choosing

First of all, I had to choose between topics. Anyway, instead of writing another whine post about myself, I decided to write about some thoughts, fresh from my mind in the past few days (waitaminute, that's not so fresh now isit?).

Just a recollection of responses, that I get from people when I respond in a certain fashion to certain situations.

"Haha. That's so mean Ian."

"Oh, I'm not mean enough, let's get Ian to call, maybe he can get a better compensation out of this."

Or just the popular stare, and a response that goes like this:
"......"

Yes, all those times I plainly responded that I was merely being blunt, and that was who I was. I like being truthful, and sometimes, it irks me so much that I cannot swallow it. Pride? Perhaps, but honestly, I do like to speak what's off my mind. Of course not in all situations, especially when I know I can't worm my way out of it. But sometimes, I'm less careful with matters, and I let it slip off my tongue.
SOMETIMES, I can feel it coming from the back of my head, like a small cloud rising from the horizon, brewing into a storm. Or something to that extent.

Honestly, with comments like those coming up, I don't think it's so cool anymore to respond the way I do. But to keep quiet or say something some other way, feels like a lie to me. I guess matters can be put more delicately, and not as harsh. Or can it?

seperation

After reading a friend's blog (yes, Deb, it's yours), I had started thinking about my own life and my friendships. In the past few years, wherever I've been have not been for very long.

Initially, when iw as about to leave highschool, I was pleased to be able to move on (bad experience, what else) as I really wanted to start fresh and go to the capital. The city, the lights. I was like a moth attracted to the flames. Haha.
I started college in KL, and that lasted for 1.5 years. The friendships I made, didn't last very long past post college. I guess everyone kind of went on their seperate ways, and we all moved on. I then started life in university, and for the first 2 years, it was good, hung out with certain few ppl, then something happened again, but thankfully I made new good friends, and was close to some other friends who were in the same church. THESE friends that I had made in the last few years were very close and dear to me. I made every single effort that I could (limited as it is) to keep in touch. Emails, phone calls and what not.

More than a year away, I feel already like I'm at home in Halifax, and all my other friends? I've almost lost touch. Supposedly my best friend, and someone I relate very well to, has stopped writing. 10 mths. Yet, everytime I call, I get a promise that I'll get an email soon.
Well, sounds like a sour post, but that isn't what I'm trying to convey. My thoughts exactly is that, in about 7 mths time I'll be leaving Halifax. The friends that I have made here, will soon be a distant memory. No, I don't say this to diss anyone, but seriously, I have no faith in long distance friendships, relationships and what not. Everyone gets to busy, and soon enough, we've all moved on.

Don't we all? I don't know.

I guess sometimes, we all want to feel important. Not to the point that ppl are unable to funcation without me being around, but to some point, to miss me enough to want to share news with me, and send mail or call. Doesn't happen very often with me. I know some of you do it, and I'm really thankful (although I may sometimes sound like I do not welcome your calls, I really do).

I look forward to the day where I can settle in one spot, where all my friends are. Unfortunately, I do not see myself doing that anytime soon.

simple things in life

"It's the simple things in life we forget
You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said
Why do you make something so easy so complicated
Searching for what's right in front of your face
But you can't see it."

---Usher----

Well, my life is not quite like that, but I was thinking about this today, when I managed my first IV without help. Yes, it's pathetic that a 4th year medical student jumps for joy when he puts in an IV successfully, but what can I do? I have not been able to put in successful IV's in the past few attempts. Hopefully in the next 2 weeks, I will be able to do more excellent/awesome/wonderful/top dog IVs in patients. WOo hoo. Then I can jump in the air, skew my body to the side and tap my heels, and go: 'TOP DOG DAT ONE'.

Anyhow, what I mean to say in this post, and I think most of you would get by now is that, it's so easy to miss out simple things like that and not be thankful. [See, I can be thankful ;) ] Just a reminder to myself, to be thankful for all the little things, including every single nook and cranny on my waffle. Haha. Just joking.

one too many things

When the mind is in a blur, and one knows not but to think about himself and his loneliness, what else can he do? He thinks about it day and night.

Yes Bern, get over it. But you of all people know sometimes somethings are not easily gotten over. I don't have to give examples now do I ? ;)

Thanks for the concern and advice, friends. I have come to realise, it's been an integral part of me to be so melancholic, sometimes so much so, it would seem like I'm basking in my own sadness. Sounds really, overdramatic. I guess that's why I sing 'All by myself' so much. Not because I am alone (although, I do feel lonely at times), it's because I overdramatize my sadness. (Or am I?)

Thinking about the past few weeks and thinking about the posts that I wrote, I wonder if I just sometimes enjoy it a little too much, being miserable. Maybe I like self pity. Maybe I like to wallow in self pity. Who knows?

My only explaination is that, I am like that. It's not that I'm proud to be a pessimist, or to sound so depressed. I guess I'm just like that? Can't quite seem to change the dim outlook to life...

Maybe I need to dim sum (dim some... geddit? hahahaha..... *silence*)

:p

when life hands you a lemon

In view of my recent outbursts of rubbish written, I have decided to write more substantial.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Ah, a saying I suspect so famililar to most. When I think of that, or I hear about that, I then respond: Where do I get the juicer? Sugar? Glasses?
You see, I'm always the pessimist, and I find most times, hard to believe my good fortune, and I begin questioning everything else that I have and get.
For instance, getting into 4th year, is so surreal. Am I really here?
Sometimes, I question the things around me.

Problem with this kind of attitude is, sometimes, things can get very very lonely. When you question everything, it's hard to trust people and connecting to people can be on a very superficial basis only. I don't know who is reading my blog, and who will be offended by this statement, but think about it, if I'm your friend, and you mine, how much do we know about each other? Or can we all think about the good times only and how to entertain each other? How much of my friendship is about helping someone when they really need my help? Or vice versa? Or am I a user of people?

Honestly, can someone tell me what they think? I'd really like to know? Am I just some guy who is there when there is fun, or am I one who would stick with his friends through thick and thin? Or, am I a guy, who plainly uses people?

Confession: I feel like I'm selfish, and I use people. That's why, in my deepest sadest moments, no one knows why or what I'm feeling.

Sad, in a twisted way, sometimes, I'm not any more bothered.

moving on

Lately, this is my recurrent theme. LATELY, all I can ever think about is moving on. When I was younger and I had many problems, I used to think, just a few more months and I'm off to the next place.

Obviously, I wasn't the best person to sit down and sort through my problems, and instead of carrying out peace talks to resolve situations, I run. I think, until now, I'm still not far off.

Now faced with uncertainty, all I want to do is to run off to somewhere else and the next phase. It's even weirder when you feel settled but it's time to move on again. I believe in my life, it'll be a long while before I settle and call some place home. Truth is, I don't want to move to another place anymore. The stability of things would be good for my soul.

Where am I going? The fog before my path gives me no certainty, and obviously I am just plain stuck. Lost without a map. One day at a time, perhaps ?

lately

Lately, there so many streams of thoughts in my mind, I feel like it's time to shut it down. That's unfortunate, because it seems like I'm getting very selfish. Getting worldly as per many ppl. I feel like I want to do the things I want to do, and not what other people want me to do.

The steep moral decline.

Seriously, remind me again, why I have to do certain things. I mean, yeah be nice, do good. But we all know, and I think I've said this so many times, it's like a tattoo in my brain, that's God's right, and worldly standards, basically.

Where do I stand? I have no idea.

Yeap, the moral decline.

Somewhat, my stands on not drinking alcohol has somewhat eroded. I've started drinking wine. And I keep wanting to try more, just to know. Be a wine snob. Be able to tell one from the other.

Be nice? Sure. Depends who it is. Be generally nice, but mutter under your breath when you are unhappy. (Well, not quite yet actually.)
The unforunate-ness of being nice, being taken advantage. So sick of that. How much more can I tolerate? NO idea.

My choices, my ideas. My pathway. The problem is the word 'my'. It's become more and more 'all about me'.

No, this is not a sympathy post. Just me merely expressing thyself.

a new phase in life

It's the new phase. It's 4th year. Although I still have to meet the unit head in regards to my marks, it's basically 4th year. I cannot thank God enough. No more days of worrying, no more days of cursing myself for making silly mistakes. I'm learning. Truely I am, from making stupid diagnosis.

All I can think about now, is getting a job, and giving some back to my parents. They have indeed given me much. Of course, my sister too (because she is reading this :p KIDDING!). Honestly, I would like to make enough money to have my parents live comfortably. Yes, it's weird. I don't know where I get this strong sense of filial peity, but all I can say is that, God would want me to honor my parents. That's why everytime I hear about the elderly being sent to a home, I think to myself, how can people do that? Just a different culture eh ?

Now that I have so much of my mind, I think about everything else. The other thing on my mind is, the news today.
1) There are so many killings in schools.
2) So many sexual offences, and different kinds too.

Does it sound familiar? Like Sodom and Gomorrah?

Right. Sorry. As you can see, passing exams, make me skip from one topic to another.



OH NO! Flight of thoughts! :p

I am officially a fourth year medical student

Yes. Thank God. God is awesome. God is my provider. Thank God.
I passed my exam. A marginal pass, but still a pass. Thank God.
Thanks to all who prayed and believed in me more than I did in myself.

in a sea of milk

Ah. Another post call day. Today, I had to go to another hospital and came back by bus. Saint John actually has some nice spots. King's square is pretty nice. Nice park anyways.
Bus went from stop to stop, and as always, it was interesting to be on the bus. Different types of characters and what not on the bus. Funny, quirky, interesting and sometimes rude. Finally, it came to the bus stop where there were SO MANY chinses ppl. Suddenly the bus was crowded with custard(?!), okay, I meant yellow people. I felt so out of place. Weird isn't it?

Me, being a chinese felt weird being among chinese. I felt so out of place, I felt like a foreigner! Crap. It only means that I'm SO used to living in this country, I have totally forgotten about other colored skin ppl besides white and black. Seriously. It's so rare to see yellow (or at least HUGE amounts of yellow). I think I've come to the point where I think I'm white. Yikes.

The custard that turned to milk! :p

another day another blog, more garbage

Another day, another blog.
I sit down today and once again, I contemplate. I contemplate about what I'm doing, and I contemplate about the people around me.
Yes. The people around me.

I do question sometimes, what makes christians different from others? If I am a christian, how am I different from the next person?
Honestly, sometimes, as heart wrecking as this sounds, I see no difference.

When I need help, both help me, christian and non-christian. (True friends of course).
When I need advice, both sit down and talk to me and give me advice. (Of course one is Godly, and one is more worldly).

There is one difference though that I see. When I make a decision (albeit wrong sometimes), there are people who insists on the opposite. Why? Even if it's not spoken,
I can tell sometimes, some people are just not happy with the decision that I make.
Okay, okay. I admit, I can be foolish sometimes, but talk to me and not behind me.
That is my pet peeve.

Having said all these, I am no better unfortunately. Another scoundrel that does exactly the same. Am I worthy to be called a christian?

Because I certainly don't act like one at the best of times.

decisions

*WARNING: Rant included in entry*

Ah decisions. Now in the midst of deciding everything, why are some of my choices being questioned? When suggestions are given, are they meant to be followed? Why are some people so persistent that their way be followed and not the person's decision respected? Am I missing out on some part of the picture? Some people not telling me the honest truth? I don't know. Am I just part guessing on what's going on?

SOMEHOW, I really really feel, that sometimes, I am to obey other people's decision and mine is not to be honored.

WHY?

I have no idea.

No questions, just orders, or hopes that someone would do something according to what you wanted them to. Am I also doing that ?

omens

I don't really believe in omens, but when I first was going to leave for Saint John, it seemed very much that it wasn't meant to be, or maybe that it was not going to be easy. First of all, I had to take the bus (yes yes, overdramatization) which was 7.5 hours in journey. Not something I look forward to especially if one is driving, it'll take about 4-5 hours. Sitting in the bus and all alone. Nice.
Then, while I was in Saint John, I arrived, thinking, yes, I'm finally in Saint John. Will be able to get some rest in a nice bed in an okay apartment, but nooooooo.... guess what? The admin people forgot to put my package which included my keys to the apt. So, for the night, I had to sleep in the ever welcoming call rooms. Plus side was I got to at least watch tv and meet some ppl I know. However, I could not shower as I did not want to pack and unpack, knowing that I will be able to move into the apts in the morning. At least, I had a good night's sleep.
The story goes on. As I report for my surgery elective, the lady at the dept was like, " Oh, I thought you were coming for another date, but it's all okay, I'll get it all arranged."
Oh oh, another round of GUESS WHAT?. Guess what?

"We're short today, is it okay if you took this as your reading day?"

!!!

"Okay, no problem." Since I had to brush up on my surgery knowledge anyway.

Well, the day passed by, and I decided to walk to Superstore to get some groceries for the next 2 weeks. 30 minute walk. I'm such an IDIOT . I could have taken the bus and saved my 1 hour of walk. Ha ha. Not the best of my ideas.
On the way home, this boy just ran up to me and started talking to me, asking me about what I do etc. When I told him I was working in the hospital, he asked me all sorts of questions. I found that to be really weird. Wasn't the kid worried about kidnapping? Or is it because Canada is so safe?

That last bit, about the kid, felt like an omen. Or God telling me something.

Everytime I walk, I think a lot, maybe God sent someone to distract me from my thoughts. I don't know. What do you people think?

.... yes, another random blog. :)

another day gone

Another day gone and I don't know what I've been up to. Haha. Just time and money wasting. Although, I must say that I got my temporary driver's license today. I'm going around to bug ppl to let me drive their car so I can practice until I go for my driver's exam. I did my written exam today, and let's just say... I almost failed. That's for deciding impulsively to read the book for one hour then take the exam. Yikes.

So those of you who have cars, pls let me drive your car with you in (while you squirm in your seat everytime I take the turn or accelerate the pedal..haha, kidding!) so that I may practice. Thanks! :)

difficult positions

We all at one point of time or rather, will encounter a difficult position. The crossroads some may say. This may or may not be that big of a cross road, but for the sake of friendship, I will say it is a big crossroad.

Ah. Decisions. Which decisions to make that will be right? Can one truly choose a path that is pleasing to all? Can we do things to please our friends and at the same time look correct in the eyes of ppl? Can we do as we say we want to do, and not just do the things we think is right, but say something else? Somewhere along the way, one of these will happen. I admit, I myself do it too. No excuses (though I have a dozen).

The answer to all this, which I have to thoroughly remind myself is, the only person I should think of pleasing is God. What I do, should only be right before God's eyes. Not that I'm saying to h*** with everyone, but I'm saying, put God first and everything follows.

"But seek first His kingddom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Matthew 6:33

Someone once told me, as a student, I am like nomad. I move from place to place and set up camp. But in each place, whether I make that place just a temporary home, and in that temporal moment, I do things for the sake of just surviving, it is meaningless and in all things, one should be more like Abraham who set up a place of worship in every place that he stopped.

So, I should make my decisions based more on a more permanent basis. In every place that I go, I need to do the purpose of God and do things that will be an act of worship to Him. My decisions, in everything, need to be pleasing to God.

leaving a sour taste in one's mouth

Yes, it's like learning a new phrase. Only, I already know this one, I'm just using it more today.

I'm talking about certain things in particular, but for the first time, this will not be a rant. I just thought it might be interesting to discuss this particular issue about resovling certain issues or even to begin with, just discussing certain issues.

How do we put things delicate enough that we don't hurt someone's feelings, or not too badly that it leaves a sour taste in one's mouth after the conversation. Do we push for something we want or do we be so soft and non demanding about things, and get run over? Or do we say something and be firm about it and let our friendship go into pieces? Or will it. I don't know.

pre exam state

The pre exam state. Stressed and worried. Well. I'm not that stressed actually. I have this strange feeling of calmness that God is in control. Just hope I don't start panicking in the morning. Haha.

I am however sick, my brothers and sisters. I have a runny nose and a cough. I think I caught it off my classmate. I'm not at my best. I do wonder if the Tylenol Cold ( acetaminophen with pseudoephedrine and dextametrophan) is somewhat making me high. Maybe not. But anyhow, if any of you read this by Sept 14, 12 noon Halifax time, please remember me in your prayers as I embark on my OSCE exam and will be taking my MCQ exam on Sat, Sept 16 at 9am. Thanks peeps. I appreciate it.
God bless.

the calm before the storm

As above. Just 3 more days. I am not prepared. Certainly, not confident. But what can I do. Procrastination and my constant malaise, has just made no room for time to study. Yes. It reminds of Christ's disciples before Jesus was arrested. Sleepy and not on guard. And why am I blogging when I should be studying?

For one, it is Sunday, and I'm supposed to be in church, praying extra hard that I pass my exams. *snigger* No. Just want to be in God's presence that's all.
But, I am in the hospital. Cause I'm on call. On emerge call. Busy call usually. Meaning no sleep today, and tired tmrw. Not a good sign at all. So after rounding on all my patients today, I thought I'd just quickly check on some things, and then, blog, and then go down to the library to study.

Preparing for the exams and thinking about my future ahead, with electives not quite totally set up yet, (3 weeks short), and so much uncertainty to where I'm going, it's certainly made me think, what does God want me to do. Timely enough, I was reading cnn.com (yes, I follow news), and there was this article about certain churches preaeching, that God wants to bless you now and you don't have to wait till you get to heaven. When I mean bless, I meant, with riches.

That is ridiculous. While it's nice to be rich, I think the ultimate blessing is to know that God is pleased with you.

It was quoted in the article, John 10:10. For all those who don't know, John 10:10 states, "The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; but I (Christ) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." In other words, to give us life more abundantly. And this was interpreted as riches on earth.

My dear friends, all I can say is this, and as funny as it may sound, when the clock is ticking, and you know you are almost at wits end because you haven't finished studying for your exams, you'll start asking yourself, what's more important?, your career or your life mission. UNLESS of course, it is intertwined.
But today, if you have the time, sit and think, and try to put into perspective, what's really important in your life: God or other things that could be false idols?

just 1 more week

As the title says, I have one more week. One more week to be able to diagnose and manage almost every common disease that there is to mankind. Right. Panic stricken? You betcha.
Wet my pants? So many times, it's a constant kiddie pool in there. (Pool and kids geddit?... hahahahaha..... )

Seriously, all said and done, I haven't had anytime to study at all. I'm tired most days, and whatever I read doesn't seem to stay in my head.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling dooowwwwnnnnn.... will you pleaaasseee pleaaasseee help meeeeee

RIght. Exam syndrome. WHeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

tired

Just 1.5 more weeks. Tired. Yet need to study. Need to push on. Hope I last. And not fade. No computer. Just me, my guitar and my ipod. Time to study.

frustrated... yet again

This is a quick message to everyone, I won't be online for the next 2 weeks. I guess it's a good time to prepare for my exams. My computer broke down. Yes, my faithful mac. Died, after only 2 years of service. Before all you mac haters say anything else, I'd like to clarify, never leave your laptop on for hours and hours if you are not using it. It's not a computer. Turn it off. Today when I came back to check some things online before running errands, I discovered that my faithful computer had died. Yes. Died. No warning, no slowing down. Just sudden death. I guess it's better this way, than to have to antcipate daily for my cmoputer to work. So yes. Email me if you want guys/girls. I won't be able to talk to any of you for a while. Hopefully I'll get studying done then in the next 2 weeks. My last stretch.

Sniff. Goodbye faithful white mac. You shall be remembered.

limbo

"There are people who don't know Christ yet, and they are on the throne, and by faith, when they accept Christ, Christ is on the throne."
"But then there are those, who after accepting Christ, still sit on the throne. And this people are the ones who are caught in between. Not quite like the world because they know doing certain are wrong, but at the same time, their not quite christians, because Christ is not on their throne."

How true is that? Very. For me. I am like that second group. It's weird when someone says something and it rings so true. That is when you know you are heading the wrong way. I am that person, who started thinking about self again first before Christ, and wanted to join the world, but could not, because I knew some of the things were wrong. I guess it's hard to turn your back on the truth once you know it. It's hard for someone to convince you that 2+2 is not 4, because all your life you know that it is a fact that 2+2=4. To be in this position, is to be in limbo. Neither here nor there. It reminds me very much of the passage in revelations about the church of Loadicea.

Rev3:
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."

It's time to turn the tides and ask for forgiveness, hail Christ as king on the throne of my life. By faith.

Hebrews 11:
6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

"Faith is not something magical. Faith is doing things despite not knowing what may happen. Faith is doing things for God although you do not see Him, but yet you believe in HIm."

That was a good reminder of something I once thought i knew. Thanks Josh. I appreciate the talk we had. What was once hazy, is now clear.

goodbye my friend

Goodbye my friend. The one who did what was right in light of the perspectives of evil. Goodbye Mr Nice. It was nice knowing you. You made such an impact in my life, told me what was just, and to look towards eternity and not the 'now'.
But this friendship, this friendship could not hold me back. I can no longer associate with your purity.
For what is evil cannot be mixed with good. Not that I will do evil, but I find myself no longer capable of good. For what is the use of good if it is returned with evil. Only God hears my pleas, but yet it still happens.
I'm sorry my friend. You were good, but I no longer can be your friend. You were good to me, but all others were not. What good is selflessness, when you keep losing. Like the small little cut, it first loses a little blood. But more cuts, more trickling of blood, is not only irritating, it's draining. And today, I say, it is enough.

u know u are... part 2

You know you can join fear factor and win, when you eat your cereal and you find that there's a roach floating in it. In all truth, I should NOT have eaten it, because when i first poured the cereal, a raoch jumped out. But, not wanting to waste the cereal, plus i didn't really have anything else to eat, I continued eating. First thing I noticed was that the cereal was soft, prob due to the one month of being opened and not touched. Then there were some crunchy bits (!!!???). Getting a little paranoid, I started looking into my bowl of cereal for signs of life. Alas, poor Mr Brownthing was dead and floating in my milk.
!!!!!

COugh cOuGh.. VomIT!

That was then, when I knew my apt was infested with cockroaches.
Oh wait. I already knew that.

u know u are...

You know you are really good at killing roaches when you've killed about 15 in one night alone. There may be even more. I don't know. My point is, there's just too many roaches in my apt, and there are only two hands of mine. I cannot keep killing these roaches, or can I ?

I've tried my best today to clean my apt, it's still in a mess. I no longer want to make more effort than I have to. I have thrown out the rubbish (not mine), send stuff to recycle (some are mine) and cleaned a little around the kitchen. Heck, if I feel generous, I'll do some more tmrw. But, in all honesty, I cannot wait to have my own apt one day, where I keep it clean and no one else can make a mess. It's simple.

Right now? I'll just keep killing roaches. The roaches just will have to tell their extended family members, that papa roach is sleeping with the fishes tonight, kepish?

Time to celebrate by going to bed. ZZZ

poor

The man woke up from his make shift bed of cardboxes and newspapers. Waking each morning didn't make a difference. There was nothing in the world he looked forward to. Disheveled, with the smell of heavy body odour mixed with dirt and garbage, people shot him looks as he walked the sidewalks of town.

Today was another day, he would go around collecting garbage cans and any recyclables he could find. That would mean digging up from bins along the way, and having the risk of being chased away by some shop keepers. They were not nice people and sometimes shooed him as if he was a dirty dog. Such was life for him. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. He was just living day by day, hoping that he'll make it through the next.

As he walked through the streets that morning, he passed by this building. This ashen gray building. Old and dusty. He noticed something different that morning. He usually passed it without much care, but today, something was really different. He stopped, he looked and finally it hit him. There was music. Soft at first, but more and more voices couuld be heard in unison. The voices were not only melodious, they were joyous!

"What could make so many people happy?" he muttered under his breath.

Was it a wedding? A party? What was so familiar about the singing, and yet he couldn't put a finger to it?

Curiousity got the better out of him and he approached the building. The voices were clearer now, but he still couldn't quite decipher the music and the words.

Should he open the door? Should he peek inside? What if someone were to come out and chase him with a broom. It's happened before. But to leave now, would leave him in curiousity for the rest of the day.

It wouldn't hurt. What's another broom to the head or another shrill scream?

He pushed the door, made it slightly ajar, just enough to peek through, and through that tiny little hole, he saw people singing. They were all dressed up. Happy singing songs. Something inside of him felt different. It was not the singing or the dressing that stirred something inside him. It was their faces. The serenity of it all spoke so much about a tired week, and finally getting relief. They were calm, happy eventhough some had tears down their cheeks.

He had been here before. Somehow. He couldn't remember. He wanted so badly to join them, but at the same time, he was so conscious about his appearance. He was dirty. Smelly. Which clean person in a suit would want to associate with him?
Never had he felt so ashamed. He knew then, he had lost himself all this years.

The question was, is it too late now ?

the dream

Doctor, pressure is dropping to 60. Pulse is weak. O2 sats are down to 60%.

Quick two large bore IVs. Bolus 1L and start a regular IV of NS at 150ml/h. Change the nasal prongs to a face mask.
Are the pressors ready?


20 mins later...
Heart rate is at 72. BP at 100/70. Sats are up to 88%.

Alright. Good job team. Send him to the ICU with the RT.

--

Can I say conceited? Haha. Yes, I can. But a dream like this, being able to save lives, may be to much of a day dream and far too unrealistic, this, I can safely say is why I want to do medicine. I agree that aside from emerge docs, this is rare for more other docs.

But hey, what is life without dreams, goals and aspirations. We need something to push us forward daily. This is my encouragement for now. Looking forward and pushing towards this goal.

You know, I'm not ALL that conceited. Fortunately, I decided to save everyone the breath of muttering that I am conceited, SS (M'sian terminology) or perasan (another one), by not adding in parts like: and the handsome doctor bursts throught the doors or lines like, saaving lives.

Hahaha. ;)

stressed out

Ahh. Never in my life have I waited for a weekend like this. A weekend to break away from work and some books. Well. At least just for today.

An apartment all to myself and friends working or roommie going golfing for the weekend. No car to distract me from going out, no activities to do but stay home, relax and study.


Wait.
How is that supposedly good?

I have no idea.

As you can see, my blogs these days are mostly whine posts and nothing else. I'm sorry. I must apologize. It's that time of the year where I groan louder than the wolves howl at night.

*Too much work. GROAN*
*GR-GR- GROOOOOOOAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN*

'Scuse me a minute while I scratch behind my ear.

where am i going?

I am truly confused. In the midst of all the work, studies and trying to make appointments for things, to missing home and family and friends, I'm uncertain where I'm going.

When you are tired, you go to sleep.
When you are hungry, you eat.
When you are dirty, you shower.
When you are bored, you find activities to do.
When you are lonely, you call your friends out.
When you feel it's too quiet, you turn the tv or the radio on.
When you feel like it's time for some music, you put your favorite tunes on.
BUT, when you are lost in life, what do you do ?

Obviously as a christian, you turn back to God.

To know that one needs God is just head knowledge. How do you implant it in the heart so that it'll always be there? Or are we humans so forgetful that we need constant reminders and challenges to remind us how much we need God ?
How desperate we are for Him and not vice versa?
Why oh why are we so blinded by the fact that it's that way?
Why do we procrastinate and say, there is time later? Or better yet, I don't have time now, I'm too busy?
Is God that unimportant to us that we leave Him for the last bits?
Imagine if God say, well, there's lots of time to love you, I'll leave that till the end, left us out in the cold and dark world.

I am so truly unworthy of His love, yet He is still there.
The shepherd that waits for that abandons all other sheeps just to look for that one sheep. Each time. Never angry. Always patient.

Aahh. If only.

If only it could sink into my heart, and remain there forever.

another random blog

3.5 years of med school (4 if you want to count the 6 months of holidays I had while waiting to come abroad), and here I am. Devoid of most of my basic medical science, fighting to remember my clinical sciences, and what to do best once I figure out, the diagnosis for the patient. Now, I blame myself for such small brain, and the inability to store all the information I would like.

But that, is certainly beside the point isn't it? If I am able to diagnose correctly and treat accordingly, doing no harm in the process, I should be happy, or should I?

After a whole day of just snoozing (no idea as to why I'm so tired and am requiring more and more sleep this days - depression? haha), I find myself way behind schedule and unable to remember a lot of things I have supposedly studied.

I have no idea where this blog is going. Perhaps this one is my venting point. I remember waking up a few times and attempting to study today, but concentration evaded me, and sleep beckoned. And like the song of the siren that led sailors to their doom, I feel sleep is my end. So frustrated with myself, I went to work out to throughly channel all my distractions through the workout. It kinda worked out. I did a good few hours and here I am, at the end of my day, writing this down, before I go to sleep again.

I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I feel more at edge. Is it because I'm unable to study? Or is it just plain old me coming back? The worst fear I have, is I've forgotten my purpose.

To study to treat patients, or to study to pass my exams. One without the other is a failure. Which way do I go?

the lover

In the calm of the evening
There you were
You never left
Just now, I see
When all has calmed
And all is quiet
You never stayed for the riches
You never wanted anything else
Just me
My passionate love for you

And when I turned my head away
You were never in dismay
Instead
You waited for my return
Every single day
You hoped that someday
I would walk back to you

You never demanded
You never chided
Of my absence
Instead, you commemerated
Each one of my presence there with you
And I could see, that I would always be
THe apple of your eye
No matter what wrong I've done

Thank you
Thank you for your love
Truely
Lord, YOU are the lover of my soul

a stewart of love

As usual, I waste my time watching tv. I'm toning down though. So that's improving. Hope not to watch tv this week at all. Or at least, not more than 3 hours if possible.
Well, that's not the topic that I was going to blog aobut today. I was watching A Walk to Remember yesterday (yes, I did), and I thought it had some good lessons and some interesting bits in it.

Lesson no 1: MAN O MAN, it's RARE to find someone like Mandy Moore's character in the movie. Someone so planted in God. Is there such a person? That girl had everything... brains beauty looks, a great singing voice...

Stop.

I'm going astray again. TV's making my concentration really poor.
What I really want to talk about, is the chapter in Corinthians about love. I'm sure almost all of you know what I'm talking about.

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no records of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The beautiful thing about it, is that it's not just for love in a relationship. It's love for everyone.
Love is patient- no matter how irritating someone can be, love should overcome this.
It keeps no records of wrongs- my sins outweigh much more than any silly mistake a friend can do. Yet I am forgiven and I am loved.
Always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.

It's the same for father and son. Wife and husband, Brother and brother. Between friends. Same with lovers.

Hmm... this post may make no sense. I guess all i'm trying to say, is that, I can do better with people. Peace.

the true self appears

After so long of being the good guy, I sometimes wonder is it all worth it?
Folllowing the rules and doing what is right, I think I've lost the perspective of eternity some days.

When you do what is right, and ppl diss u for it. Man. Sometimes, it makes me feel like such a loser for doing what is right. Obviously, I've lost my perspective and I end up comparing, what ppl do with what I do, and I ask myself, is it worth doing what is right.

Some one give me a quick reminder pls? I think I left my brain somewhere.

blame it all on yourself

When things go awry, I tend to blame myself. I tend to say: Why did I do a certain something when I knew I could have avoided it. This time, I don't know what to think any longer.

Yes. I'm back talking about friendships. When everyone else seems to be so content with where they are with their friends, I am not. I've not only lost touch with most ppl, but I really don't think I know them anymore. It's the same thing over again. And now I question, is it really my doing?

Every single time I move on to a new place, the old friends just to somewhat disappear. It's either I'm not a great friend that nobody tries THAT hard to preserve a friendship with me, or that I'm just ignoring all the signs? I don't get, and I don't know how. I've come to discover, I'm really like a nomad, travelling place to place, getting to know ppl, but as soon as I leave, I dust off the dirt of the place of my shoes, and the ppl purge their house of my presence.

I get. Everyone's busy right? Everyone's got their own thing right? But is it so hard to get an email? I guess it is. I give up. If not for someone having to warn others about what I feel, no one will ever know, not even the one I call my closest friend. I get it. It's my poor effort right? I'm not understanding enough right?

Boy... keep this up, and I'll soon sink into depression.

I am not a nerd. phew

What does this mean? Your nerdiness is:

Not nerdy, but definitely not hip.

being christian

A lot of ppl have this misconception: to be christian, you would have to be good, or else you can't be christian.

How would any one of you read that? I want to begin by saying, christians are humans too. They make mistakes. And the whole point about being christian, is not about being perfect, but it's learning to be more and more Christ like.
It means, we make mistakes now. WE will make mistakes, probably later too.

That's why, we have God's saving grace. We DO NOT save ourselves, but God does. Christ died for all of us, for our sins. And because of that, because of God's abundant grace, we are saved.

By me saying this, I don't mean to say that it is alright for us to continue making mistakes. At some point or rather, we have to change to. Just that, it's sad to see how many non christians nit pick every single mistake a christian does. It is given that the christian should be an example, light and salt to his/her friends, BUT christians are still humans.

To err is human, but to not learn from your mistakes- is to be ignorant.

the end of an era

the end of an era
the time has come
to stay is still an option
but why stay
when you can go
leave for greener pastures

what is done
has already passed
no use looking back
no use crying over it

the beginning comes to an end
an abrupt halt
if you weren't looking
all is gone in a split second
or at least it feels like this

don't forget the little things
don't forget the big things
lest not you appreciate this
it goes
gone with the wind
like the flame that dies with the wind

it
is gone

consumerism

Are you a consumer?
Do you find yourself buying clothes that define 'your sense of style'?
Are you finding yourself buying more products in line with 'your lifestyle'?
Are you known to buy a certain line of clothing, brand, product?
For instance, are you a mac user or a pc user?
Are you a rocker, a hip hopper, or punk rock, or even a jazz person?
Do you find yourself often saying, X brand is the best, I will only use this?

My last question:
Are you known for what you buy? Or are you known for your personality?

If the answers to most of the questions are yes, and you are known for the things you buy, you are a consumer.
I was reading an article on this and it is interesting. We have become a consumer generation. We are non longer known for out values but know by people for the things we wear, the music we listen to, or perhaps even by the amount we buy.

What's even more sad is that, most of us (christians included of course), we think more about what we are to wear tmrw, or what's the next gadget one can buy, or the latest album or book out in the stores soon. What happened to being known as a person with values? It still exists. I know. It's not completely wiped out, but take a moment to reflect, and I trust you too will find that that it mostly true. We are consumers.

AND when we go to church, we consume. We want to be blessed by God. We want gains, promises, riches, blessings, company. How many can sincerely say that they go to church to purely worship and bring glory to God? I know I can't. I'm as guilty as the coal is black. Time to go back to the basics eh?

to be the bigger person ?

Today, after speaking with someone today, I totally got irked and said good bye to that person, never wanting to speak to that person ever again. If you are that person reading this now, I'm sorry, I still don't have the patience to talk to you.

Yes. I'm angry. I'm flustered. I'm boiling. I'm peeved. I'm whatever words you want to insert to say, I'm not just the least bit angry, but I'm FURIOUS.

This was a guy, that I should be a good example to, but today, I couldn't. I lost it. I lost it because I felt that this particular person was being testy. Being beyond saucy. Just plain rude and inconsiderate. Look, if my intentions were to help you, were a bit too blunt with the words, I'm apologize, but to go as far as saying something which shows how much you know me, really peeved me.

Yes. I was called an American worshipper. WHERE IN THE WORLD DID THAT COME FROM? The guy who supports England in soccer (and even that was made fun of), is called an American worshipper? WOW.

$%%*%^*&^%*&^... yes put in your own obscenities there.

Regretfully, I no longer want to be an example for this particular person. I cannot. I feel that this person is JUST testing my limits. And today, those boundaries exist no more. From now on, you can say what you want, do as you please. It will have no more effect on me anymore, because I feel, it's too much to have expectations for you.

As hurting as this is to say, I have zero expectations for you. Do as you please. Insult as you want. Hit and run me over with a truck. It's okay. When there's no expectations, you won't feel betrayed, you won't feel insulted, you won't be angry.

Peace.

the dark night

Twang. Bang bang. Bang. Twang.

Gunshots in the night. Need to cover from fire. Have to hide. Why are this people shooting at me? What do I have that they want ? There's no reason to kill me. What does George Bush have against me?
I'm not safe here. Please let me go. I'll be better at home. I don't trust anyone here.

In the dark, only sounds could be heard. When the lights are off, and the night creeps into the room, the sounds, the sounds. they come again. Night after night. Sleepless nights of worry and anxiety.

I'M NOT CRAZY. I've not lost my marbles. Everything was good at home. It's just turning worse here. I know they are trying to poison me through the food. I won't eat I tell you.


The above is an account of how a person, turning 90++, is losing their mind. Not figuratively. Literally losing their mind. The wits get dulled, the memory dimmed, and more and more, they are amnestic. Child like.

Lost of cognition skills.

Inability to function.

Like the dark dark night, it comes, and all that was once seen in light, is consumed in the black matter.

Dementia is like that dark dark night. When one no longer sees, no longer knows, no longer is able to differentiate..
The decline of oneself, dementia is truly like the dark night.

this is our world

THis is our world. God's creation.
Beauty that was made,
None can compare,
Breath taking, jaw dropping,
Incomprehensible,
Totally desirable.
God's love for us. THis planet.
Our home.

It's a youtube day :)

speechless

If I could find a woman that sings like that, I'm kissing her feet...

appreciation

Do we appreciate things a little too late? Do we only cherish good times and close ties, only when it's all gone ?
To ejoy it at that moment but not appreciate it, that's common is it not?

This blog is pretty much me thinking out aloud. Initially I was angry at a friend for not really keeping in touch with me. Just MSN. No mail no calls. Nothing. From being close to this person, I felt that we drifted apart, soon each having their own priorities and this particular friendship wasn't too high on the list. And there it was. Gone like the wind. Talking to this friend was now no different talking to any other ppl online. The connection had been lost.

I am upset.

Was it my fault? My friend's fault? Or the distance in between. I understand the pretense of having more work, more priorities, but it also comes to show that, this friendship had dropped low in the priority bar. I don't know. Maybe I'm a sour grape. Maybe I'm a bitter gourd. Whatever it is. I am deeply saddened it has come to this point.

Looks like it's time to move on. We all have our priorities right? Time to get mine straight.

just too good to pass

are we so numb?

Are we so numb? Numb to the fact that this world is so diseased ? That people not only live and die, but suffer from ailments that cannot be cured? Once in a while we are awed by disasters of great propensity, but the ones that which are smaller, we tend to let it be wiped off our minds. True. We cannot store and live in lives full of grief, but without crisis like this, we never learn.

Seeing an Alzheimer's patient really tore my heart, when I started thinking about my parents. No they do not have Alzheimers, but I would most certainly start crying more and more each time I see them, if they did.
I've come to realise, I really appreciate my parents.

When I was young and helpless, and couldn't control my bladder and bowel, my parents changed me and fed me. Kept me from the warm. Sheltered me, and looked at me with love even when they feel tired.
When I was learning to walk, and I would get tired sometimes, my parents would lift me, as I was their bundle of joy, and eventhough they were tired themselves, I was like gold. They would hold me up in their arms.
When I was at that age, when I was learning to form words in my mouth to speak, my parents patiently listened to me and their eyes lit with adoration each time I said something.
When I was curious, and asked so many questions, repeatedly, they answer patiently, trying a different method of explaining things. Never did they tire.
When I was going through school, and had homework to do, my parents would sit and teach, even if they didn't know the work I was doing. They pushed me for excellence and nothing less, and they gave me their very best.
When I was a teenager and I was rebellious, and I would argue my way out of everything, and wanted to do everything, even when I sometimes knew it wasn't good for me, they would still feed me, give me advise when I need it, a hug when I'm down.
When I was 18, and had to go off to college, I was glad to leave home and start anew somewhere else, eventhough I knew my parents would miss me.
I finally got into med school and now Canada. My parents are paying a large sum of money for me to be here. Sometimes, I feel I never tell them enough how much I appreciate them.

Seeing patients that forget more and more each day about their lifes and sometimes even the people around them, I feel so afraid that I'll never get to spend good quality time with my parents anymore. I wish to do them proud and hail as Dr Chik.
Sometimes, so much so, that that desire exceeds my dreams of becoming a doctor.

Are we so numb to our surroundings? Have we forgot who and what circumstances has brought us here? Please. For all of you out there, before you lose something, please please appreciate your loved ones.
Some days, I cannot bear to see another patient's daughter or son, look at you with despair in their eyes, as tears start to well up, wondering: why is my father becoming like this?

Ephesians 6:
2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

when we are angry at the wrong things

Yes. It's one of those boring talks by me again. Don't read it if you don't want to. I won't be offended. But I just had another thought provoking, well, thought!

It's about all the ppl in the world, including myself, being angry at the wrong things. Just a few minutes ago, someone said something which not only didn't make any sense, but showed that she was incapable of carrying out an aduilt conversation. And quite honestly, I have UBER disgust for this ppl. They not only irritate me, but I look down at them, like creatures from below who cannot speak. Haha. Okay. That was over dramatic. if you don't know me enough by now by reading my posts, I would say, you haven't really read my posts. :p (AND oh yeah, just for safety net, Mandy, I AM NOT writing about you. haha)

But yes, going back to the topic, should I really have to be angry towards that person ? Or towards anyone at all who are so hell bent on irritating me?
The answer? Everyone say it in unison now: NO!
The world says, why be bothered by things which do not matter? It is true. Will a small bug flying around really mess up your life? Heck yeah it's irritating, but it sure isn't going to make you fail in everything you do miserably. Unless you let it.

The bible, in particular talks a lot about love. Instead of going the other way about avoiding things, how about confronting them with love? Easy for me to say? I agree it is hard to love someone who you dislike. But I'm not quite talking about that kind of love.

The love I'm talking about the love of people in general. I know I know. It's the same right? Love the person you hate, love everyone. It's just a subset of the group. I disagree. Strongly.

If you choose to pick the fly, instead of life around you, you miss out. Similarly, if you chose to pick on that one person who is irritating you, and not look at the world full of good people, you've missed out. Totally. God's love for His people is so great, that He doesn't pick on the one that makes mistakes. If I loved ppl enough, then this won't bother me.
This is the first thing that I feel we often get angry for the wrong reasons.

NOW. For all those other reasons that ppl get angry about, the one that I'd like to address most is anger towards christianity.
What can I say? Christians make mistakes too. As divine as Jesus is, as powerful as God the Father is, and as moving as the Holy Spirit is, christians are still humans, striving for better, but still makes mistakes in spite of everything.

I apologize, if you think christians are rotten. I apologize if we really did shove the gospel down your throat. Sorry for the crusades. Sorry for the bad impression we give you with the careless attitude we hold sometimes. Sincerely, I apologize.

My only request is this. If you are angry at christians, it is fine. But don't use that as an excuse to not be close to God.
It is not God's fault that we are so disobedient. God adores you and God loves you.
Do not let that 'fly' of a christian destroy a beautiful relationship that can exist between you and God. I know God is waiting to bless you.

when you stopped searching and started believing

I had this question asked once before, when did you stop searching and started believing (in Christ)?

For me, I never really searched. I didn't have the opportunity to do a life long search and then find out that the truth being preached is indeed the truth, and I had wasted all this years not believing it, but fighting against it. I was lucky enough to believe when I was young, when I felt that it was the most logical, and that nothing I knew, could beat my saviors love for me.

He died on the cross. Simple enough.

Guess not for some ppl. Cause they want to debate, about the exclusiveness, and about the existence of God, etc.

Well, guess what? The question about having to stop searching and start believing?
My question for the rest of you out there who haven't started to believe yet, but still 'searching', is:

When will u REALLY start searching for God, instead of evidence AGAINST God?
I mean, c'mon, you say you are searching for the truth. Are you ? Or are you searching for the your own truth? I always hear that a christians view is bias. Well, join the club. Your search and views can be quite bias too when you search for 'truth' to debunk God. Start widening ur horizons a little more, and you'll find that you will find more evidence for rather than against. When I mean research, I mean, pick up the bible. Read it. With an open mind. I confess. It must be difficult to do so, having a mind that only thinks: there is no God, there is no God.
But seriously. Try it. ask around about stuff that you don't understand. Not stuff to DEBUNK the bible. Stuff that YOU truly want to understand.

I dare you. :)

(This post has no relation whatsoever to current events. Just something I was thinking about since I had that big debate over a forum about God)

the haunting past

I shouldn't be so open about my feelings towards a certain someone, or relating that certain past, but I can't feel a bit nostalgic about a certain something.

My reason being? This whole week, every single night I've been dreaming almost a recurrent theme. Her. Sorry, no names here. To protect that particular person, and of course myself. :)

The current thought that goes through my mind, was on one particular valentine's day not too long ago, when I actually drove up to this hotel to see her, while she was with her family, just to wish her happy valentine's. Mind you, I wasn't going out with her yet, nor were we in a relationship. Well. Actually we never were. However, that particular time, she was adamant that she'll never ever be in a relationship with me. (I must really have that playboy look or something, plus BAD past history with girls).

Well, things did change after that, we did get closer, almost to the point of going into a relationship, but I was getting tired and distant as we got closer. One was mostly, well, I admit it. I can be quite the 'arse' sometimes. Anyhow, there was this whole issue with her and her best friend (who was a guy) which I didn't quite like, and all the things I kind of did to make her equally jealous. Towards the end of that almost 2 year of what I would like to call a 'courtship', we went our seperate ways. Unfortunately. I came to Canada. She didn't. And, things just started to slowly be apart.

We still talk. She still emails. But, I chose not to be in a relationship anymore for the time being, while she wanted to be in a long distant relationship. Totally NO faith in those kind of things. Once again, me being the 'arse', had distant myself. Now? Where are we? I have no idea. Do I regret my actions? Heck yeah. Enough to have recurrent dreams all about it this week. Well, it's all about growing up eh ? Looks like I still have tonnes to do.

*No more should have beens, just what I can do for now*

the one about being at wits end about what's next

I guess I'm at that phase of life, where I'm almost at the end of 'childhood' and about to embark on the journey of 'adulthood'. Don't get me wrong, I don't see myself as a child, or still a teen. HECK no. I'm not THAT much in denial. Once I finish this year (that would be around Sept), I'm pretty much exam free, and it won't be long (in May, before I'm out of the university).

I cannot help but feel helpless sometimes at the thought of it, like a fish left in a rainwater in a pothole on the road. Once the sun comes out, I'm going to be left high and dry. Okay. Maybe not that dramatic, but the thought of having to start working, earning my own money, saving up for things like a car or a place, sacres the bejezzuz out of me. Of course, the more worrisome part is, can I see patients by myself? Until now, in the clinic, I still find myself trying to make a 10 for 10 correct diagnosis on patients, and sadly, I think i'm only at a 6 or a 7 at most. Still lacking.

If I could imagine Yoda saying anything at all, it would be this:
"Lacking still,my young padawan, you are."
(Say it like you're constipated, and add in some grunts in btwn)

Haha.

Some days, what would I not give to go back to my teen years, when all you worry is about is : acne, popularity, what rubbish your friends are talking behind your back, how to get that chick and what nots.. oh yeah, and occasionally studies too.
I'm kidding. I'd rather not.

For all those of you who are not yet quite in 'adulthood' either, come join me in celebration of fear, by trying not to wet ourselves, whimpering in ithe dark cold, remnant corner of 'childhood'.

Whimper more...

freedom

FREEDOM! For the white ppl? For the black? For the country that was under imperial ruling for the past 150 years?
Or the kind that allows you to do anything without thinking of the consequences.
Maybe the kind, where you feel you've achieved after coming out of a long exam successful?
As free as the bird in the sky. Without care, without boundaries.

Is that true freedom my friends? The one worth your shout, your joy?

Freedom to do anything,
Not caring, not thinking,
But don't we know?
That this
is the kind of freedom,
that would limit you?

Often we think about the here and now. Not thinking what may happen. Come what may. Bring it on. Etc.
Sure. That's fun. Be the hippy that smokes weed and think nothing, but of their freedom under the tree.
Unforunately, this kind of freedom, is the kind that has bad consequences.

Sure. Sleep around before you are married. Surely, ONE experience is not enough. You won't know who is right for you until you try. And it is my freedom to do what I want. YOU christians have too many rules. Too many things to follow. Why is YOUR God so strict? Chill. I need my freedom. You christians are so uptight.

Like the buzzer that sounds when your given answer is wrong - YOU are most certainly wrong if you think that way.

Arrogant thought you say? I beg to differ. Think about it. Sleeping around has caused many ppl to have children the unplanned way. And the ends to that mean? A shotgun marriage. (I'm not saying that marriage is an imprisonment, but marrying someone you're not quite sure you want to spend the rest of your life is.)
I know what some might be thinking - don't get married then, and not take responsiblity. But that is a topic in itself that will be discussed another time.

What about drugs? Getting hooked on it and never being able to rid yourself of the addiction. Or pornography. Having a computer turn you on, or the tv. BAD.

Is that really freedom? Freedom to do something which will land you in a position that has no more freedom?

God has given us freedom with responsiblities and to be used with discipline. Why ? It's not that He wants to impose rules to keep us on a leash, its because He knows what will happen if we do certain things.
The funny thing is, sometimes we dont' want to do the things He has asked, but when something happens, we ask where is God or why did He do this to us?

Funny. But sad.

when you're bored and you have nothing to blog about...

Wow. That title in itself probably took up most of my blog ideas. Sad.
Just jk. But I will however be posting some pics up of my shaving escapade. Woo hoo. It shall be titled: My journey- the road hair-less. (Okay, I admit. It was lame. It's supposed to be the road travelled less. This is for all those who weren't quite sharp)

The one thing that I DID want to share in this blog, is my many encounters with the many people from all walks of life. All not knowing where my homeland. Some pretend that they know, and they are shocking embarassed by bold stupid statements. Some are honest and I explain to them where it is (South of Thailand, north of Singapore). Some are just curious.

"Oh, yeah, Malaysia. That's near Somalia right?"

"Oh! Where abouts in Malaysia are you from?"
"From Melaka. Do you know the geography of Malaysia?"
"No. I only know Kuala Lumpur."

"OOOOhhhhh. Malaysia. Where is it ?"

"So, where are you from?"
"Malaysia."
"Oh I see. So, what's the main economy of Indonesia?"
"MALAYSIA produces mainly oil and rubber. We have other industries too, but MALAYSIA'S mainly supported by the export of its oil."
"That's interesting. I've never been to Indonesia before. Wonder what it's like."

Aiyaiyaiyai. If there are more responses like this, I'll just jump of a building.
Okay. Maybe not so dramatic. But it's sad to know, that your country is known less than its neighbours Thailand and Singapore, while all this while, Malaysians make fun of Thailand as a place where husbands (unfaithful ones that is), get their freak on (or whatever you would like to call it). A visit to the bookstore (Chapters), I saw many books on Thailand (5 different ones), and only one about Malaysia, which was shared with Singapore. AND, Singapore had half, or more than half the pages of the book about it. Singapore, the tiny island has more interesting things than Malaysia, the 13 state and 1 federal territory country. Probably 50 times bigger than Singapore.

I guess all the efforts to 'Visit Malaysia' has not reached this side of the world yet. Most unfortunate.

a million miles away

A million miles away,
You never came to stay,
And the skies are ashen grey,
Since the start of May.

I told myself, no more tears,
It's time to overcome my fears,

It's time to grow up,
And no longer stay in the dark,

No more tears to cry,
I no longer need to lie,

It's time to move on,
For the feeling is long gone.

Wanting you here,
Wishing hard that you were,

Just around once again.

I know I'm no saint,

Tainted are my excuses,

Silly are my reasons,

Could anyone bear the treatment I give?

It's time for me to leave,
Leave the web I weaved,

I've none more to say,
It's time I made my way,

To a million miles away.


No more could have beens, no more what ifs, no more buts. No more akwards silences, no more teary eyes, no more cries for each other to stay. No more wishing, no more feeling of being jaded or numb. Never to be torned between things.

Just a million miles away in between. Distance. Dust. And silence. At last.

human behavior at its best

Yes. If you deciphered that title. Good on you. I'm whining. Again.
This time, it's the irresponsible act of someone taking something without,
1) asking for permisson
2) returning it due date

Please, I beg of all you ppl who are out there reading this particular post right now. Please do not repeat this stupidty that causes inconviences to other ppl. It really irks ppl. Not a good way to make an impression.


ON A HAPPIER NOTE: I'm finally back home in Halifax. For those of you who have not been reading my previosu blog and start going, are you coming back to Malaysia? Read: BACK IN HALIFAX. (I was in Moncton earlier on...)
Own bed. Own guitar. See all my friends. Good times.

coming round the mountains when he comes...

I'm coming home. This, obviously isn't the best use of my time. But out of excitement, I felt that I had to announce to the world, tmrw, I go home to Halifax.

Halifax, Halifax,
Greater it is than Sussex,
Home tomorrow,
No more sorrow,
On my own bed I'll be.

Halifax, the small city,
For myself I had much pity,
But outside is worse,
Being away is a curse,
Tomorrow, home I'll be.

Never dreamed that ever,
That Halifax would be better,
And home I'll soon be,
So happy, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................

Poem by someone who's not quite sane at the moment.

when you no longer are yourself

No. This is not one of my emotional blogs. I'm not talking about personalities today. I'm talking about the mind.

A visit to some homes for the elderly and those with special needs raised an impt question in my mind today, which would you rather get? Dementia or cancer?
To lose one's mind and not no it, is scary. But at the same time, to have something eat you alive isn't the most exciting thing either. So, which would I rather? I rather not lose my mind and lose myself.

I was a little grieved, looking at pictures in the patients room. The life they use to have. If anything at all, my mind is what I am. I mean, every part of me is important. To lose functions of my body but have only my mind left, is also bad, but to totally lose your personality. If at all, any of your relatives try to converse with you, your loved ones, your response will only be a grunt or a 'eh' or something that's least intelligable. To not even know that you are in a childlike state.

Don't get me wrong, I do not pity these ppl. It's not that I'm evil. I just look at it at a different way. I respect them really. Because, I know I'm a coward. And if I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my years just sitting in a home, with my mind wandering and day after day, I can only sit and stare at the TV or at the wall, I would end my life first.

So, for all those folks out there who are dealing with dementia, my respects to you. May God bless you and shine on your face.

the clock ticks

Tick...tick...tick.

Ah. Final week in Moncton, and it's already Tuesday. For those of you who already know my plight, you'd understand my simple joy of going back to Halifax. Yes. The Halifax that I once thought to be dreadful as well.

It is bad when most of the day you are hanging out with people twice your age (no offence to my doc, he IS fitter than I am), but it would be nice to have my peers around. Or my guitar. My bed. My own internet connection. My PS2. You get the drift. I've been down this alley before. I won't be watching TV anymore. No more temptation. (As you can see, it's one of those love hate relationships, love to watch TV, but hate how it's eating up my time).

Just yesterday I was thinking about personal history and how I myself was still 'highschool-ish' when I was in university. I remember how I'd trust a certain someone when he told me what he had heard. It was unfortunate enough that I trusted him, but it was worse when I acted out because of it. That was me. Naive. And trusted ppl easily. I guess in a way it is good. I'm so insistent this days to see it for myself. It's bad a person, but good as a doctor.

Man. Where's the fine balance in that ?

Why am I talking about this ? It's just something I've been observing these days. Whether it's talking to ppl or reading posts in a forum. We all dont' act logically, no matter what we think. We all say, yeah, I've thought it through. But have we really. Take me in the case of above. I didn't think the information through. I just followed my heart and instincts that if a good friend told you this, it must be true.
Humans are not logical beings. Sorry, I stand corrected. Humans are not efficiently logical beings. A lot of times, our decisions are compromised by our feelings. Disagree? Try calming down first, and then reread my post. Then sit down again, when your absolutely feeling free, and contemplate. :)

I'm sure you'll agree then.

the buzz

Every year, I go through this akward phase of reflection. I notice, this is also when I start to get lazy. I find it so weird and at the same time so hard, to chose being doing good and doing bad. Ah. A year has passed since I've been here overseas. No real change in my life. Well. As far as running away, I know and it has been proven time and time again, it never works, and this time around, I learn the exact same moral. It's not going to change. Wherever you go, there are weird people. It's just how you tackle it.

If life was a charging bull, do you grab it by the horns or do you let it hit you over and over again? Right now, sometimes, I feel I'm being rammed by over and over again. No. The answer to your question, IF be it that something bad's happening to me right now. Nothing is happening. And that's the exact problem isn't it? Nothing isn't good. Nothingness as the silent night, where not even crickets make their musical sounds. The kind of quiet, when not even a whisper, not even a pin drop is heard. Ahhh, the drama unfolds, as the 'prince' sits and contemplate.

I know, this blog may sound a little too emotional, or even selfish, and at many times not make sense at all.

Ah. The drama unfolds. :)

Few days ago, the doctor was telling my questions that he had asked in an interview for entry to med school. The question was: "What would you do differently if you had a choice to make a change in your life?"

What would I do differently? Sometimes, I do wonder, what happens if I took on the bad a$$ attitude instead of this? Like, being retardedly sarcastic and cycnical towards everything and everyone. Crap. If someone had said something nasty to me, I really do wish to ram it down their own throats sometimes, instead of going, sorry you felt that way. I find it hard to play the collective calm and cool character anymore.

So, this year, like a reality show on tv, which path should someone choose?

Dramatic isn't it ? Haha. I already know the answer. Just convincing myself that it is more beneficial to stay on this one than the other. Aiks, don't worry, I'm not switching sides. Just contemplating.

Need to talk to God......

injustice

Well, if anything at all, I didn't want to turn this site into a b****ing site, but who am I kidding? My title says it all.

The one thing which I was extremely not pleased about was, someone calling me irresponsible after I've apologized for my mistake. Sure, I gave one too many excuses, but to say I'm irresponsible and not accept my apology, and also my promise to make it up to that person, this totally makes the blood rise right up to my neck.
And dude, even if you want to fault me, don't make up lies. I know how well you lie, and it IRKS me. UGH!

Tsk tsk. Sometimes, it feels horrible to do the right thing. To have to back off and not say anything. To be the polite one and say "Yes sir" when that person is directly pouring crap all over you. Sorry dude, if you read this. But this time, I'm not holding it in anymore. I cannot tolerate it when ppl try to step all over me. I am NOT a floor mat, nor am I a carpet. If you are having a power trip, go trip on something else. Go scold your wall, your toilet bowl, your dishes, whatever that floats your boat. DO NOT pour it on me. Okay? Doesn't mean that because I've been nice, I won't beat the living day lights out of you.

Sorry to all those that may be shocked by this post. I just couldn't tolerate it anymore. Please, I'm asking you nicely, don't try to step on me like I'm dirt. I'm human too. Unless, this is how you treat all humans.

hey mambo

Hey Mambo! No more-a moozzarella. Hey Mambo! Hey Mambo Italiano...

Right. As you can see, I'm in better spirits today. I'm counting down the days that I get back to my room. To my guitar. My bed. My radio. My books. My table. My food. My non stick pan. My own utensils. My bathroom. My roomies. My shoes. My..

and the list goes on....

It's not that I don't like it here. I'm sure I will. If only I had a car.
Anyway, the topic that I wanted to blog about today was, about strange behaviors of a teenager. After the long weekend, and bineg bored out of my wits, I watched (what I believe to be) 4 hours back to back of Laguna Beach. For all who don't know what it is, it's a filming of real life teenagers and their love affairs and cat fights... and what nots that you can expect from a teenager. It's funny. It was like, boy A likes girl A but girl A likes boy B. Girl B likes boy A, but boy A only treats girl B as his best friend. When girl A breaks up with boy A, boy A runs to girl B for comfort. Ends up sleeping with her for a rebound. Then, boy A tries to get back with girl A, and girl A gives him false hopes when she actually like boy B now. Girl B however, is totally clueless about things, and thinking she and boy A has it going on. Phew. And that's only one sub group of the show. There was another love triangle going on somewhere else.
Is that really how teenage life is ? I remember myself kinda ... er herm... being in smoe of those situations before. (Won't say which one). My question is why? Why do we put ourselves through situations like those when we don't have to? ANd the way they talk, strut and behave was as if to prove something to someone. I guess, teen years are all about that. It's the formative years right? So what happens and how one acts is what becomes of them eventually. I laugh everytime I see someone make that kinda of mistake. But I guess, at some point, I went through the same mistakes.

Darn. How come I never had so many girls go after me. Haha.
...

...

...

Right. I shall run away in shyness with a paper bag on my head. Toodles.

I'm going nutz...

This is the point of no return. My brain... is melting. I'm not studying. I'm watching tv. I have failed to contain myself from the square box. TV so stimulating. Brain, needs more. It appears as though I'm catching up on all the lost TV time. I MUST STOP. I WILL STOP.

....sombody... pls.. help... me.... I MUST WILL MYSELF TO STUDY...

DOes that sound like I'm going over the edge yet? Today, I went to the mall myself, walked into shops myself. Watched Da Vinci, by myself, and bought smoe CDs coz I was just bored. As if I'm not in debt enough.

If anyone at all, has a cure to all this madness, please, I beg you to share this information with me ASAP. Before I become a tv junkie, and am not able to get anything done.

....the tv is not sending me msgs.... the tv is not sending me msgs.......

this is out of boredom. purely....

Today, I got to do some plastics instead of family medicine. How nice is that. Got to see, breast reduction, carpal tunnel release + synovial cyst removal, dupuytren's contracture correction, and a basal cell carcinoma removal. AND, I got to put in my 2nd chest tube. :) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA.
Satisfaction. This has so far been an interesting family medicine rotation. I LOVE IT. I would love the town much more if I had a car. Anyone willing to lend me their car for the next 3 weeks ? PLs pls... PWETTY PLEASE with strawberries and whip cream on top... ?

this is out of boredom. purely....

Today, I got to do some plastics instead of family medicine. How nice is that. Got to see, breast reduction, carpal tunnel release + synovial cyst removal, dupuytren's contracture correction, and a basal cell carcinoma removal. AND, I got to put in my 2nd chest tube. :) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA.
Satisfaction. This has so far been an interesting family medicine rotation. I LOVE IT. I would love the town much more if I had a car. Anyone willing to lend me their car for the next 3 weeks ? PLs pls... PWETTY PLEASE with strawberries and whip cream on top... ?

moncton

Pa le eh francais ?

Alright. So I DON'T KNOW french. I want to learn it, and master it, but that'll have to wait. Moncton. Beautiful place. Esp now, when summer's approaching. If the sun is up, it's really beautiful to walk around.
Right now, I'm leaving in this house, which has 7 rooms. But there's only me and this other resident around. He's a PGY1 in gen surg back in Dal. Phew. Luckily I'm not all by myself. Although, house to myself isn't too bad. There's cable. BAD. I've watched i think 4 hours in total in just 2 days. Today, I resolute not to watch anymore, but decided to come online instead to blog and chat with ppl online. Unfortunately, the 2 ppl that I was chatting with, one put up a DND sign and has prob gone to study, the other was in bed. Woke up to answer my msg and then went back to bed. So here I am.

My 2nd day working at my preceptors. 2 of them actually. They were very gracious to pick me up from the hospital and send me back everyday. Am learning lots in the clinic. Tmrw I get to go to the OR. Haha. I'm so happy. Not that I'm a great surgeon or anything, but I feel so much more interested while I'm at the OR.

Okay. That is all boring. I want to desribe Moncton a little more, but I can't. Due to the limited travelling I've done in the past 3 days. It was walking about 500m of Mountain Road, travelling back and fourth from hospital to clinic, and travelling to Sobey's by bus to buy groceries. Fantastico. Hopefully, this Friday, since my preceptors are not around, I'll get to go to the mall. And watch X3. Yes. SUch is life. Someone, pls send me some entertainment.

what a beautiful day

Ah the bright sun. Shining strong and prevalent. It should be a great day should it not ? Topped off with supper with friends at the table. New recipes that succeed. A restful weekend.

Yet, I feel incomplete. Yet I feel empty. I feel like I have not achieved anything this week. Why does my mind work this way I don't know. Depression ? Perhaps, but my lost of interest is only in studies, and not in everything else. Perhaps it's the gloomy future I see ahead? The uncertainty and what not. Don't know when this is lifted.

Ahh... what a rollercoaster. The music I listen to reflects greatly of my mood. I'm listening to Seal right now. It's quite slow and depressing. I think I'm going to go listen to Matt Mays instead. Hopefully that'll boost me up a little. To work. No motivation at all. Somebody, burn me with a red hot poker pls. I need some prodding....

the emotion rollercoaster

Just two words will describe my title. Short stay unit. Okay. I lied. But I'm sure in me doing so, I have caused you, from being serene, happy and calm to cursing, angry, antsy and soon enough, you'll be vowing to write me a long letter about the perils of lying and that I should be telling the truth.

Well. Maybe not. I guess I'm just over exaggerating. Or am I? Haha.

After meeting with patiens that have traits from Cluster B Personality Disorder, my oh my... it was a rollercoaster in itself for me who was just listening and observing. I kid you not. Let me list them out for the benefit of those who don't know psychiatry or psychology.

borderline=the indecisive one.
"Should I go home? But what if I try to commit suicide again? Do you think it'll be safer if I stay here? I think I'll be safer. But then again, I want to go home. But i'm just so afraid I'll have this this thoughts and I'll harm myself. I think I should stay." The patient is on the border. Not knowing to which way. Good or bad? Cry or laugh. Indecisive esp when coming to dealing with crisis.

histrionic=the drama queen.centrefold... oops I mean centre of attention. ;)
"It was ALL her fault. I was innocent. I was so helpful, I trusted her and gave her everything. Now she hurt me and tore my heart apart. I'll never be whole again. NEVERRRRRRRR..... "

narcistic=the high and mighty. You are dirt and should be thankful that he/she is treading on you. Only once the best.
"Well, I was here to see Dr X. I only see the best. If I talked to you, it would be a waste of my time. I'm a busy man you know. Can't afford to waste this time like this. Time is money. But since you've asked so nicely, I shall indulge in your little questions. What DO they teach medical students this days... tsk tsk"

antisocial=basically the kid that was the rascal that never quite grew up. Laws and rules mean nothing to him.
"Well *@*&% you for holding me prisoner here. I don't care about your rules. I come and go as I see fit. Why did I break the chair? Because I didn't it. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. BUZZ OFF!"

Of course, just to CYA, this aren't real conversations from patients. This are made up in my attempt to describe the patients.

Honestly? By the end of the day, I feel so drained from having to deal with so many types of ppl. Interesting indeed. But drains me somehow. 1.5 weeks to end of psych. Hope I don't go cuckoo by then. Oops. Said the 'C' word. :p

sick

I'm sick today. Caught off my roomie I think. She on the other hand must have caught it from the kids hospital. Darn patients! :) So there I was yesterday stuck doing call, while I wasn't feeling too hot, and I couldn't leave. What's worse was trying to go to bed, when my whole body felt funny, like discomfort, yet not really in pain. An ache I guess or in med terms, myalgia. I turned and tossed and tossed and turned. Woke up this morning with still more pains and aches. Thankfully the doc said, to go home and not to infect everyone else on the ward. Haha.

Well, my thoughts when I left the hospital (nearly skipping), I was thinking about the sick role. I was definately sick no doubt, but was I keying my sick role up so that everyone would take pity on me. Like "Poor you! You need rest, sleep and lots of water". Of course, my intentions were also to get home, and get rest, cause I felt that I couldn't carry on throughout the day in that condition. Leaky nose, achey muscles, and a slight cough. My question is, was I overplaying my sick role to get a chance to go home? When things like this happen, I feel extremely guilty for trying to 'skip' a days work.

Console me anyone ? :D

one of those days

One of those days. You wake up. You feel like doing your own thing. Let the work wait. Let the chips fall.
One of those days, where you don't feel like lifting a single muscle. Not out of laziness. Just. Just one of those days.
One of those days, you want to take control, but want to let loose and let go.
One of those days, where you wake up, and your bed is empty. Just you and you're alone.
One of those days, food couldn't taste any worse. As if the buds on the tongue has shut down. And everything tastes like nothing.
One of those days, where sleep couldn't be more comforting, but sitting up and thinking is good too.
One of those days, when you feel so lost, yet so in control. The list that forever awaits its completion. The end that's so yearned for, but the starts not even began.
One of those days. One of those darn days.

Well, I say. Enough of this darn days. I want one of THESE days. These days that change, so fluidly, without me cringing in disgust as I wake up in the morning. Yes. One of theses days.

life as a medical student

Life as a medical student. The title? Almost like one of an autobiography. Hence, this little blog entry will be a mini autobiography.

Life as a medical student. I don't know why I would call it life as a medical student because, essentially, there's no 'life' in a medical student's life. Coming into clinical years, was the best thing I thought could happen in medical school. Guess what ? I'm only partially right. Haha. Yes. Only partially right. Slogging everyday to be the best on the ward, only to come home to do more work. Sutdy harder and to make sure I know all the facts that I need to know on the ward and to pass my exams.
Sure. Once in a while, I hang out with ppl, do some stuff that I like, but, seriously, gone are the days where I lay idle for days, watching tv or sleeping, or just reading books. I guess it's all about growing up eh ? About accepting more responsibilities and what not ?

Hence, I retract my earlier statement. This should be named, growing up as a medical student.
Oh wait. I'm getting older too. So... growing up as a senior medical student.

*whistles*

hate, anger, frustration

Somedays, I wonder if I can rid myself of hate and unforgiveness. While looking through some pictures, I saw this person which I still till this, regrettably have resentment upon. I know, I should forgive. But some days I find it so hard. Not that this person is anymore in my life to cause anymore grievance and somedays, I wonder if ever am doing the right thing.

The story is unimportant, only to say that, there was one thing that I thought would never happen to me, did, was that I felt very betrayed by a person who I trusted so much in. This ultimately made me the person I am today, unable to trust many ppl to a certain extent. I think, I shut myself from emotions sometimes because I'm so afraid that someone would hurt me. I'd rather not cry, not be hurt. If I'm not close enough to someone, then that person cannot hurt me. What wierd mentatlity, I do agree, but those who have been hurt and feel that they cannot yet forgive, will understand me.

So, where do I go from here? I tell God sometimes how much this person reminds me things that I DO NOT want to remember. Unfortunately, one can only run so far before hitting a dead end again, running blindly as they keep looking behind and end up hitting the wall in front. Am I sometimes too caught up in my past?

My story, my problems, not to undermine it, but is so insignificant. (I mean, compared to those who are being persecuted in China). So, why is it so hard for me to do what I'm supposed to do and move forword victoriously, to live for Christ and carry out His greatest command ?

"Real gold fears no fire".

Am I real gold material ? Time will tell. Time will tell.

indescribable

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colours of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

--------

Creator of heaven and earth,
Lord I'm in awe,
Your power, your majesty,
I humbly bow before,
And proclaim,
Lord, you are King of all.

the Savior

Knock.

The pain. It seared through his body with each blow.

Knock.

"Why have I been forsaken?"

Knock.

"I have been betrayed and am about to be shamed for all to see."

He has to carry the burden on the road to death. To Golgotha. All the people who came to see him, who laid their clothes on the road and used palm leaves to welcome him in, are the some people, who were now hissing. Jeering. Spitting on his pathway. What was his sin that he had to punished like two other thieves? Was it for loving and caring? Was it for sharing his wisdom with us? For performing miracles? For being the son of God?

---

We are here today, because He gave His life up for us. We are forgiven, because He took all our condemnations, all our sins, all our mistakes, and washed us away with His precious blood. We are clean. As white as snow. The account? Reseted. All the old pages torn out and new ones put in.

What have we done with His mercy and grace? What have we done with His forgiveness?

So many times, we feel that God's grace, Christ's death, cannot conquer our sins. That we are so sinful, Christ's blood cannot wash away our sins. Why do we trick ourselves, telling ourselves and one point, that our God, our Lord is the greatest, and yet His power of forgiveness is not enough to cleanse away our sins?

Cor 11:9 - ..."My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"...

I feel so ashamed everytime I try to dilute the power of the cross. Everytime I think, God's forgiveness is not enough, I remember, the hammer hitting the nail into the flesh of Christ. Each knock reminds me: God has paid so much. So much. There's not a thing in this world, that can beat that. Nothing, can overcome the power of the cross.

the about the loose mouth

I think 2 ppl that read my blog would understand instantly what the title means. After the discussion we had. Not about me having a loose mouth, or that I said something to them that I shouldn't have. It was what I have said to other ppl, albeit innocently, but still seemed to be a grave mistake.

Has any one of you, said something and then, foudn out later, that you weren't supposed to tell anyone? Man. I felt like I had a loose mouth. And THAT is nearly as bad as being a gossip. I really have to be careful with my words eh ? With who I talk with, and who I confide with. It's not nice when something you said, may have ended being used against someone. Especially, when it makes someone fall away from Christ. *shakes fist at devil*

Well, time to start the march eh? I feel I've been silent on the things that matter most, and too loose with those that shouldn't be spoken too much about. What I'm saying is, more for Christ, less of gossip. Okay. Not gossip. I mean... erm.... empty chatter. (I don't want to sound like an old aunt that gossips lots).

Time to crawl, walk, FLY...

birthday

Yeap. It was my birthday the other day, I believe most of you knew that. T'was a plesant surprise the other day, or rather night, when the whole bunch of church ppl came over to cramp in front of my door and yell surprise. I must admit, I did know something was happening, but I didn't expect so many ppl to have appear at my door.
Thanks ppl. All of you who were there made my day.
As much as this sounds like I've just received an Emmy, I still want to do it. Haha. My few mins of 'fame'. Anyhow, I also want to thank those gave me a call or sms. I appreciately it deeply that you not only remember my birthday but actually msged me/called me/wished me over msn. Sniff. I'm really touched.
I must say, the best gift of all would be, just being able to talk to family for that short few instances. Always nice to hear from my family. Even better, they decided to send a present from Ebay. Haha. Totally awesome. :)
THe last, but not the least, I really want to thank God. Thank Him for not only making me, but providing me with ppl wherever I go. It was sad for me to leave M'sia and all my friends, but I never got depressed because God provided company. Godly company.

Ahh... what a birthday. 23. Another year older, another year bolder. Hope to grow more and more in God. and, erm... be amiable too ? haha. :)

burden

Before I began, I must say, this idea came from Bern Chia (one of my close friends back in M'sia). I must state this, so that I'm not sued for plagiarism. Haha. Or at least, he won't come hounding down my neck about writing the same topic as he did.

Interestingly, after reading his blog, I realised, this one whole year, since I've been here, has been such a weird slow year. I dare say I've regressed, unfortunately, and not quite once the person I used to be back in M'sia. And these days, I feel it's worse than ever. The constant panic of not doing what I'm supposed to do. I feel 'dirty' and 'unworthy', and each day I cry out, " Have I diluted Your grace Lord?".

I call myself "a hypocrite" and "a liar", no longer being able to justify what and why I'm doing certain things.

It's today I realised, I have hardened myself. Stiff necked. Stuborn. Obstinate. Deaf ears. Mule.

The derogatory terms I use on myself. Even yet, I find no release and no forgiveness. I admit, I was made to fly, but I clipped my own wings. I didn't trust that God made me for better things, but trusted in my own strength. My own capabilities. If I did this just that many times....
But now, the feeling of failure dawns upon me. I cannot do anything by myself. My success, my life, my dreams, it's all in God's hands.

It's time to fly.

Phillipians 4:
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

His will, and not mine.

Isaiah 55:
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

interesting

Hey peeps. If u are free, go do this. I'm curious.

Ian's Johari window

salute

This place that I went to, really affected me. Read the words on the stone. While I was there, somehow, even with many ppl around talking and laughing, I felt like it was dead silent. So peaceful, yet so depressing. The serene sadness.
To this ppl, I pray their souls go back home to God. Note the line that goes: they have become one with the sea and the sky.

Some day, I will be there too. One with the sky and sea. Not that I'm looking forward to it, but I would certainly embrace, being face to face with my creator again.
Bless these souls.