one of those days

One of those days. You wake up. You feel like doing your own thing. Let the work wait. Let the chips fall.
One of those days, where you don't feel like lifting a single muscle. Not out of laziness. Just. Just one of those days.
One of those days, you want to take control, but want to let loose and let go.
One of those days, where you wake up, and your bed is empty. Just you and you're alone.
One of those days, food couldn't taste any worse. As if the buds on the tongue has shut down. And everything tastes like nothing.
One of those days, where sleep couldn't be more comforting, but sitting up and thinking is good too.
One of those days, when you feel so lost, yet so in control. The list that forever awaits its completion. The end that's so yearned for, but the starts not even began.
One of those days. One of those darn days.

Well, I say. Enough of this darn days. I want one of THESE days. These days that change, so fluidly, without me cringing in disgust as I wake up in the morning. Yes. One of theses days.

life as a medical student

Life as a medical student. The title? Almost like one of an autobiography. Hence, this little blog entry will be a mini autobiography.

Life as a medical student. I don't know why I would call it life as a medical student because, essentially, there's no 'life' in a medical student's life. Coming into clinical years, was the best thing I thought could happen in medical school. Guess what ? I'm only partially right. Haha. Yes. Only partially right. Slogging everyday to be the best on the ward, only to come home to do more work. Sutdy harder and to make sure I know all the facts that I need to know on the ward and to pass my exams.
Sure. Once in a while, I hang out with ppl, do some stuff that I like, but, seriously, gone are the days where I lay idle for days, watching tv or sleeping, or just reading books. I guess it's all about growing up eh ? About accepting more responsibilities and what not ?

Hence, I retract my earlier statement. This should be named, growing up as a medical student.
Oh wait. I'm getting older too. So... growing up as a senior medical student.

*whistles*

hate, anger, frustration

Somedays, I wonder if I can rid myself of hate and unforgiveness. While looking through some pictures, I saw this person which I still till this, regrettably have resentment upon. I know, I should forgive. But some days I find it so hard. Not that this person is anymore in my life to cause anymore grievance and somedays, I wonder if ever am doing the right thing.

The story is unimportant, only to say that, there was one thing that I thought would never happen to me, did, was that I felt very betrayed by a person who I trusted so much in. This ultimately made me the person I am today, unable to trust many ppl to a certain extent. I think, I shut myself from emotions sometimes because I'm so afraid that someone would hurt me. I'd rather not cry, not be hurt. If I'm not close enough to someone, then that person cannot hurt me. What wierd mentatlity, I do agree, but those who have been hurt and feel that they cannot yet forgive, will understand me.

So, where do I go from here? I tell God sometimes how much this person reminds me things that I DO NOT want to remember. Unfortunately, one can only run so far before hitting a dead end again, running blindly as they keep looking behind and end up hitting the wall in front. Am I sometimes too caught up in my past?

My story, my problems, not to undermine it, but is so insignificant. (I mean, compared to those who are being persecuted in China). So, why is it so hard for me to do what I'm supposed to do and move forword victoriously, to live for Christ and carry out His greatest command ?

"Real gold fears no fire".

Am I real gold material ? Time will tell. Time will tell.

indescribable

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colours of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

--------

Creator of heaven and earth,
Lord I'm in awe,
Your power, your majesty,
I humbly bow before,
And proclaim,
Lord, you are King of all.

the Savior

Knock.

The pain. It seared through his body with each blow.

Knock.

"Why have I been forsaken?"

Knock.

"I have been betrayed and am about to be shamed for all to see."

He has to carry the burden on the road to death. To Golgotha. All the people who came to see him, who laid their clothes on the road and used palm leaves to welcome him in, are the some people, who were now hissing. Jeering. Spitting on his pathway. What was his sin that he had to punished like two other thieves? Was it for loving and caring? Was it for sharing his wisdom with us? For performing miracles? For being the son of God?

---

We are here today, because He gave His life up for us. We are forgiven, because He took all our condemnations, all our sins, all our mistakes, and washed us away with His precious blood. We are clean. As white as snow. The account? Reseted. All the old pages torn out and new ones put in.

What have we done with His mercy and grace? What have we done with His forgiveness?

So many times, we feel that God's grace, Christ's death, cannot conquer our sins. That we are so sinful, Christ's blood cannot wash away our sins. Why do we trick ourselves, telling ourselves and one point, that our God, our Lord is the greatest, and yet His power of forgiveness is not enough to cleanse away our sins?

Cor 11:9 - ..."My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"...

I feel so ashamed everytime I try to dilute the power of the cross. Everytime I think, God's forgiveness is not enough, I remember, the hammer hitting the nail into the flesh of Christ. Each knock reminds me: God has paid so much. So much. There's not a thing in this world, that can beat that. Nothing, can overcome the power of the cross.

the about the loose mouth

I think 2 ppl that read my blog would understand instantly what the title means. After the discussion we had. Not about me having a loose mouth, or that I said something to them that I shouldn't have. It was what I have said to other ppl, albeit innocently, but still seemed to be a grave mistake.

Has any one of you, said something and then, foudn out later, that you weren't supposed to tell anyone? Man. I felt like I had a loose mouth. And THAT is nearly as bad as being a gossip. I really have to be careful with my words eh ? With who I talk with, and who I confide with. It's not nice when something you said, may have ended being used against someone. Especially, when it makes someone fall away from Christ. *shakes fist at devil*

Well, time to start the march eh? I feel I've been silent on the things that matter most, and too loose with those that shouldn't be spoken too much about. What I'm saying is, more for Christ, less of gossip. Okay. Not gossip. I mean... erm.... empty chatter. (I don't want to sound like an old aunt that gossips lots).

Time to crawl, walk, FLY...

birthday

Yeap. It was my birthday the other day, I believe most of you knew that. T'was a plesant surprise the other day, or rather night, when the whole bunch of church ppl came over to cramp in front of my door and yell surprise. I must admit, I did know something was happening, but I didn't expect so many ppl to have appear at my door.
Thanks ppl. All of you who were there made my day.
As much as this sounds like I've just received an Emmy, I still want to do it. Haha. My few mins of 'fame'. Anyhow, I also want to thank those gave me a call or sms. I appreciately it deeply that you not only remember my birthday but actually msged me/called me/wished me over msn. Sniff. I'm really touched.
I must say, the best gift of all would be, just being able to talk to family for that short few instances. Always nice to hear from my family. Even better, they decided to send a present from Ebay. Haha. Totally awesome. :)
THe last, but not the least, I really want to thank God. Thank Him for not only making me, but providing me with ppl wherever I go. It was sad for me to leave M'sia and all my friends, but I never got depressed because God provided company. Godly company.

Ahh... what a birthday. 23. Another year older, another year bolder. Hope to grow more and more in God. and, erm... be amiable too ? haha. :)

burden

Before I began, I must say, this idea came from Bern Chia (one of my close friends back in M'sia). I must state this, so that I'm not sued for plagiarism. Haha. Or at least, he won't come hounding down my neck about writing the same topic as he did.

Interestingly, after reading his blog, I realised, this one whole year, since I've been here, has been such a weird slow year. I dare say I've regressed, unfortunately, and not quite once the person I used to be back in M'sia. And these days, I feel it's worse than ever. The constant panic of not doing what I'm supposed to do. I feel 'dirty' and 'unworthy', and each day I cry out, " Have I diluted Your grace Lord?".

I call myself "a hypocrite" and "a liar", no longer being able to justify what and why I'm doing certain things.

It's today I realised, I have hardened myself. Stiff necked. Stuborn. Obstinate. Deaf ears. Mule.

The derogatory terms I use on myself. Even yet, I find no release and no forgiveness. I admit, I was made to fly, but I clipped my own wings. I didn't trust that God made me for better things, but trusted in my own strength. My own capabilities. If I did this just that many times....
But now, the feeling of failure dawns upon me. I cannot do anything by myself. My success, my life, my dreams, it's all in God's hands.

It's time to fly.

Phillipians 4:
13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

His will, and not mine.

Isaiah 55:
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

interesting

Hey peeps. If u are free, go do this. I'm curious.

Ian's Johari window

salute

This place that I went to, really affected me. Read the words on the stone. While I was there, somehow, even with many ppl around talking and laughing, I felt like it was dead silent. So peaceful, yet so depressing. The serene sadness.
To this ppl, I pray their souls go back home to God. Note the line that goes: they have become one with the sea and the sky.

Some day, I will be there too. One with the sky and sea. Not that I'm looking forward to it, but I would certainly embrace, being face to face with my creator again.
Bless these souls.