burden

Before I began, I must say, this idea came from Bern Chia (one of my close friends back in M'sia). I must state this, so that I'm not sued for plagiarism. Haha. Or at least, he won't come hounding down my neck about writing the same topic as he did.

Interestingly, after reading his blog, I realised, this one whole year, since I've been here, has been such a weird slow year. I dare say I've regressed, unfortunately, and not quite once the person I used to be back in M'sia. And these days, I feel it's worse than ever. The constant panic of not doing what I'm supposed to do. I feel 'dirty' and 'unworthy', and each day I cry out, " Have I diluted Your grace Lord?".

I call myself "a hypocrite" and "a liar", no longer being able to justify what and why I'm doing certain things.

It's today I realised, I have hardened myself. Stiff necked. Stuborn. Obstinate. Deaf ears. Mule.

The derogatory terms I use on myself. Even yet, I find no release and no forgiveness. I admit, I was made to fly, but I clipped my own wings. I didn't trust that God made me for better things, but trusted in my own strength. My own capabilities. If I did this just that many times....
But now, the feeling of failure dawns upon me. I cannot do anything by myself. My success, my life, my dreams, it's all in God's hands.

It's time to fly.

Phillipians 4:
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

His will, and not mine.

Isaiah 55:
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.