grey

Today, was a good day. Being the last day in Indiana, I went out with one of the Malaysians here. We went shopping, altering her wedding gown, then lunch and more shopping. As always, I appreciate the chance to sit and talk about life, discuss about things that we face or have faced.

Prior to this, not too long ago, I used to be able to tell, instantly, whether it was wrong or right. These days however, these days, I'm not sure what falls within the shades of black and the spotless white. Matters have fallen into the grey area. I, no longer certain of what's right and wrong, can no longer place my opinion in matter as clearly as I used to.

As I step out more of the world that I used to know so well, the more unclear my vision, my line of sight on things, comes to a blur. I no longer tell someone, that something they do is wrong. I can only say, it's hard. It's hard to tell someone, that something they did, is not in keeping with God's law. Maybe after a while, after feeling like one as fallen, they can't tell between what's right and what's wrong. Or they don't want. How can the wrong judge the wrong? Or even at that correct the wrong? Or is it because one becomes more and more nonchalant, and just isn't bothered. Or perhaps, it's because, as you grow old, you become less and less passionate about the things around you, only in the things that involve you.

Which?

On a brighter note, I bought myself a french press. Good coffee coming my way. Soon. Good book, Good music. Now good coffee.

travellin'

Goodbye girl. Gone to see the world,
Out to see everything but me.
Your letters aint coming that much any more
Your letters aint coming at all.

I've been to Memphis; I've been to Rome,
But because you were here, I came back home.
Now I'm not trying to place any blame
But I came back for you now I'd expect you do the same.

Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.

Good-bye girl gone to see the world,
Out to see every thing you choose
Now it's becoming so clear
That your feet are planted deep
In your travellin' shoes

Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.
-Matt Mays: Travellin'

Life as it is. Travelling all over. Stopping at places only for a few years, then moving on. I'm honestly looking forward to the day, I'm more permanent in one place.

when i grow up i want to be...

When we were young, every once in a while, we get asked by our parents, by their friends, what we want to be when we grow up.

Astronaut. Taxi driver. Doctor. Teacher. Lawyer. Singer. Comic artist. Fireman. Engineer. Policeman. Garbage collector. Businessman. Superhero. Etc etc etc.

Some of us more fixed with what we want to do, some not as certain until the last year where applications are due, and most people are just baffled with what they want to do. While some put serious thoughts into the longer run of things, some, some dabble on things of today, or rather, things in the shorter run.

I for one, during highschool, always wanted to be in the 'popular' crowd. Of what I now think as the most awkward years of anyone's life (at least mine), I still have no idea why I had no better sense then to avoid such a silly notion (of wanting to be popular).
I remember, trying to hang out with the popular group, making sure I get invited into all the groups outings, knowing what there is to know, and what is needed to be known if one is to be recognized as one of them in the group. Dressing in 'cool' clothes, speaking in codes that only group members understood.

Silly isn't it? If the I, the current me, was in that position 10 years ago, I would have learned not to opt for the superficial things, but choice things that matter. In the long run anyways.

Today, I find myself more cautious, asking myself each time I do something, what's the drive or the purpose behind the thought and action. I have to ensure, it's not for reasons that are of no benefit to me.

Sometimes, I wish I could think more longitudinally and laterally at the same time. But then, I would be a god wouldn't I ? Today, I have to choose, not just for tomorrow, but the days that follow. Be it job, be it any kind of work or relationships.

p/s: .... i want to be a greatly skilled general surgeon ;)

prevention

Holding a hot kettle not by its handle, will teach you to hold it by its the next time.
Crashing your parents car when you are semi high will teach you, never drink and drive ever again.
Failling your exam, will teach you to study harder for future exams.
Making so many mistakes, in relationships with the opposite sex, will teach you to back off until you know you are totally ready.
Being mistreated by people whom you call friends, will teach you not to go near them, but to avoid them at all costs.
Failure to forge whatever it is that needs to be made, will teach you, sometimes, to never ever try again.

However unfortunate it is sometimes, it's hard to fight against the tides of fate, which seems to have the upper hand in everything. No luck, no love, no cash - really can make one's life very very frustrating.

Luckily, I don't gamble or am in a relationship. Phew.

Sometimes, I'm amazed at how so many people have so much energy to fight on. If it were me? I'd give up. Hey. Better to prevent then to go through hurt, no ?

patience

Ah. Patience. The past few days, with the short, but expressive few posts, there was a certain amount of escalating anger in me. A long time ago, I remember trying to work it out, to be a more patient person. But just as of late, I find myself getting angry over the smallest thing, and I started becoming very quick to judge, and very quick to throw a fit.

This weekend, I spent time with a senior from medical school, who had her boyfriend's neice over staying with them. I was amazed to see how patient and well they worked in controlling her behavior. No frustrations despite the little girls tantrums and at the same no compromise. I was amazed to see how two people, about my age, are caring for a 5 year old.

It brings me back to the whole point of being more patient, being less selfless. Not that I want to have a kid anytime soon (I don't think I can bear the responsibilities nor can I sacrifice buying what I want vs what the other person needs. Am I anywhere close? I don't know. I don't know if I really want to find out either.

The new mantra on top of 'have to be single' is - 'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.

'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.

dog lover / dog hater?

Imagine innocently walking around in the house that you are living in (you may add skipping and humming some innocent tune), and suddenly, someone's dog pounces on you, with it's sharp nails and starts treating your toes like they are chinese sausages or something. Stupid dog keeps on trying to nibble on them.

For goodness sakes already, they ain't lap cheong but the friggin dog isn't able to tell the difference.

I'm kinda getting sick of the dog that's brought in by the owner's friend. It's 6 months old, it's untrained, and the owner leaves it locked in a room behind the kitchen when she goes off to work. How is that going to help train the dog be any better? I think it's making it worse. I think the dog gets very very lonely during the day, and when it's finally out, it goes all crazy for attention.

Argh.

I seriously want to strangle the dog.... and not take responsibility for it. Can?

On brigther side of things, I managed to occupy my time today by going to borders. However, not having my camera meant I couldn't take pics of the scenery near the mall, which is a gigantic monument erected after civil war. I vow to return for pics. AND, I bought myself a book to past the time. Wicked. Hope it will be a good read. Or else, I'll just use it to smack the dog. Tee hee hee.

pissed off

Man. Why do people twist your intentions around? When you try to be nice and bring a topic into conversation over the sake of conversation, and of some small idea that someday you want to do something nice for that person, why has it to turn to a target for insults?

It makes me question, if it's worth at all trying to put other people ahead of myself. TIMES like this, I really want to tell ppl to simply bugger off, and that I will try to survive on my own.

In case you cannot already tell. I am boiling. I am boiling because I don't want to take insults anymore. Sure, I'm not the brightest guy when it comes to certain things, but don't have to insult what I'm trying to offer.

ARGH. DIRECT RANT ON THE BLOG.

I need to go punch some things and then scream.

tomorrow

who knows what tomorrow brings
who knows if the decisions we make today
will make us regret tomorrow
we live each day like there's no tomorrow
without thinking about the consequences
without thinking about the outcomes
when you live like you are in a dream
you want to stay dreaming
you don't want to wake up
when you dream a nightmare
you want to wake up
but you wake into the horrors of life
so today
today love the people you should love
forgive the people you hate
make peace with the ones you fought with
for who knows
who knows what tomorrow brings
that on your death bed
you may forget, but more likely
you will remember
and to regret...
let's not leave it for tomorrow
live today as it is for tomorrow

criticism

It's hard to be a critic sometimes, and it's hard to receive criticism. I'm sure everyone (definitely including I) prefer to be on the giving end.

Today, I watched as a fellow colleague get yelled at for a mistake he made. Bear in mind, we are students, and as much as possible, we should have least mistakes as possible, but with so many things in medicine, it's impossible at times to not make a mistake.

Well, diverting away from today's incident and talking on a more general term, I think about myself, and as much as possible, I try not to criticize. Unfortunately, I still do. (I know I know, some of you are giving me that look, with a smirk on your face.)

While growing up, I faced a lot of harsh criticism, and for the better of it, I've grown to check myself often to make sure that I don't make certain mistakes. It's sad though that sometimes I think myself, too bad I'm not extraordinarily good at this particular thing, or else I would totally be arrogant about it and someone would get bad criticism if I caught them doing it wrong. Haha. (That's why God made me the way I am, so that I'd be humble.)

These days, I'm learning to critisize in a manner that's more building. Every once in a while, I forget, and I blow or act like a spoilt brat/contipated man.

This was something I caught in the clinic I was working at, and I think it's a very good reminder of who we are and what we all go through.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato

Tak laku

Tak laku.

The malaysian term meaning, basically, not hot stuff, not coverted, not wanted.

MAN, is it ever hard to sell yourself to the world. No, not as in sell your soul spirit body.
I mean as in trying to get people to take you in, be it a programme, or a job, or as a friend, or an associate etc.

The past few days, it's just been me trying to find out what's next on the list on, how do I get myself somewhere today? It's truly like a tease. Like a million bucks just an inch away from you, all yours if you can get it. IF you can get it. If the inch thick glass is to be that easily broken into.

Yes. My pessimism is getting to me. All I'm trying to do is get a job after I've graduated. Looks like, life really ain't all that easy at all.

Not the "beg and please" like when we were young. If you beg enough times, you might just get what you want. No "beg and please" here. Just "all you have", your "CV" and perhaps your "outstanding qualifications".


In Malaysia, the term tak laku, often is followed by sau tong or sau pei.

Which should I do? Save skin? Or close shop?



......... gambate/ chia yu/ ka yau ???

new year in Indianopolis

It's 6am in Indianapolis, and I'm back, after a new year's eve party and sending a fellow friend to the airport, just before I go to bed, and before the sun rises, I sit and reminisce 2006.

A year of great tiumphs and tribulations.
I managed to finish year 3, despite bumps along the way.
I found friends that I'm closer and can relate to.
I'm a little better at the guitar.
I'm a little more confident, a little more outspoken.
I mangaged to settle in.

But,
I miss my family.
I'm uncertain of my future.
I still procrastinate.
I'm still not as brave as I would like to be.
I find that I'm still most of the time, in between things, not knowing what I want exactly, and still torn between two worlds.

Torn btwn two worlds. I'm too good to be bad, and too bad to be good. I want to be in righteousness, but sometimes, I crave to do the wrong things. Ah. What a confusion.

What will 2007 bring?
More effort to work harder, like I always promise myself? Time to truly change and go all out for studies? If I really want to come to the states, I've got to work harder than I am right now.

NO more games, no more time wasting, need to utilize every moment that I have for my own benefit. Be it studies, be it diversifying thyself, I need to work on it.

NEED to.

Will I? Can I?

365 days to tell, whether I can truly change with pure iron determination.