It has been more than a year, since I have been in any kind of BG relationship. No crushes, no attempts, no relationships. I would have to say, it's been a long while since I've been this 'free'. This happened mostly because I realised that, now is really not a good time. I took the time to convince myself that there are more important things to do for now, and being in a relationship can really impede that.
Of course, among some of those important things, I've only done half of them, but I will leave that out for another day.
Now, in the past few weeks/months, it's been heavily weighing on my mind. To do or not to do, that is the question. And to do what? To actualyl start looking of course!
However, what also comes to mind each time I think about this, are a couple of things.
You know how, since Jerry Maguire, people use the words "You complete me", every so often just to win the opposite sex's love/attention etc. And I know people who think the exact same way, including me (in the past). Then I came to realise, not one single human can do that, or should do that. You see, the whole better half idea, is... well, wrong. We are all supposed to be complete beings in Christ. So, my whole idea of finding someone for companionship or because I am lonely, doesn't work.
There is also this thought, that I'm still too selfish at this moment. If I can't give without thinking about myself, I consider myself to be selfish. I think if I can't give enough in a relationship, it's once again, I would be in a relationship for the wrong reasons: like wanting a girlfriend just because and for no particular reason.
Lastly, lust is a big issue which I have to overcome. I'm not saying that I must be 100% clear and pure in my thoughts, but as much as possible, I need to look and speak to a woman with proper respect. (Hope that didn't come out funny).
After all said and done, if the right person comes along, I'm definitely going to make my move, but until then? I'll continue improving and growing in certain aspects.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
choosing
First of all, I had to choose between topics. Anyway, instead of writing another whine post about myself, I decided to write about some thoughts, fresh from my mind in the past few days (waitaminute, that's not so fresh now isit?).
Just a recollection of responses, that I get from people when I respond in a certain fashion to certain situations.
"Haha. That's so mean Ian."
"Oh, I'm not mean enough, let's get Ian to call, maybe he can get a better compensation out of this."
Or just the popular stare, and a response that goes like this:
"......"
Yes, all those times I plainly responded that I was merely being blunt, and that was who I was. I like being truthful, and sometimes, it irks me so much that I cannot swallow it. Pride? Perhaps, but honestly, I do like to speak what's off my mind. Of course not in all situations, especially when I know I can't worm my way out of it. But sometimes, I'm less careful with matters, and I let it slip off my tongue.
SOMETIMES, I can feel it coming from the back of my head, like a small cloud rising from the horizon, brewing into a storm. Or something to that extent.
Honestly, with comments like those coming up, I don't think it's so cool anymore to respond the way I do. But to keep quiet or say something some other way, feels like a lie to me. I guess matters can be put more delicately, and not as harsh. Or can it?
Just a recollection of responses, that I get from people when I respond in a certain fashion to certain situations.
"Haha. That's so mean Ian."
"Oh, I'm not mean enough, let's get Ian to call, maybe he can get a better compensation out of this."
Or just the popular stare, and a response that goes like this:
"......"
Yes, all those times I plainly responded that I was merely being blunt, and that was who I was. I like being truthful, and sometimes, it irks me so much that I cannot swallow it. Pride? Perhaps, but honestly, I do like to speak what's off my mind. Of course not in all situations, especially when I know I can't worm my way out of it. But sometimes, I'm less careful with matters, and I let it slip off my tongue.
SOMETIMES, I can feel it coming from the back of my head, like a small cloud rising from the horizon, brewing into a storm. Or something to that extent.
Honestly, with comments like those coming up, I don't think it's so cool anymore to respond the way I do. But to keep quiet or say something some other way, feels like a lie to me. I guess matters can be put more delicately, and not as harsh. Or can it?
Sunday, October 22, 2006
seperation
After reading a friend's blog (yes, Deb, it's yours), I had started thinking about my own life and my friendships. In the past few years, wherever I've been have not been for very long.
Initially, when iw as about to leave highschool, I was pleased to be able to move on (bad experience, what else) as I really wanted to start fresh and go to the capital. The city, the lights. I was like a moth attracted to the flames. Haha.
I started college in KL, and that lasted for 1.5 years. The friendships I made, didn't last very long past post college. I guess everyone kind of went on their seperate ways, and we all moved on. I then started life in university, and for the first 2 years, it was good, hung out with certain few ppl, then something happened again, but thankfully I made new good friends, and was close to some other friends who were in the same church. THESE friends that I had made in the last few years were very close and dear to me. I made every single effort that I could (limited as it is) to keep in touch. Emails, phone calls and what not.
More than a year away, I feel already like I'm at home in Halifax, and all my other friends? I've almost lost touch. Supposedly my best friend, and someone I relate very well to, has stopped writing. 10 mths. Yet, everytime I call, I get a promise that I'll get an email soon.
Well, sounds like a sour post, but that isn't what I'm trying to convey. My thoughts exactly is that, in about 7 mths time I'll be leaving Halifax. The friends that I have made here, will soon be a distant memory. No, I don't say this to diss anyone, but seriously, I have no faith in long distance friendships, relationships and what not. Everyone gets to busy, and soon enough, we've all moved on.
Don't we all? I don't know.
I guess sometimes, we all want to feel important. Not to the point that ppl are unable to funcation without me being around, but to some point, to miss me enough to want to share news with me, and send mail or call. Doesn't happen very often with me. I know some of you do it, and I'm really thankful (although I may sometimes sound like I do not welcome your calls, I really do).
I look forward to the day where I can settle in one spot, where all my friends are. Unfortunately, I do not see myself doing that anytime soon.
Initially, when iw as about to leave highschool, I was pleased to be able to move on (bad experience, what else) as I really wanted to start fresh and go to the capital. The city, the lights. I was like a moth attracted to the flames. Haha.
I started college in KL, and that lasted for 1.5 years. The friendships I made, didn't last very long past post college. I guess everyone kind of went on their seperate ways, and we all moved on. I then started life in university, and for the first 2 years, it was good, hung out with certain few ppl, then something happened again, but thankfully I made new good friends, and was close to some other friends who were in the same church. THESE friends that I had made in the last few years were very close and dear to me. I made every single effort that I could (limited as it is) to keep in touch. Emails, phone calls and what not.
More than a year away, I feel already like I'm at home in Halifax, and all my other friends? I've almost lost touch. Supposedly my best friend, and someone I relate very well to, has stopped writing. 10 mths. Yet, everytime I call, I get a promise that I'll get an email soon.
Well, sounds like a sour post, but that isn't what I'm trying to convey. My thoughts exactly is that, in about 7 mths time I'll be leaving Halifax. The friends that I have made here, will soon be a distant memory. No, I don't say this to diss anyone, but seriously, I have no faith in long distance friendships, relationships and what not. Everyone gets to busy, and soon enough, we've all moved on.
Don't we all? I don't know.
I guess sometimes, we all want to feel important. Not to the point that ppl are unable to funcation without me being around, but to some point, to miss me enough to want to share news with me, and send mail or call. Doesn't happen very often with me. I know some of you do it, and I'm really thankful (although I may sometimes sound like I do not welcome your calls, I really do).
I look forward to the day where I can settle in one spot, where all my friends are. Unfortunately, I do not see myself doing that anytime soon.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
simple things in life
"It's the simple things in life we forget
You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said
Why do you make something so easy so complicated
Searching for what's right in front of your face
But you can't see it."
---Usher----
Well, my life is not quite like that, but I was thinking about this today, when I managed my first IV without help. Yes, it's pathetic that a 4th year medical student jumps for joy when he puts in an IV successfully, but what can I do? I have not been able to put in successful IV's in the past few attempts. Hopefully in the next 2 weeks, I will be able to do more excellent/awesome/wonderful/top dog IVs in patients. WOo hoo. Then I can jump in the air, skew my body to the side and tap my heels, and go: 'TOP DOG DAT ONE'.
Anyhow, what I mean to say in this post, and I think most of you would get by now is that, it's so easy to miss out simple things like that and not be thankful. [See, I can be thankful ;) ] Just a reminder to myself, to be thankful for all the little things, including every single nook and cranny on my waffle. Haha. Just joking.
You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said
Why do you make something so easy so complicated
Searching for what's right in front of your face
But you can't see it."
---Usher----
Well, my life is not quite like that, but I was thinking about this today, when I managed my first IV without help. Yes, it's pathetic that a 4th year medical student jumps for joy when he puts in an IV successfully, but what can I do? I have not been able to put in successful IV's in the past few attempts. Hopefully in the next 2 weeks, I will be able to do more excellent/awesome/wonderful/top dog IVs in patients. WOo hoo. Then I can jump in the air, skew my body to the side and tap my heels, and go: 'TOP DOG DAT ONE'.
Anyhow, what I mean to say in this post, and I think most of you would get by now is that, it's so easy to miss out simple things like that and not be thankful. [See, I can be thankful ;) ] Just a reminder to myself, to be thankful for all the little things, including every single nook and cranny on my waffle. Haha. Just joking.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
one too many things
When the mind is in a blur, and one knows not but to think about himself and his loneliness, what else can he do? He thinks about it day and night.
Yes Bern, get over it. But you of all people know sometimes somethings are not easily gotten over. I don't have to give examples now do I ? ;)
Thanks for the concern and advice, friends. I have come to realise, it's been an integral part of me to be so melancholic, sometimes so much so, it would seem like I'm basking in my own sadness. Sounds really, overdramatic. I guess that's why I sing 'All by myself' so much. Not because I am alone (although, I do feel lonely at times), it's because I overdramatize my sadness. (Or am I?)
Thinking about the past few weeks and thinking about the posts that I wrote, I wonder if I just sometimes enjoy it a little too much, being miserable. Maybe I like self pity. Maybe I like to wallow in self pity. Who knows?
My only explaination is that, I am like that. It's not that I'm proud to be a pessimist, or to sound so depressed. I guess I'm just like that? Can't quite seem to change the dim outlook to life...
Maybe I need to dim sum (dim some... geddit? hahahaha..... *silence*)
:p
Yes Bern, get over it. But you of all people know sometimes somethings are not easily gotten over. I don't have to give examples now do I ? ;)
Thanks for the concern and advice, friends. I have come to realise, it's been an integral part of me to be so melancholic, sometimes so much so, it would seem like I'm basking in my own sadness. Sounds really, overdramatic. I guess that's why I sing 'All by myself' so much. Not because I am alone (although, I do feel lonely at times), it's because I overdramatize my sadness. (Or am I?)
Thinking about the past few weeks and thinking about the posts that I wrote, I wonder if I just sometimes enjoy it a little too much, being miserable. Maybe I like self pity. Maybe I like to wallow in self pity. Who knows?
My only explaination is that, I am like that. It's not that I'm proud to be a pessimist, or to sound so depressed. I guess I'm just like that? Can't quite seem to change the dim outlook to life...
Maybe I need to dim sum (dim some... geddit? hahahaha..... *silence*)
:p
Thursday, October 12, 2006
when life hands you a lemon
In view of my recent outbursts of rubbish written, I have decided to write more substantial.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Ah, a saying I suspect so famililar to most. When I think of that, or I hear about that, I then respond: Where do I get the juicer? Sugar? Glasses?
You see, I'm always the pessimist, and I find most times, hard to believe my good fortune, and I begin questioning everything else that I have and get.
For instance, getting into 4th year, is so surreal. Am I really here?
Sometimes, I question the things around me.
Problem with this kind of attitude is, sometimes, things can get very very lonely. When you question everything, it's hard to trust people and connecting to people can be on a very superficial basis only. I don't know who is reading my blog, and who will be offended by this statement, but think about it, if I'm your friend, and you mine, how much do we know about each other? Or can we all think about the good times only and how to entertain each other? How much of my friendship is about helping someone when they really need my help? Or vice versa? Or am I a user of people?
Honestly, can someone tell me what they think? I'd really like to know? Am I just some guy who is there when there is fun, or am I one who would stick with his friends through thick and thin? Or, am I a guy, who plainly uses people?
Confession: I feel like I'm selfish, and I use people. That's why, in my deepest sadest moments, no one knows why or what I'm feeling.
Sad, in a twisted way, sometimes, I'm not any more bothered.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Ah, a saying I suspect so famililar to most. When I think of that, or I hear about that, I then respond: Where do I get the juicer? Sugar? Glasses?
You see, I'm always the pessimist, and I find most times, hard to believe my good fortune, and I begin questioning everything else that I have and get.
For instance, getting into 4th year, is so surreal. Am I really here?
Sometimes, I question the things around me.
Problem with this kind of attitude is, sometimes, things can get very very lonely. When you question everything, it's hard to trust people and connecting to people can be on a very superficial basis only. I don't know who is reading my blog, and who will be offended by this statement, but think about it, if I'm your friend, and you mine, how much do we know about each other? Or can we all think about the good times only and how to entertain each other? How much of my friendship is about helping someone when they really need my help? Or vice versa? Or am I a user of people?
Honestly, can someone tell me what they think? I'd really like to know? Am I just some guy who is there when there is fun, or am I one who would stick with his friends through thick and thin? Or, am I a guy, who plainly uses people?
Confession: I feel like I'm selfish, and I use people. That's why, in my deepest sadest moments, no one knows why or what I'm feeling.
Sad, in a twisted way, sometimes, I'm not any more bothered.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
moving on
Lately, this is my recurrent theme. LATELY, all I can ever think about is moving on. When I was younger and I had many problems, I used to think, just a few more months and I'm off to the next place.
Obviously, I wasn't the best person to sit down and sort through my problems, and instead of carrying out peace talks to resolve situations, I run. I think, until now, I'm still not far off.
Now faced with uncertainty, all I want to do is to run off to somewhere else and the next phase. It's even weirder when you feel settled but it's time to move on again. I believe in my life, it'll be a long while before I settle and call some place home. Truth is, I don't want to move to another place anymore. The stability of things would be good for my soul.
Where am I going? The fog before my path gives me no certainty, and obviously I am just plain stuck. Lost without a map. One day at a time, perhaps ?
Obviously, I wasn't the best person to sit down and sort through my problems, and instead of carrying out peace talks to resolve situations, I run. I think, until now, I'm still not far off.
Now faced with uncertainty, all I want to do is to run off to somewhere else and the next phase. It's even weirder when you feel settled but it's time to move on again. I believe in my life, it'll be a long while before I settle and call some place home. Truth is, I don't want to move to another place anymore. The stability of things would be good for my soul.
Where am I going? The fog before my path gives me no certainty, and obviously I am just plain stuck. Lost without a map. One day at a time, perhaps ?
Saturday, October 07, 2006
lately
Lately, there so many streams of thoughts in my mind, I feel like it's time to shut it down. That's unfortunate, because it seems like I'm getting very selfish. Getting worldly as per many ppl. I feel like I want to do the things I want to do, and not what other people want me to do.
The steep moral decline.
Seriously, remind me again, why I have to do certain things. I mean, yeah be nice, do good. But we all know, and I think I've said this so many times, it's like a tattoo in my brain, that's God's right, and worldly standards, basically.
Where do I stand? I have no idea.
Yeap, the moral decline.
Somewhat, my stands on not drinking alcohol has somewhat eroded. I've started drinking wine. And I keep wanting to try more, just to know. Be a wine snob. Be able to tell one from the other.
Be nice? Sure. Depends who it is. Be generally nice, but mutter under your breath when you are unhappy. (Well, not quite yet actually.)
The unforunate-ness of being nice, being taken advantage. So sick of that. How much more can I tolerate? NO idea.
My choices, my ideas. My pathway. The problem is the word 'my'. It's become more and more 'all about me'.
No, this is not a sympathy post. Just me merely expressing thyself.
The steep moral decline.
Seriously, remind me again, why I have to do certain things. I mean, yeah be nice, do good. But we all know, and I think I've said this so many times, it's like a tattoo in my brain, that's God's right, and worldly standards, basically.
Where do I stand? I have no idea.
Yeap, the moral decline.
Somewhat, my stands on not drinking alcohol has somewhat eroded. I've started drinking wine. And I keep wanting to try more, just to know. Be a wine snob. Be able to tell one from the other.
Be nice? Sure. Depends who it is. Be generally nice, but mutter under your breath when you are unhappy. (Well, not quite yet actually.)
The unforunate-ness of being nice, being taken advantage. So sick of that. How much more can I tolerate? NO idea.
My choices, my ideas. My pathway. The problem is the word 'my'. It's become more and more 'all about me'.
No, this is not a sympathy post. Just me merely expressing thyself.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
a new phase in life
It's the new phase. It's 4th year. Although I still have to meet the unit head in regards to my marks, it's basically 4th year. I cannot thank God enough. No more days of worrying, no more days of cursing myself for making silly mistakes. I'm learning. Truely I am, from making stupid diagnosis.
All I can think about now, is getting a job, and giving some back to my parents. They have indeed given me much. Of course, my sister too (because she is reading this :p KIDDING!). Honestly, I would like to make enough money to have my parents live comfortably. Yes, it's weird. I don't know where I get this strong sense of filial peity, but all I can say is that, God would want me to honor my parents. That's why everytime I hear about the elderly being sent to a home, I think to myself, how can people do that? Just a different culture eh ?
Now that I have so much of my mind, I think about everything else. The other thing on my mind is, the news today.
1) There are so many killings in schools.
2) So many sexual offences, and different kinds too.
Does it sound familiar? Like Sodom and Gomorrah?
Right. Sorry. As you can see, passing exams, make me skip from one topic to another.
OH NO! Flight of thoughts! :p
All I can think about now, is getting a job, and giving some back to my parents. They have indeed given me much. Of course, my sister too (because she is reading this :p KIDDING!). Honestly, I would like to make enough money to have my parents live comfortably. Yes, it's weird. I don't know where I get this strong sense of filial peity, but all I can say is that, God would want me to honor my parents. That's why everytime I hear about the elderly being sent to a home, I think to myself, how can people do that? Just a different culture eh ?
Now that I have so much of my mind, I think about everything else. The other thing on my mind is, the news today.
1) There are so many killings in schools.
2) So many sexual offences, and different kinds too.
Does it sound familiar? Like Sodom and Gomorrah?
Right. Sorry. As you can see, passing exams, make me skip from one topic to another.
OH NO! Flight of thoughts! :p
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I am officially a fourth year medical student
Yes. Thank God. God is awesome. God is my provider. Thank God.
I passed my exam. A marginal pass, but still a pass. Thank God.
Thanks to all who prayed and believed in me more than I did in myself.
I passed my exam. A marginal pass, but still a pass. Thank God.
Thanks to all who prayed and believed in me more than I did in myself.
in a sea of milk
Ah. Another post call day. Today, I had to go to another hospital and came back by bus. Saint John actually has some nice spots. King's square is pretty nice. Nice park anyways.
Bus went from stop to stop, and as always, it was interesting to be on the bus. Different types of characters and what not on the bus. Funny, quirky, interesting and sometimes rude. Finally, it came to the bus stop where there were SO MANY chinses ppl. Suddenly the bus was crowded with custard(?!), okay, I meant yellow people. I felt so out of place. Weird isn't it?
Me, being a chinese felt weird being among chinese. I felt so out of place, I felt like a foreigner! Crap. It only means that I'm SO used to living in this country, I have totally forgotten about other colored skin ppl besides white and black. Seriously. It's so rare to see yellow (or at least HUGE amounts of yellow). I think I've come to the point where I think I'm white. Yikes.
The custard that turned to milk! :p
Bus went from stop to stop, and as always, it was interesting to be on the bus. Different types of characters and what not on the bus. Funny, quirky, interesting and sometimes rude. Finally, it came to the bus stop where there were SO MANY chinses ppl. Suddenly the bus was crowded with custard(?!), okay, I meant yellow people. I felt so out of place. Weird isn't it?
Me, being a chinese felt weird being among chinese. I felt so out of place, I felt like a foreigner! Crap. It only means that I'm SO used to living in this country, I have totally forgotten about other colored skin ppl besides white and black. Seriously. It's so rare to see yellow (or at least HUGE amounts of yellow). I think I've come to the point where I think I'm white. Yikes.
The custard that turned to milk! :p
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