deliberation

How many things that you have done today is out of deliberation? As in you planned to do it and knew what the outcome was, that you were certain this was what you wanted to do in the first place.

I ask myself, how many times have I done something out of deliberation for God. I know, some of you must be thinking: "What another topic about God?".
Well, the thing is, for all those who are christians, the reason as to why I'm thinking this, is because it's christmas. No, it's not because Christ was born. I mean not just that, but this is the time everyone's rushing around to buy gifts correct? So anxious to complete their shopping list, that they've forgot why christmas is celebrated anyway.

So, how many times have you given unto the Lord or done something in deliberation for Him? I'm not talking about giving one tenth of your money to the church, and neither am I talking about devoting your life to God's word. I'm merely saying, when was the last time, when God said: "Child, don't do this" , you obeyed and did exactly as you were told.
I won't point fingers. I myself am guilty of this. Many and many times over, I have disobeyed. I can't even give a full pledged obedience to God. Sometimes, I do so many things, I feel I have diluted the power of the cross with my sins. I feel so awful, yet no where to turn and no where to hide.

I need God's saving grace.

Last night, I knelt by my bedside, and cried out to God for help. I knew I could not carry on like this. I needed His saving grace. His mercy, His endless love. I bowed my head in shame and uttered words so soft only God could hear.

I need you, Lord. Please forgive me and help me change. I don't want to stop running for You. Give me strength, courage and wisdom. But most imptly, let me be in Your presence, always.

christmas

Ahh... all the christmas shopping. So many hours spent in the shopping centre and yet, I've not completed buying the presents and what not. More money down the drain... haha.

Anyway, that's not the original intent for the content in this blog. I watched narnia today, and for all those of you who don't know, it's a parallel to the christian world. Yes, after alice in wonderland, C.S Lewis became christian, and his writings were very in tuned with the christian world.

The lion, the witch and the wardrobe. (warning: spoiler ahead!!!)

How else can I elaborate this better? I'm not sure myself. From the moment the kids stepped into narnia, I started to associate everything with us (christians).
Aselan (is that the correct spelling?) is basically God, the witch is the devil and the kids are like humans (doh!)

Narnia is basically like the world, and I guess the winter in narnia was basically like all the troubles that we go through in this world. Really appeared to be like the end times. People of narnia was not just suffering from the cold, but were afraid of the witch. Some would do things just to save their own hind, not thinking about the consequences of their actions.

When the boy (Edmund) was tempted to betray his own family for Turkish Delight, I really felt that we all do that sometimes. We give up what's right for things that we find so pleasurable. Even when we know it'll make things worse.
Then came the eldest, when asked to help out, he gave all sorts of excuses; ' oh I'm only a boy' or 'I only want to save my brother'.Doesn't that sound like us when asked to help out in church or reach out to other ppl?

In short, I felt it is a really powerful story. The bit when Aselan sacrificed himself for Edmund (because Edmund had betrayed them and the witch had claimed his life- like the devil who claims all sinners into his dominion), it was really like Christ dying for us. Potrayed very well. Of course, no one would have known this, unless it was explained.

My last msg: all u christians out there, bring your non-christian friend to this movie, and explain to them the scenes after the movie. Good outreach. :)

family

When things are not quite the way you want it to be, it's always good to have someone, or ppl that will cheer u on.
It's not quite the same when everyone's 92749503474939 miles away from you. All nicely snugged at home, when you're in a blistering cold country, with your ears feeling like it's going to fall down when you walk to the hospital.

RIght.

I just wanted to post two pics here. Tribute to the ppl who meant most to me back home (after family of course)... and of my best bud. Her birthday was not too long ago. She's turned 23. Erppp..... still not too old. If you're reading this, PLEASE make sure there isn't any wedding bells b4 I get home. Marriage can wait, best friends can't. Oh wait. That doesn't sound rite. Hmmmm...

Anyhow, I want to get emotional here and thank you for your friendship. I think your are the only one who saw me crying public the most. Thanks for the shoulder. I appreciate all the times u were really there when I was really down in the dumps and had no one to talk to. Of all ppl, and of good friends, I think you are the one who understands me the best. I wonder if I'm so emotional now because I have an exam on Sat, and this feels like impending doom. Haha. Anyhow. I'd also like to shout out to all those in the pic. Some whom I've lost contact with.... like Raymond... jeez.. it's kinda sad that all of us went out ways, but may our friendship never part, cause your friendship is not just another of my relationships with a friend. You peeps are like family to me. Jon, Aiky, Lena, Esther, Wen Hao, Jeng (who's not in the pic... hmmm), Ray ray, Jonny boy, Bern... don't forget me ya :)


Ally and me, unable to decide who's the better friend... haha

We are family... ?!?!?! :)

2 more days

2 more days to my 2 paper exam, each lasting 2 hours.
2 much to study and remember, 2 tired to carry on.

arrgghhh....

me going nuts....

kids and women...... don't think i'm going to specialise in this 2 areas...

bored

I feel so uninspired, I decided to post one of my latest pics, so that some of you may see if I've gained 'prosperity' or if i'm still a 'pauper'. I don't think I have put on weight, have I ? Do I look fat? hahahha. i'm just joking. Please ignore this first few sentences.

It's that time of the year again. Christmas. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss the food my mama cooks. Honestly, I'd kiss the ground if I get to go home soon. But all is in vain. Halifax is unfortunately my home now. Well, at least for the next 2 years. Well, at least they have snow here, something Malaysia doesn't have, but even that I'm beginning to dread. jen Ping and Karen (two other M'sian students) and I decided we should go walk around town to see how it looks like when it's buried in snow.

Not a good idea.

I didn't have boots, so by the time we reached the town, my toes were frozen solid! So much for the smart idea of walking through snow at the commons. My shoes for one aren't warm enough and it isn't waterproof. (Yes, yes, I suprise myself with this ingenious moves sometimes too). I'll post up some snow pics soon. When I have them.

Right. Another post that means nothing. Just so that I can turn away from the books for a while. =p

Normalizing

Today, wasn't exactly the best day of my life. For the first time ever, a patient passed away in front of me. He was just 10, with a lifetime ahead of him, if only he had survived today.
Mother was distraught, in tears and could only tell him how much she loved him, eventhough he can never hear her voice again. His grandparents were there, his grandfather trembling upon sight of his grandson. Imagine all those memories of playing with his grandson, watching him grow up, hearing him laugh. It's all gone now. His father was away at that time. I could only try to imagine how his father's reaction would be once he gets the phone call.
The staff was in tears too, not the doctors, but the nurses. I was fighting the tears. I swallowed each wave of sadness. I didn't want to be overcome by feelings of inadequecy. In all that I could not do. I was trying so hard not to wail right at that moment. I knew if I did, I would open the flood gates.

So what now for the boy's parents and grandparents? His family members? How do they go on without him? Imagine having to go home one day expecting to talk to your son or to play with him, and find that the seat on the dining table is empty.
Silence entails the dinner. No one speaks for the next few days.

As corny as it sounds, the only way I could normalize this was to tell myself, this is why you have to be a great doctor who knows his things in and out. No other way. I want to be able to help change lives of ppl as much as I can. Whether to cure or to improve, I'll try my best.

I hope the kid's soul rest in peace, and he be with God rite now.

this sux

What the!?! I bought milk and brocolli and left it by accident at the counter. I only realised I had made such a blunder when I reached home. Thankfully, the superstore is only below my building. So I ran back to the same cashier, only to be greeted by a blank look.

"Erm, some guy said he'd send it to you. He took it."
Me: ".....?What?"
"Yeah, some guy said he'd run after you and give it to you."
Me: "....Okay...."

Who in the world who'd steal brocolli and milk. Skim milk at that too. Not tasty. Thank God I didn't have to pay a second round. Was replaced by the store for free.

However, I was still cursing under my breath, that people like this exist. True, I don't know the story. Could be some poor fella who needs to feed his family.
Sigh.
Don't know how to face ppl sometimes. It gets frustrating.

High BP. Spironolactone anyone?

life without the wheels

Crap! At 1 in the morning, when everything else was closed, I thought I'd swing by McDonalds after my emerge shift and get my dinner. But guess what was the response I got?

"Sorry, sir we can't help you."
"You mean to say, I need a car to order?"
"Sorry, we can't help you if you don't have a car."
"^%*&$%*&%$%!!!!!!!!!!"

The sign said drive thru... very clearly, but I'd thought they let a hungry kid get his supper at least rite?
Guess not. Ended up buying donair, which I'm about to consume in 5 mins.

Arrgghhh...
Oh..

I mean, yummmm...

solitude for the desolate

I always was worried what would happen next. Always worried what ppl might think.

“What if ppl laugh at me or think i'm uncool? What if it'd made me look like a fool?"

Of course that has changed. I’ve grown.
Lately, in line with would happen to my future, of course, I’ve been thinking:

“When will I ever get to go home to Malaysia? To see friends and family again and see my home once more?”

Today, while walking home from peds emerge, the sky was as beautiful as it was yesterday. Sun setting in the west, with the sky orangey around it but blue everywhere else. And something about the blue was so different. The comforting light blue, that does so well in making me feel so secured. It wasn’t a long walk, but I had a good conversation with God. I felt my questions were answered all suddenly, and that it was all going to be fine, that my trust in God has not been misplaced.

“All you are, is all I want, always
draw me close in your arms oh God,
I want to be with you,
cause all you are is all I want, always
draw me close in your arms oh God,
I want to be with you”

At that point of time, I felt, that’s all that mattered, that if God would keep me close, nothing else would matter. Every tear, every joy, every dream, every fear has all been conquered by God. It doesn’t matter how long before I go home, or how long I will be away from home. Whichever. My home is where God is, and that would be everywhere.
All God is, is all I want. Nothing else. God fulfills my soul. Every inch of me is quenched by His presence.

I almost cried. I nearly did. Almost.

I guess the blue sky was so comforting because it was so calm. No matter how hard the winds blow, or if the sun wasn’t up, whether the clouds and rain are in the way, at the end, the sky remains the same. Really unchanged by the weather. Hence, neither will I be fazed be put down, and I will soar with the eagles as my God is with me always.

of memories and dreams

Today, was one of the few rare days that I could sleep in. Right up to 12 in the afternoon. It wasn't planned. I meant to wake up at 9. Do some work then go for my one hour class at 12. But, I guess the week has taken it's toll on me. I was knocked out cold. However, I managed to enjoy the nice sun outside at 8 degrees. I'm getting acclimitised I tell you. It was just pleasant.

Something about today that's making me feel so euphoric. I just feel so good, until I read something, then I started thinking about the past. Again.

It's not so much of evaluating what I have and have not done, but more so of wondering if things could ever be different from how it is today. I guess the lack of ppl to hang out with at current is really keeping me down in the dumps. Sadly, I watch other ppl having fun in other places and I want that too, but it would seem that at this point, it's not possible. All I can and should think about are my books, the pages in it, and every single word in each line. Haha. Sad. Sad.

My world is confined by the four walls of my room and if not, the hospital grounds. No friends, no chick, no achievements.
Thankfully, I still have God and my family and of course friends back home. Haha. Any suggestions anyone ? :)