Somedays, I wonder if I can rid myself of hate and unforgiveness. While looking through some pictures, I saw this person which I still till this, regrettably have resentment upon. I know, I should forgive. But some days I find it so hard. Not that this person is anymore in my life to cause anymore grievance and somedays, I wonder if ever am doing the right thing.
The story is unimportant, only to say that, there was one thing that I thought would never happen to me, did, was that I felt very betrayed by a person who I trusted so much in. This ultimately made me the person I am today, unable to trust many ppl to a certain extent. I think, I shut myself from emotions sometimes because I'm so afraid that someone would hurt me. I'd rather not cry, not be hurt. If I'm not close enough to someone, then that person cannot hurt me. What wierd mentatlity, I do agree, but those who have been hurt and feel that they cannot yet forgive, will understand me.
So, where do I go from here? I tell God sometimes how much this person reminds me things that I DO NOT want to remember. Unfortunately, one can only run so far before hitting a dead end again, running blindly as they keep looking behind and end up hitting the wall in front. Am I sometimes too caught up in my past?
My story, my problems, not to undermine it, but is so insignificant. (I mean, compared to those who are being persecuted in China). So, why is it so hard for me to do what I'm supposed to do and move forword victoriously, to live for Christ and carry out His greatest command ?
"Real gold fears no fire".
Am I real gold material ? Time will tell. Time will tell.
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5 comments:
Hey Ian!
I totally know what you mean.. like woahh, haha I felt the same as you when one of my friends talks about some random dude/ chick that I had a bad past with... and I can't forgive too. Yay, we think alike and we both don't know what to do about it? bahaha. Oh well, maybe you should be like me, just nod and smile and keep going :) haha
... yeah.
I get what you mean pleasant boy. I get it. I know it. It's great to hear that from a guy though because it's often unsaid. Like taboo or something. But yeah, there are definitely moments where I wonder, "will I EVER get over this? or will I have this with me forever?" The first sounds too good to be true.
yeah... it's the unfortunate isn't it ? can't run away. it's still here. what to do ? expect a miracle from God and walk out of the boat! :)
I wanted to post a comment a couple of days ago but blogger was going kaputz on me...
anyway... forgiveness is displayed through us when we understand forgiveness given to us. the more I've understood that God's forgiveness was chosen and freely given to me, the more I am compelled to choose forgiveness to others.
like many spiritual disciplines, forgiveness, I've learned, is a choice, not a feeling.
when i chose to not forgive my dad last time, i just brought upon more hurt and pain onto myself. Bitterness and resentment ate at me, screwing up my life.
Then I made a decision, a choice, tht no longer would this area be a door that the devil has a foothold in.
When I finally forgave...everything just..left me. I realised it's pointless to keep holding on to bad memories and experiences. And time..will help you forget..and the greatest Healer of all is only a prayer away. :)
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