are we so numb?

Are we so numb? Numb to the fact that this world is so diseased ? That people not only live and die, but suffer from ailments that cannot be cured? Once in a while we are awed by disasters of great propensity, but the ones that which are smaller, we tend to let it be wiped off our minds. True. We cannot store and live in lives full of grief, but without crisis like this, we never learn.

Seeing an Alzheimer's patient really tore my heart, when I started thinking about my parents. No they do not have Alzheimers, but I would most certainly start crying more and more each time I see them, if they did.
I've come to realise, I really appreciate my parents.

When I was young and helpless, and couldn't control my bladder and bowel, my parents changed me and fed me. Kept me from the warm. Sheltered me, and looked at me with love even when they feel tired.
When I was learning to walk, and I would get tired sometimes, my parents would lift me, as I was their bundle of joy, and eventhough they were tired themselves, I was like gold. They would hold me up in their arms.
When I was at that age, when I was learning to form words in my mouth to speak, my parents patiently listened to me and their eyes lit with adoration each time I said something.
When I was curious, and asked so many questions, repeatedly, they answer patiently, trying a different method of explaining things. Never did they tire.
When I was going through school, and had homework to do, my parents would sit and teach, even if they didn't know the work I was doing. They pushed me for excellence and nothing less, and they gave me their very best.
When I was a teenager and I was rebellious, and I would argue my way out of everything, and wanted to do everything, even when I sometimes knew it wasn't good for me, they would still feed me, give me advise when I need it, a hug when I'm down.
When I was 18, and had to go off to college, I was glad to leave home and start anew somewhere else, eventhough I knew my parents would miss me.
I finally got into med school and now Canada. My parents are paying a large sum of money for me to be here. Sometimes, I feel I never tell them enough how much I appreciate them.

Seeing patients that forget more and more each day about their lifes and sometimes even the people around them, I feel so afraid that I'll never get to spend good quality time with my parents anymore. I wish to do them proud and hail as Dr Chik.
Sometimes, so much so, that that desire exceeds my dreams of becoming a doctor.

Are we so numb to our surroundings? Have we forgot who and what circumstances has brought us here? Please. For all of you out there, before you lose something, please please appreciate your loved ones.
Some days, I cannot bear to see another patient's daughter or son, look at you with despair in their eyes, as tears start to well up, wondering: why is my father becoming like this?

Ephesians 6:
2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

when we are angry at the wrong things

Yes. It's one of those boring talks by me again. Don't read it if you don't want to. I won't be offended. But I just had another thought provoking, well, thought!

It's about all the ppl in the world, including myself, being angry at the wrong things. Just a few minutes ago, someone said something which not only didn't make any sense, but showed that she was incapable of carrying out an aduilt conversation. And quite honestly, I have UBER disgust for this ppl. They not only irritate me, but I look down at them, like creatures from below who cannot speak. Haha. Okay. That was over dramatic. if you don't know me enough by now by reading my posts, I would say, you haven't really read my posts. :p (AND oh yeah, just for safety net, Mandy, I AM NOT writing about you. haha)

But yes, going back to the topic, should I really have to be angry towards that person ? Or towards anyone at all who are so hell bent on irritating me?
The answer? Everyone say it in unison now: NO!
The world says, why be bothered by things which do not matter? It is true. Will a small bug flying around really mess up your life? Heck yeah it's irritating, but it sure isn't going to make you fail in everything you do miserably. Unless you let it.

The bible, in particular talks a lot about love. Instead of going the other way about avoiding things, how about confronting them with love? Easy for me to say? I agree it is hard to love someone who you dislike. But I'm not quite talking about that kind of love.

The love I'm talking about the love of people in general. I know I know. It's the same right? Love the person you hate, love everyone. It's just a subset of the group. I disagree. Strongly.

If you choose to pick the fly, instead of life around you, you miss out. Similarly, if you chose to pick on that one person who is irritating you, and not look at the world full of good people, you've missed out. Totally. God's love for His people is so great, that He doesn't pick on the one that makes mistakes. If I loved ppl enough, then this won't bother me.
This is the first thing that I feel we often get angry for the wrong reasons.

NOW. For all those other reasons that ppl get angry about, the one that I'd like to address most is anger towards christianity.
What can I say? Christians make mistakes too. As divine as Jesus is, as powerful as God the Father is, and as moving as the Holy Spirit is, christians are still humans, striving for better, but still makes mistakes in spite of everything.

I apologize, if you think christians are rotten. I apologize if we really did shove the gospel down your throat. Sorry for the crusades. Sorry for the bad impression we give you with the careless attitude we hold sometimes. Sincerely, I apologize.

My only request is this. If you are angry at christians, it is fine. But don't use that as an excuse to not be close to God.
It is not God's fault that we are so disobedient. God adores you and God loves you.
Do not let that 'fly' of a christian destroy a beautiful relationship that can exist between you and God. I know God is waiting to bless you.

when you stopped searching and started believing

I had this question asked once before, when did you stop searching and started believing (in Christ)?

For me, I never really searched. I didn't have the opportunity to do a life long search and then find out that the truth being preached is indeed the truth, and I had wasted all this years not believing it, but fighting against it. I was lucky enough to believe when I was young, when I felt that it was the most logical, and that nothing I knew, could beat my saviors love for me.

He died on the cross. Simple enough.

Guess not for some ppl. Cause they want to debate, about the exclusiveness, and about the existence of God, etc.

Well, guess what? The question about having to stop searching and start believing?
My question for the rest of you out there who haven't started to believe yet, but still 'searching', is:

When will u REALLY start searching for God, instead of evidence AGAINST God?
I mean, c'mon, you say you are searching for the truth. Are you ? Or are you searching for the your own truth? I always hear that a christians view is bias. Well, join the club. Your search and views can be quite bias too when you search for 'truth' to debunk God. Start widening ur horizons a little more, and you'll find that you will find more evidence for rather than against. When I mean research, I mean, pick up the bible. Read it. With an open mind. I confess. It must be difficult to do so, having a mind that only thinks: there is no God, there is no God.
But seriously. Try it. ask around about stuff that you don't understand. Not stuff to DEBUNK the bible. Stuff that YOU truly want to understand.

I dare you. :)

(This post has no relation whatsoever to current events. Just something I was thinking about since I had that big debate over a forum about God)

the haunting past

I shouldn't be so open about my feelings towards a certain someone, or relating that certain past, but I can't feel a bit nostalgic about a certain something.

My reason being? This whole week, every single night I've been dreaming almost a recurrent theme. Her. Sorry, no names here. To protect that particular person, and of course myself. :)

The current thought that goes through my mind, was on one particular valentine's day not too long ago, when I actually drove up to this hotel to see her, while she was with her family, just to wish her happy valentine's. Mind you, I wasn't going out with her yet, nor were we in a relationship. Well. Actually we never were. However, that particular time, she was adamant that she'll never ever be in a relationship with me. (I must really have that playboy look or something, plus BAD past history with girls).

Well, things did change after that, we did get closer, almost to the point of going into a relationship, but I was getting tired and distant as we got closer. One was mostly, well, I admit it. I can be quite the 'arse' sometimes. Anyhow, there was this whole issue with her and her best friend (who was a guy) which I didn't quite like, and all the things I kind of did to make her equally jealous. Towards the end of that almost 2 year of what I would like to call a 'courtship', we went our seperate ways. Unfortunately. I came to Canada. She didn't. And, things just started to slowly be apart.

We still talk. She still emails. But, I chose not to be in a relationship anymore for the time being, while she wanted to be in a long distant relationship. Totally NO faith in those kind of things. Once again, me being the 'arse', had distant myself. Now? Where are we? I have no idea. Do I regret my actions? Heck yeah. Enough to have recurrent dreams all about it this week. Well, it's all about growing up eh ? Looks like I still have tonnes to do.

*No more should have beens, just what I can do for now*

the one about being at wits end about what's next

I guess I'm at that phase of life, where I'm almost at the end of 'childhood' and about to embark on the journey of 'adulthood'. Don't get me wrong, I don't see myself as a child, or still a teen. HECK no. I'm not THAT much in denial. Once I finish this year (that would be around Sept), I'm pretty much exam free, and it won't be long (in May, before I'm out of the university).

I cannot help but feel helpless sometimes at the thought of it, like a fish left in a rainwater in a pothole on the road. Once the sun comes out, I'm going to be left high and dry. Okay. Maybe not that dramatic, but the thought of having to start working, earning my own money, saving up for things like a car or a place, sacres the bejezzuz out of me. Of course, the more worrisome part is, can I see patients by myself? Until now, in the clinic, I still find myself trying to make a 10 for 10 correct diagnosis on patients, and sadly, I think i'm only at a 6 or a 7 at most. Still lacking.

If I could imagine Yoda saying anything at all, it would be this:
"Lacking still,my young padawan, you are."
(Say it like you're constipated, and add in some grunts in btwn)

Haha.

Some days, what would I not give to go back to my teen years, when all you worry is about is : acne, popularity, what rubbish your friends are talking behind your back, how to get that chick and what nots.. oh yeah, and occasionally studies too.
I'm kidding. I'd rather not.

For all those of you who are not yet quite in 'adulthood' either, come join me in celebration of fear, by trying not to wet ourselves, whimpering in ithe dark cold, remnant corner of 'childhood'.

Whimper more...

freedom

FREEDOM! For the white ppl? For the black? For the country that was under imperial ruling for the past 150 years?
Or the kind that allows you to do anything without thinking of the consequences.
Maybe the kind, where you feel you've achieved after coming out of a long exam successful?
As free as the bird in the sky. Without care, without boundaries.

Is that true freedom my friends? The one worth your shout, your joy?

Freedom to do anything,
Not caring, not thinking,
But don't we know?
That this
is the kind of freedom,
that would limit you?

Often we think about the here and now. Not thinking what may happen. Come what may. Bring it on. Etc.
Sure. That's fun. Be the hippy that smokes weed and think nothing, but of their freedom under the tree.
Unforunately, this kind of freedom, is the kind that has bad consequences.

Sure. Sleep around before you are married. Surely, ONE experience is not enough. You won't know who is right for you until you try. And it is my freedom to do what I want. YOU christians have too many rules. Too many things to follow. Why is YOUR God so strict? Chill. I need my freedom. You christians are so uptight.

Like the buzzer that sounds when your given answer is wrong - YOU are most certainly wrong if you think that way.

Arrogant thought you say? I beg to differ. Think about it. Sleeping around has caused many ppl to have children the unplanned way. And the ends to that mean? A shotgun marriage. (I'm not saying that marriage is an imprisonment, but marrying someone you're not quite sure you want to spend the rest of your life is.)
I know what some might be thinking - don't get married then, and not take responsiblity. But that is a topic in itself that will be discussed another time.

What about drugs? Getting hooked on it and never being able to rid yourself of the addiction. Or pornography. Having a computer turn you on, or the tv. BAD.

Is that really freedom? Freedom to do something which will land you in a position that has no more freedom?

God has given us freedom with responsiblities and to be used with discipline. Why ? It's not that He wants to impose rules to keep us on a leash, its because He knows what will happen if we do certain things.
The funny thing is, sometimes we dont' want to do the things He has asked, but when something happens, we ask where is God or why did He do this to us?

Funny. But sad.

when you're bored and you have nothing to blog about...

Wow. That title in itself probably took up most of my blog ideas. Sad.
Just jk. But I will however be posting some pics up of my shaving escapade. Woo hoo. It shall be titled: My journey- the road hair-less. (Okay, I admit. It was lame. It's supposed to be the road travelled less. This is for all those who weren't quite sharp)

The one thing that I DID want to share in this blog, is my many encounters with the many people from all walks of life. All not knowing where my homeland. Some pretend that they know, and they are shocking embarassed by bold stupid statements. Some are honest and I explain to them where it is (South of Thailand, north of Singapore). Some are just curious.

"Oh, yeah, Malaysia. That's near Somalia right?"

"Oh! Where abouts in Malaysia are you from?"
"From Melaka. Do you know the geography of Malaysia?"
"No. I only know Kuala Lumpur."

"OOOOhhhhh. Malaysia. Where is it ?"

"So, where are you from?"
"Malaysia."
"Oh I see. So, what's the main economy of Indonesia?"
"MALAYSIA produces mainly oil and rubber. We have other industries too, but MALAYSIA'S mainly supported by the export of its oil."
"That's interesting. I've never been to Indonesia before. Wonder what it's like."

Aiyaiyaiyai. If there are more responses like this, I'll just jump of a building.
Okay. Maybe not so dramatic. But it's sad to know, that your country is known less than its neighbours Thailand and Singapore, while all this while, Malaysians make fun of Thailand as a place where husbands (unfaithful ones that is), get their freak on (or whatever you would like to call it). A visit to the bookstore (Chapters), I saw many books on Thailand (5 different ones), and only one about Malaysia, which was shared with Singapore. AND, Singapore had half, or more than half the pages of the book about it. Singapore, the tiny island has more interesting things than Malaysia, the 13 state and 1 federal territory country. Probably 50 times bigger than Singapore.

I guess all the efforts to 'Visit Malaysia' has not reached this side of the world yet. Most unfortunate.

a million miles away

A million miles away,
You never came to stay,
And the skies are ashen grey,
Since the start of May.

I told myself, no more tears,
It's time to overcome my fears,

It's time to grow up,
And no longer stay in the dark,

No more tears to cry,
I no longer need to lie,

It's time to move on,
For the feeling is long gone.

Wanting you here,
Wishing hard that you were,

Just around once again.

I know I'm no saint,

Tainted are my excuses,

Silly are my reasons,

Could anyone bear the treatment I give?

It's time for me to leave,
Leave the web I weaved,

I've none more to say,
It's time I made my way,

To a million miles away.


No more could have beens, no more what ifs, no more buts. No more akwards silences, no more teary eyes, no more cries for each other to stay. No more wishing, no more feeling of being jaded or numb. Never to be torned between things.

Just a million miles away in between. Distance. Dust. And silence. At last.

human behavior at its best

Yes. If you deciphered that title. Good on you. I'm whining. Again.
This time, it's the irresponsible act of someone taking something without,
1) asking for permisson
2) returning it due date

Please, I beg of all you ppl who are out there reading this particular post right now. Please do not repeat this stupidty that causes inconviences to other ppl. It really irks ppl. Not a good way to make an impression.


ON A HAPPIER NOTE: I'm finally back home in Halifax. For those of you who have not been reading my previosu blog and start going, are you coming back to Malaysia? Read: BACK IN HALIFAX. (I was in Moncton earlier on...)
Own bed. Own guitar. See all my friends. Good times.

coming round the mountains when he comes...

I'm coming home. This, obviously isn't the best use of my time. But out of excitement, I felt that I had to announce to the world, tmrw, I go home to Halifax.

Halifax, Halifax,
Greater it is than Sussex,
Home tomorrow,
No more sorrow,
On my own bed I'll be.

Halifax, the small city,
For myself I had much pity,
But outside is worse,
Being away is a curse,
Tomorrow, home I'll be.

Never dreamed that ever,
That Halifax would be better,
And home I'll soon be,
So happy, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................

Poem by someone who's not quite sane at the moment.

when you no longer are yourself

No. This is not one of my emotional blogs. I'm not talking about personalities today. I'm talking about the mind.

A visit to some homes for the elderly and those with special needs raised an impt question in my mind today, which would you rather get? Dementia or cancer?
To lose one's mind and not no it, is scary. But at the same time, to have something eat you alive isn't the most exciting thing either. So, which would I rather? I rather not lose my mind and lose myself.

I was a little grieved, looking at pictures in the patients room. The life they use to have. If anything at all, my mind is what I am. I mean, every part of me is important. To lose functions of my body but have only my mind left, is also bad, but to totally lose your personality. If at all, any of your relatives try to converse with you, your loved ones, your response will only be a grunt or a 'eh' or something that's least intelligable. To not even know that you are in a childlike state.

Don't get me wrong, I do not pity these ppl. It's not that I'm evil. I just look at it at a different way. I respect them really. Because, I know I'm a coward. And if I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my years just sitting in a home, with my mind wandering and day after day, I can only sit and stare at the TV or at the wall, I would end my life first.

So, for all those folks out there who are dealing with dementia, my respects to you. May God bless you and shine on your face.