This is a quick message to everyone, I won't be online for the next 2 weeks. I guess it's a good time to prepare for my exams. My computer broke down. Yes, my faithful mac. Died, after only 2 years of service. Before all you mac haters say anything else, I'd like to clarify, never leave your laptop on for hours and hours if you are not using it. It's not a computer. Turn it off. Today when I came back to check some things online before running errands, I discovered that my faithful computer had died. Yes. Died. No warning, no slowing down. Just sudden death. I guess it's better this way, than to have to antcipate daily for my cmoputer to work. So yes. Email me if you want guys/girls. I won't be able to talk to any of you for a while. Hopefully I'll get studying done then in the next 2 weeks. My last stretch.
Sniff. Goodbye faithful white mac. You shall be remembered.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
limbo
"There are people who don't know Christ yet, and they are on the throne, and by faith, when they accept Christ, Christ is on the throne."
"But then there are those, who after accepting Christ, still sit on the throne. And this people are the ones who are caught in between. Not quite like the world because they know doing certain are wrong, but at the same time, their not quite christians, because Christ is not on their throne."
How true is that? Very. For me. I am like that second group. It's weird when someone says something and it rings so true. That is when you know you are heading the wrong way. I am that person, who started thinking about self again first before Christ, and wanted to join the world, but could not, because I knew some of the things were wrong. I guess it's hard to turn your back on the truth once you know it. It's hard for someone to convince you that 2+2 is not 4, because all your life you know that it is a fact that 2+2=4. To be in this position, is to be in limbo. Neither here nor there. It reminds me very much of the passage in revelations about the church of Loadicea.
Rev3:
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."
It's time to turn the tides and ask for forgiveness, hail Christ as king on the throne of my life. By faith.
Hebrews 11:
6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
"Faith is not something magical. Faith is doing things despite not knowing what may happen. Faith is doing things for God although you do not see Him, but yet you believe in HIm."
That was a good reminder of something I once thought i knew. Thanks Josh. I appreciate the talk we had. What was once hazy, is now clear.
"But then there are those, who after accepting Christ, still sit on the throne. And this people are the ones who are caught in between. Not quite like the world because they know doing certain are wrong, but at the same time, their not quite christians, because Christ is not on their throne."
How true is that? Very. For me. I am like that second group. It's weird when someone says something and it rings so true. That is when you know you are heading the wrong way. I am that person, who started thinking about self again first before Christ, and wanted to join the world, but could not, because I knew some of the things were wrong. I guess it's hard to turn your back on the truth once you know it. It's hard for someone to convince you that 2+2 is not 4, because all your life you know that it is a fact that 2+2=4. To be in this position, is to be in limbo. Neither here nor there. It reminds me very much of the passage in revelations about the church of Loadicea.
Rev3:
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."
It's time to turn the tides and ask for forgiveness, hail Christ as king on the throne of my life. By faith.
Hebrews 11:
6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
"Faith is not something magical. Faith is doing things despite not knowing what may happen. Faith is doing things for God although you do not see Him, but yet you believe in HIm."
That was a good reminder of something I once thought i knew. Thanks Josh. I appreciate the talk we had. What was once hazy, is now clear.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
goodbye my friend
Goodbye my friend. The one who did what was right in light of the perspectives of evil. Goodbye Mr Nice. It was nice knowing you. You made such an impact in my life, told me what was just, and to look towards eternity and not the 'now'.
But this friendship, this friendship could not hold me back. I can no longer associate with your purity.
For what is evil cannot be mixed with good. Not that I will do evil, but I find myself no longer capable of good. For what is the use of good if it is returned with evil. Only God hears my pleas, but yet it still happens.
I'm sorry my friend. You were good, but I no longer can be your friend. You were good to me, but all others were not. What good is selflessness, when you keep losing. Like the small little cut, it first loses a little blood. But more cuts, more trickling of blood, is not only irritating, it's draining. And today, I say, it is enough.
But this friendship, this friendship could not hold me back. I can no longer associate with your purity.
For what is evil cannot be mixed with good. Not that I will do evil, but I find myself no longer capable of good. For what is the use of good if it is returned with evil. Only God hears my pleas, but yet it still happens.
I'm sorry my friend. You were good, but I no longer can be your friend. You were good to me, but all others were not. What good is selflessness, when you keep losing. Like the small little cut, it first loses a little blood. But more cuts, more trickling of blood, is not only irritating, it's draining. And today, I say, it is enough.
u know u are... part 2
You know you can join fear factor and win, when you eat your cereal and you find that there's a roach floating in it. In all truth, I should NOT have eaten it, because when i first poured the cereal, a raoch jumped out. But, not wanting to waste the cereal, plus i didn't really have anything else to eat, I continued eating. First thing I noticed was that the cereal was soft, prob due to the one month of being opened and not touched. Then there were some crunchy bits (!!!???). Getting a little paranoid, I started looking into my bowl of cereal for signs of life. Alas, poor Mr Brownthing was dead and floating in my milk.
!!!!!
COugh cOuGh.. VomIT!
That was then, when I knew my apt was infested with cockroaches.
Oh wait. I already knew that.
!!!!!
COugh cOuGh.. VomIT!
That was then, when I knew my apt was infested with cockroaches.
Oh wait. I already knew that.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
u know u are...
You know you are really good at killing roaches when you've killed about 15 in one night alone. There may be even more. I don't know. My point is, there's just too many roaches in my apt, and there are only two hands of mine. I cannot keep killing these roaches, or can I ?
I've tried my best today to clean my apt, it's still in a mess. I no longer want to make more effort than I have to. I have thrown out the rubbish (not mine), send stuff to recycle (some are mine) and cleaned a little around the kitchen. Heck, if I feel generous, I'll do some more tmrw. But, in all honesty, I cannot wait to have my own apt one day, where I keep it clean and no one else can make a mess. It's simple.
Right now? I'll just keep killing roaches. The roaches just will have to tell their extended family members, that papa roach is sleeping with the fishes tonight, kepish?
Time to celebrate by going to bed. ZZZ
I've tried my best today to clean my apt, it's still in a mess. I no longer want to make more effort than I have to. I have thrown out the rubbish (not mine), send stuff to recycle (some are mine) and cleaned a little around the kitchen. Heck, if I feel generous, I'll do some more tmrw. But, in all honesty, I cannot wait to have my own apt one day, where I keep it clean and no one else can make a mess. It's simple.
Right now? I'll just keep killing roaches. The roaches just will have to tell their extended family members, that papa roach is sleeping with the fishes tonight, kepish?
Time to celebrate by going to bed. ZZZ
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
poor
The man woke up from his make shift bed of cardboxes and newspapers. Waking each morning didn't make a difference. There was nothing in the world he looked forward to. Disheveled, with the smell of heavy body odour mixed with dirt and garbage, people shot him looks as he walked the sidewalks of town.
Today was another day, he would go around collecting garbage cans and any recyclables he could find. That would mean digging up from bins along the way, and having the risk of being chased away by some shop keepers. They were not nice people and sometimes shooed him as if he was a dirty dog. Such was life for him. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. He was just living day by day, hoping that he'll make it through the next.
As he walked through the streets that morning, he passed by this building. This ashen gray building. Old and dusty. He noticed something different that morning. He usually passed it without much care, but today, something was really different. He stopped, he looked and finally it hit him. There was music. Soft at first, but more and more voices couuld be heard in unison. The voices were not only melodious, they were joyous!
"What could make so many people happy?" he muttered under his breath.
Was it a wedding? A party? What was so familiar about the singing, and yet he couldn't put a finger to it?
Curiousity got the better out of him and he approached the building. The voices were clearer now, but he still couldn't quite decipher the music and the words.
Should he open the door? Should he peek inside? What if someone were to come out and chase him with a broom. It's happened before. But to leave now, would leave him in curiousity for the rest of the day.
It wouldn't hurt. What's another broom to the head or another shrill scream?
He pushed the door, made it slightly ajar, just enough to peek through, and through that tiny little hole, he saw people singing. They were all dressed up. Happy singing songs. Something inside of him felt different. It was not the singing or the dressing that stirred something inside him. It was their faces. The serenity of it all spoke so much about a tired week, and finally getting relief. They were calm, happy eventhough some had tears down their cheeks.
He had been here before. Somehow. He couldn't remember. He wanted so badly to join them, but at the same time, he was so conscious about his appearance. He was dirty. Smelly. Which clean person in a suit would want to associate with him?
Never had he felt so ashamed. He knew then, he had lost himself all this years.
The question was, is it too late now ?
Today was another day, he would go around collecting garbage cans and any recyclables he could find. That would mean digging up from bins along the way, and having the risk of being chased away by some shop keepers. They were not nice people and sometimes shooed him as if he was a dirty dog. Such was life for him. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. He was just living day by day, hoping that he'll make it through the next.
As he walked through the streets that morning, he passed by this building. This ashen gray building. Old and dusty. He noticed something different that morning. He usually passed it without much care, but today, something was really different. He stopped, he looked and finally it hit him. There was music. Soft at first, but more and more voices couuld be heard in unison. The voices were not only melodious, they were joyous!
"What could make so many people happy?" he muttered under his breath.
Was it a wedding? A party? What was so familiar about the singing, and yet he couldn't put a finger to it?
Curiousity got the better out of him and he approached the building. The voices were clearer now, but he still couldn't quite decipher the music and the words.
Should he open the door? Should he peek inside? What if someone were to come out and chase him with a broom. It's happened before. But to leave now, would leave him in curiousity for the rest of the day.
It wouldn't hurt. What's another broom to the head or another shrill scream?
He pushed the door, made it slightly ajar, just enough to peek through, and through that tiny little hole, he saw people singing. They were all dressed up. Happy singing songs. Something inside of him felt different. It was not the singing or the dressing that stirred something inside him. It was their faces. The serenity of it all spoke so much about a tired week, and finally getting relief. They were calm, happy eventhough some had tears down their cheeks.
He had been here before. Somehow. He couldn't remember. He wanted so badly to join them, but at the same time, he was so conscious about his appearance. He was dirty. Smelly. Which clean person in a suit would want to associate with him?
Never had he felt so ashamed. He knew then, he had lost himself all this years.
The question was, is it too late now ?
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
the dream
Doctor, pressure is dropping to 60. Pulse is weak. O2 sats are down to 60%.
Quick two large bore IVs. Bolus 1L and start a regular IV of NS at 150ml/h. Change the nasal prongs to a face mask.
Are the pressors ready?
20 mins later...
Heart rate is at 72. BP at 100/70. Sats are up to 88%.
Alright. Good job team. Send him to the ICU with the RT.
--
Can I say conceited? Haha. Yes, I can. But a dream like this, being able to save lives, may be to much of a day dream and far too unrealistic, this, I can safely say is why I want to do medicine. I agree that aside from emerge docs, this is rare for more other docs.
But hey, what is life without dreams, goals and aspirations. We need something to push us forward daily. This is my encouragement for now. Looking forward and pushing towards this goal.
You know, I'm not ALL that conceited. Fortunately, I decided to save everyone the breath of muttering that I am conceited, SS (M'sian terminology) or perasan (another one), by not adding in parts like: and the handsome doctor bursts throught the doors or lines like, saaving lives.
Hahaha. ;)
Quick two large bore IVs. Bolus 1L and start a regular IV of NS at 150ml/h. Change the nasal prongs to a face mask.
Are the pressors ready?
20 mins later...
Heart rate is at 72. BP at 100/70. Sats are up to 88%.
Alright. Good job team. Send him to the ICU with the RT.
--
Can I say conceited? Haha. Yes, I can. But a dream like this, being able to save lives, may be to much of a day dream and far too unrealistic, this, I can safely say is why I want to do medicine. I agree that aside from emerge docs, this is rare for more other docs.
But hey, what is life without dreams, goals and aspirations. We need something to push us forward daily. This is my encouragement for now. Looking forward and pushing towards this goal.
You know, I'm not ALL that conceited. Fortunately, I decided to save everyone the breath of muttering that I am conceited, SS (M'sian terminology) or perasan (another one), by not adding in parts like: and the handsome doctor bursts throught the doors or lines like, saaving lives.
Hahaha. ;)
Saturday, August 12, 2006
stressed out
Ahh. Never in my life have I waited for a weekend like this. A weekend to break away from work and some books. Well. At least just for today.
An apartment all to myself and friends working or roommie going golfing for the weekend. No car to distract me from going out, no activities to do but stay home, relax and study.
Wait.
How is that supposedly good?
I have no idea.
As you can see, my blogs these days are mostly whine posts and nothing else. I'm sorry. I must apologize. It's that time of the year where I groan louder than the wolves howl at night.
*Too much work. GROAN*
*GR-GR- GROOOOOOOAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN*
'Scuse me a minute while I scratch behind my ear.
An apartment all to myself and friends working or roommie going golfing for the weekend. No car to distract me from going out, no activities to do but stay home, relax and study.
Wait.
How is that supposedly good?
I have no idea.
As you can see, my blogs these days are mostly whine posts and nothing else. I'm sorry. I must apologize. It's that time of the year where I groan louder than the wolves howl at night.
*Too much work. GROAN*
*GR-GR- GROOOOOOOAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN*
'Scuse me a minute while I scratch behind my ear.
Friday, August 11, 2006
where am i going?
I am truly confused. In the midst of all the work, studies and trying to make appointments for things, to missing home and family and friends, I'm uncertain where I'm going.
When you are tired, you go to sleep.
When you are hungry, you eat.
When you are dirty, you shower.
When you are bored, you find activities to do.
When you are lonely, you call your friends out.
When you feel it's too quiet, you turn the tv or the radio on.
When you feel like it's time for some music, you put your favorite tunes on.
BUT, when you are lost in life, what do you do ?
Obviously as a christian, you turn back to God.
To know that one needs God is just head knowledge. How do you implant it in the heart so that it'll always be there? Or are we humans so forgetful that we need constant reminders and challenges to remind us how much we need God ?
How desperate we are for Him and not vice versa?
Why oh why are we so blinded by the fact that it's that way?
Why do we procrastinate and say, there is time later? Or better yet, I don't have time now, I'm too busy?
Is God that unimportant to us that we leave Him for the last bits?
Imagine if God say, well, there's lots of time to love you, I'll leave that till the end, left us out in the cold and dark world.
I am so truly unworthy of His love, yet He is still there.
The shepherd that waits for that abandons all other sheeps just to look for that one sheep. Each time. Never angry. Always patient.
Aahh. If only.
If only it could sink into my heart, and remain there forever.
When you are tired, you go to sleep.
When you are hungry, you eat.
When you are dirty, you shower.
When you are bored, you find activities to do.
When you are lonely, you call your friends out.
When you feel it's too quiet, you turn the tv or the radio on.
When you feel like it's time for some music, you put your favorite tunes on.
BUT, when you are lost in life, what do you do ?
Obviously as a christian, you turn back to God.
To know that one needs God is just head knowledge. How do you implant it in the heart so that it'll always be there? Or are we humans so forgetful that we need constant reminders and challenges to remind us how much we need God ?
How desperate we are for Him and not vice versa?
Why oh why are we so blinded by the fact that it's that way?
Why do we procrastinate and say, there is time later? Or better yet, I don't have time now, I'm too busy?
Is God that unimportant to us that we leave Him for the last bits?
Imagine if God say, well, there's lots of time to love you, I'll leave that till the end, left us out in the cold and dark world.
I am so truly unworthy of His love, yet He is still there.
The shepherd that waits for that abandons all other sheeps just to look for that one sheep. Each time. Never angry. Always patient.
Aahh. If only.
If only it could sink into my heart, and remain there forever.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
another random blog
3.5 years of med school (4 if you want to count the 6 months of holidays I had while waiting to come abroad), and here I am. Devoid of most of my basic medical science, fighting to remember my clinical sciences, and what to do best once I figure out, the diagnosis for the patient. Now, I blame myself for such small brain, and the inability to store all the information I would like.
But that, is certainly beside the point isn't it? If I am able to diagnose correctly and treat accordingly, doing no harm in the process, I should be happy, or should I?
After a whole day of just snoozing (no idea as to why I'm so tired and am requiring more and more sleep this days - depression? haha), I find myself way behind schedule and unable to remember a lot of things I have supposedly studied.
I have no idea where this blog is going. Perhaps this one is my venting point. I remember waking up a few times and attempting to study today, but concentration evaded me, and sleep beckoned. And like the song of the siren that led sailors to their doom, I feel sleep is my end. So frustrated with myself, I went to work out to throughly channel all my distractions through the workout. It kinda worked out. I did a good few hours and here I am, at the end of my day, writing this down, before I go to sleep again.
I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I feel more at edge. Is it because I'm unable to study? Or is it just plain old me coming back? The worst fear I have, is I've forgotten my purpose.
To study to treat patients, or to study to pass my exams. One without the other is a failure. Which way do I go?
But that, is certainly beside the point isn't it? If I am able to diagnose correctly and treat accordingly, doing no harm in the process, I should be happy, or should I?
After a whole day of just snoozing (no idea as to why I'm so tired and am requiring more and more sleep this days - depression? haha), I find myself way behind schedule and unable to remember a lot of things I have supposedly studied.
I have no idea where this blog is going. Perhaps this one is my venting point. I remember waking up a few times and attempting to study today, but concentration evaded me, and sleep beckoned. And like the song of the siren that led sailors to their doom, I feel sleep is my end. So frustrated with myself, I went to work out to throughly channel all my distractions through the workout. It kinda worked out. I did a good few hours and here I am, at the end of my day, writing this down, before I go to sleep again.
I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I feel more at edge. Is it because I'm unable to study? Or is it just plain old me coming back? The worst fear I have, is I've forgotten my purpose.
To study to treat patients, or to study to pass my exams. One without the other is a failure. Which way do I go?
Sunday, August 06, 2006
the lover
In the calm of the evening
There you were
You never left
Just now, I see
When all has calmed
And all is quiet
You never stayed for the riches
You never wanted anything else
Just me
My passionate love for you
And when I turned my head away
You were never in dismay
Instead
You waited for my return
Every single day
You hoped that someday
I would walk back to you
You never demanded
You never chided
Of my absence
Instead, you commemerated
Each one of my presence there with you
And I could see, that I would always be
THe apple of your eye
No matter what wrong I've done
Thank you
Thank you for your love
Truely
Lord, YOU are the lover of my soul
There you were
You never left
Just now, I see
When all has calmed
And all is quiet
You never stayed for the riches
You never wanted anything else
Just me
My passionate love for you
And when I turned my head away
You were never in dismay
Instead
You waited for my return
Every single day
You hoped that someday
I would walk back to you
You never demanded
You never chided
Of my absence
Instead, you commemerated
Each one of my presence there with you
And I could see, that I would always be
THe apple of your eye
No matter what wrong I've done
Thank you
Thank you for your love
Truely
Lord, YOU are the lover of my soul
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
