the haunting past

I shouldn't be so open about my feelings towards a certain someone, or relating that certain past, but I can't feel a bit nostalgic about a certain something.

My reason being? This whole week, every single night I've been dreaming almost a recurrent theme. Her. Sorry, no names here. To protect that particular person, and of course myself. :)

The current thought that goes through my mind, was on one particular valentine's day not too long ago, when I actually drove up to this hotel to see her, while she was with her family, just to wish her happy valentine's. Mind you, I wasn't going out with her yet, nor were we in a relationship. Well. Actually we never were. However, that particular time, she was adamant that she'll never ever be in a relationship with me. (I must really have that playboy look or something, plus BAD past history with girls).

Well, things did change after that, we did get closer, almost to the point of going into a relationship, but I was getting tired and distant as we got closer. One was mostly, well, I admit it. I can be quite the 'arse' sometimes. Anyhow, there was this whole issue with her and her best friend (who was a guy) which I didn't quite like, and all the things I kind of did to make her equally jealous. Towards the end of that almost 2 year of what I would like to call a 'courtship', we went our seperate ways. Unfortunately. I came to Canada. She didn't. And, things just started to slowly be apart.

We still talk. She still emails. But, I chose not to be in a relationship anymore for the time being, while she wanted to be in a long distant relationship. Totally NO faith in those kind of things. Once again, me being the 'arse', had distant myself. Now? Where are we? I have no idea. Do I regret my actions? Heck yeah. Enough to have recurrent dreams all about it this week. Well, it's all about growing up eh ? Looks like I still have tonnes to do.

*No more should have beens, just what I can do for now*