. We will catch you soon, and soon, we will have roast mouse.

all grown up (?)

It has been more than a year, since I have been in any kind of BG relationship. No crushes, no attempts, no relationships. I would have to say, it's been a long while since I've been this 'free'. This happened mostly because I realised that, now is really not a good time. I took the time to convince myself that there are more important things to do for now, and being in a relationship can really impede that.
Of course, among some of those important things, I've only done half of them, but I will leave that out for another day.

Now, in the past few weeks/months, it's been heavily weighing on my mind. To do or not to do, that is the question. And to do what? To actualyl start looking of course!

However, what also comes to mind each time I think about this, are a couple of things.

You know how, since Jerry Maguire, people use the words "You complete me", every so often just to win the opposite sex's love/attention etc. And I know people who think the exact same way, including me (in the past). Then I came to realise, not one single human can do that, or should do that. You see, the whole better half idea, is... well, wrong. We are all supposed to be complete beings in Christ. So, my whole idea of finding someone for companionship or because I am lonely, doesn't work.

There is also this thought, that I'm still too selfish at this moment. If I can't give without thinking about myself, I consider myself to be selfish. I think if I can't give enough in a relationship, it's once again, I would be in a relationship for the wrong reasons: like wanting a girlfriend just because and for no particular reason.

Lastly, lust is a big issue which I have to overcome. I'm not saying that I must be 100% clear and pure in my thoughts, but as much as possible, I need to look and speak to a woman with proper respect. (Hope that didn't come out funny).

After all said and done, if the right person comes along, I'm definitely going to make my move, but until then? I'll continue improving and growing in certain aspects.

choosing

First of all, I had to choose between topics. Anyway, instead of writing another whine post about myself, I decided to write about some thoughts, fresh from my mind in the past few days (waitaminute, that's not so fresh now isit?).

Just a recollection of responses, that I get from people when I respond in a certain fashion to certain situations.

"Haha. That's so mean Ian."

"Oh, I'm not mean enough, let's get Ian to call, maybe he can get a better compensation out of this."

Or just the popular stare, and a response that goes like this:
"......"

Yes, all those times I plainly responded that I was merely being blunt, and that was who I was. I like being truthful, and sometimes, it irks me so much that I cannot swallow it. Pride? Perhaps, but honestly, I do like to speak what's off my mind. Of course not in all situations, especially when I know I can't worm my way out of it. But sometimes, I'm less careful with matters, and I let it slip off my tongue.
SOMETIMES, I can feel it coming from the back of my head, like a small cloud rising from the horizon, brewing into a storm. Or something to that extent.

Honestly, with comments like those coming up, I don't think it's so cool anymore to respond the way I do. But to keep quiet or say something some other way, feels like a lie to me. I guess matters can be put more delicately, and not as harsh. Or can it?

seperation

After reading a friend's blog (yes, Deb, it's yours), I had started thinking about my own life and my friendships. In the past few years, wherever I've been have not been for very long.

Initially, when iw as about to leave highschool, I was pleased to be able to move on (bad experience, what else) as I really wanted to start fresh and go to the capital. The city, the lights. I was like a moth attracted to the flames. Haha.
I started college in KL, and that lasted for 1.5 years. The friendships I made, didn't last very long past post college. I guess everyone kind of went on their seperate ways, and we all moved on. I then started life in university, and for the first 2 years, it was good, hung out with certain few ppl, then something happened again, but thankfully I made new good friends, and was close to some other friends who were in the same church. THESE friends that I had made in the last few years were very close and dear to me. I made every single effort that I could (limited as it is) to keep in touch. Emails, phone calls and what not.

More than a year away, I feel already like I'm at home in Halifax, and all my other friends? I've almost lost touch. Supposedly my best friend, and someone I relate very well to, has stopped writing. 10 mths. Yet, everytime I call, I get a promise that I'll get an email soon.
Well, sounds like a sour post, but that isn't what I'm trying to convey. My thoughts exactly is that, in about 7 mths time I'll be leaving Halifax. The friends that I have made here, will soon be a distant memory. No, I don't say this to diss anyone, but seriously, I have no faith in long distance friendships, relationships and what not. Everyone gets to busy, and soon enough, we've all moved on.

Don't we all? I don't know.

I guess sometimes, we all want to feel important. Not to the point that ppl are unable to funcation without me being around, but to some point, to miss me enough to want to share news with me, and send mail or call. Doesn't happen very often with me. I know some of you do it, and I'm really thankful (although I may sometimes sound like I do not welcome your calls, I really do).

I look forward to the day where I can settle in one spot, where all my friends are. Unfortunately, I do not see myself doing that anytime soon.

simple things in life

"It's the simple things in life we forget
You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said
Why do you make something so easy so complicated
Searching for what's right in front of your face
But you can't see it."

---Usher----

Well, my life is not quite like that, but I was thinking about this today, when I managed my first IV without help. Yes, it's pathetic that a 4th year medical student jumps for joy when he puts in an IV successfully, but what can I do? I have not been able to put in successful IV's in the past few attempts. Hopefully in the next 2 weeks, I will be able to do more excellent/awesome/wonderful/top dog IVs in patients. WOo hoo. Then I can jump in the air, skew my body to the side and tap my heels, and go: 'TOP DOG DAT ONE'.

Anyhow, what I mean to say in this post, and I think most of you would get by now is that, it's so easy to miss out simple things like that and not be thankful. [See, I can be thankful ;) ] Just a reminder to myself, to be thankful for all the little things, including every single nook and cranny on my waffle. Haha. Just joking.

one too many things

When the mind is in a blur, and one knows not but to think about himself and his loneliness, what else can he do? He thinks about it day and night.

Yes Bern, get over it. But you of all people know sometimes somethings are not easily gotten over. I don't have to give examples now do I ? ;)

Thanks for the concern and advice, friends. I have come to realise, it's been an integral part of me to be so melancholic, sometimes so much so, it would seem like I'm basking in my own sadness. Sounds really, overdramatic. I guess that's why I sing 'All by myself' so much. Not because I am alone (although, I do feel lonely at times), it's because I overdramatize my sadness. (Or am I?)

Thinking about the past few weeks and thinking about the posts that I wrote, I wonder if I just sometimes enjoy it a little too much, being miserable. Maybe I like self pity. Maybe I like to wallow in self pity. Who knows?

My only explaination is that, I am like that. It's not that I'm proud to be a pessimist, or to sound so depressed. I guess I'm just like that? Can't quite seem to change the dim outlook to life...

Maybe I need to dim sum (dim some... geddit? hahahaha..... *silence*)

:p

when life hands you a lemon

In view of my recent outbursts of rubbish written, I have decided to write more substantial.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Ah, a saying I suspect so famililar to most. When I think of that, or I hear about that, I then respond: Where do I get the juicer? Sugar? Glasses?
You see, I'm always the pessimist, and I find most times, hard to believe my good fortune, and I begin questioning everything else that I have and get.
For instance, getting into 4th year, is so surreal. Am I really here?
Sometimes, I question the things around me.

Problem with this kind of attitude is, sometimes, things can get very very lonely. When you question everything, it's hard to trust people and connecting to people can be on a very superficial basis only. I don't know who is reading my blog, and who will be offended by this statement, but think about it, if I'm your friend, and you mine, how much do we know about each other? Or can we all think about the good times only and how to entertain each other? How much of my friendship is about helping someone when they really need my help? Or vice versa? Or am I a user of people?

Honestly, can someone tell me what they think? I'd really like to know? Am I just some guy who is there when there is fun, or am I one who would stick with his friends through thick and thin? Or, am I a guy, who plainly uses people?

Confession: I feel like I'm selfish, and I use people. That's why, in my deepest sadest moments, no one knows why or what I'm feeling.

Sad, in a twisted way, sometimes, I'm not any more bothered.

moving on

Lately, this is my recurrent theme. LATELY, all I can ever think about is moving on. When I was younger and I had many problems, I used to think, just a few more months and I'm off to the next place.

Obviously, I wasn't the best person to sit down and sort through my problems, and instead of carrying out peace talks to resolve situations, I run. I think, until now, I'm still not far off.

Now faced with uncertainty, all I want to do is to run off to somewhere else and the next phase. It's even weirder when you feel settled but it's time to move on again. I believe in my life, it'll be a long while before I settle and call some place home. Truth is, I don't want to move to another place anymore. The stability of things would be good for my soul.

Where am I going? The fog before my path gives me no certainty, and obviously I am just plain stuck. Lost without a map. One day at a time, perhaps ?