deliberation

How many things that you have done today is out of deliberation? As in you planned to do it and knew what the outcome was, that you were certain this was what you wanted to do in the first place.

I ask myself, how many times have I done something out of deliberation for God. I know, some of you must be thinking: "What another topic about God?".
Well, the thing is, for all those who are christians, the reason as to why I'm thinking this, is because it's christmas. No, it's not because Christ was born. I mean not just that, but this is the time everyone's rushing around to buy gifts correct? So anxious to complete their shopping list, that they've forgot why christmas is celebrated anyway.

So, how many times have you given unto the Lord or done something in deliberation for Him? I'm not talking about giving one tenth of your money to the church, and neither am I talking about devoting your life to God's word. I'm merely saying, when was the last time, when God said: "Child, don't do this" , you obeyed and did exactly as you were told.
I won't point fingers. I myself am guilty of this. Many and many times over, I have disobeyed. I can't even give a full pledged obedience to God. Sometimes, I do so many things, I feel I have diluted the power of the cross with my sins. I feel so awful, yet no where to turn and no where to hide.

I need God's saving grace.

Last night, I knelt by my bedside, and cried out to God for help. I knew I could not carry on like this. I needed His saving grace. His mercy, His endless love. I bowed my head in shame and uttered words so soft only God could hear.

I need you, Lord. Please forgive me and help me change. I don't want to stop running for You. Give me strength, courage and wisdom. But most imptly, let me be in Your presence, always.