deliberation

How many things that you have done today is out of deliberation? As in you planned to do it and knew what the outcome was, that you were certain this was what you wanted to do in the first place.

I ask myself, how many times have I done something out of deliberation for God. I know, some of you must be thinking: "What another topic about God?".
Well, the thing is, for all those who are christians, the reason as to why I'm thinking this, is because it's christmas. No, it's not because Christ was born. I mean not just that, but this is the time everyone's rushing around to buy gifts correct? So anxious to complete their shopping list, that they've forgot why christmas is celebrated anyway.

So, how many times have you given unto the Lord or done something in deliberation for Him? I'm not talking about giving one tenth of your money to the church, and neither am I talking about devoting your life to God's word. I'm merely saying, when was the last time, when God said: "Child, don't do this" , you obeyed and did exactly as you were told.
I won't point fingers. I myself am guilty of this. Many and many times over, I have disobeyed. I can't even give a full pledged obedience to God. Sometimes, I do so many things, I feel I have diluted the power of the cross with my sins. I feel so awful, yet no where to turn and no where to hide.

I need God's saving grace.

Last night, I knelt by my bedside, and cried out to God for help. I knew I could not carry on like this. I needed His saving grace. His mercy, His endless love. I bowed my head in shame and uttered words so soft only God could hear.

I need you, Lord. Please forgive me and help me change. I don't want to stop running for You. Give me strength, courage and wisdom. But most imptly, let me be in Your presence, always.

christmas

Ahh... all the christmas shopping. So many hours spent in the shopping centre and yet, I've not completed buying the presents and what not. More money down the drain... haha.

Anyway, that's not the original intent for the content in this blog. I watched narnia today, and for all those of you who don't know, it's a parallel to the christian world. Yes, after alice in wonderland, C.S Lewis became christian, and his writings were very in tuned with the christian world.

The lion, the witch and the wardrobe. (warning: spoiler ahead!!!)

How else can I elaborate this better? I'm not sure myself. From the moment the kids stepped into narnia, I started to associate everything with us (christians).
Aselan (is that the correct spelling?) is basically God, the witch is the devil and the kids are like humans (doh!)

Narnia is basically like the world, and I guess the winter in narnia was basically like all the troubles that we go through in this world. Really appeared to be like the end times. People of narnia was not just suffering from the cold, but were afraid of the witch. Some would do things just to save their own hind, not thinking about the consequences of their actions.

When the boy (Edmund) was tempted to betray his own family for Turkish Delight, I really felt that we all do that sometimes. We give up what's right for things that we find so pleasurable. Even when we know it'll make things worse.
Then came the eldest, when asked to help out, he gave all sorts of excuses; ' oh I'm only a boy' or 'I only want to save my brother'.Doesn't that sound like us when asked to help out in church or reach out to other ppl?

In short, I felt it is a really powerful story. The bit when Aselan sacrificed himself for Edmund (because Edmund had betrayed them and the witch had claimed his life- like the devil who claims all sinners into his dominion), it was really like Christ dying for us. Potrayed very well. Of course, no one would have known this, unless it was explained.

My last msg: all u christians out there, bring your non-christian friend to this movie, and explain to them the scenes after the movie. Good outreach. :)

family

When things are not quite the way you want it to be, it's always good to have someone, or ppl that will cheer u on.
It's not quite the same when everyone's 92749503474939 miles away from you. All nicely snugged at home, when you're in a blistering cold country, with your ears feeling like it's going to fall down when you walk to the hospital.

RIght.

I just wanted to post two pics here. Tribute to the ppl who meant most to me back home (after family of course)... and of my best bud. Her birthday was not too long ago. She's turned 23. Erppp..... still not too old. If you're reading this, PLEASE make sure there isn't any wedding bells b4 I get home. Marriage can wait, best friends can't. Oh wait. That doesn't sound rite. Hmmmm...

Anyhow, I want to get emotional here and thank you for your friendship. I think your are the only one who saw me crying public the most. Thanks for the shoulder. I appreciate all the times u were really there when I was really down in the dumps and had no one to talk to. Of all ppl, and of good friends, I think you are the one who understands me the best. I wonder if I'm so emotional now because I have an exam on Sat, and this feels like impending doom. Haha. Anyhow. I'd also like to shout out to all those in the pic. Some whom I've lost contact with.... like Raymond... jeez.. it's kinda sad that all of us went out ways, but may our friendship never part, cause your friendship is not just another of my relationships with a friend. You peeps are like family to me. Jon, Aiky, Lena, Esther, Wen Hao, Jeng (who's not in the pic... hmmm), Ray ray, Jonny boy, Bern... don't forget me ya :)


Ally and me, unable to decide who's the better friend... haha

We are family... ?!?!?! :)

2 more days

2 more days to my 2 paper exam, each lasting 2 hours.
2 much to study and remember, 2 tired to carry on.

arrgghhh....

me going nuts....

kids and women...... don't think i'm going to specialise in this 2 areas...

bored

I feel so uninspired, I decided to post one of my latest pics, so that some of you may see if I've gained 'prosperity' or if i'm still a 'pauper'. I don't think I have put on weight, have I ? Do I look fat? hahahha. i'm just joking. Please ignore this first few sentences.

It's that time of the year again. Christmas. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss the food my mama cooks. Honestly, I'd kiss the ground if I get to go home soon. But all is in vain. Halifax is unfortunately my home now. Well, at least for the next 2 years. Well, at least they have snow here, something Malaysia doesn't have, but even that I'm beginning to dread. jen Ping and Karen (two other M'sian students) and I decided we should go walk around town to see how it looks like when it's buried in snow.

Not a good idea.

I didn't have boots, so by the time we reached the town, my toes were frozen solid! So much for the smart idea of walking through snow at the commons. My shoes for one aren't warm enough and it isn't waterproof. (Yes, yes, I suprise myself with this ingenious moves sometimes too). I'll post up some snow pics soon. When I have them.

Right. Another post that means nothing. Just so that I can turn away from the books for a while. =p

Normalizing

Today, wasn't exactly the best day of my life. For the first time ever, a patient passed away in front of me. He was just 10, with a lifetime ahead of him, if only he had survived today.
Mother was distraught, in tears and could only tell him how much she loved him, eventhough he can never hear her voice again. His grandparents were there, his grandfather trembling upon sight of his grandson. Imagine all those memories of playing with his grandson, watching him grow up, hearing him laugh. It's all gone now. His father was away at that time. I could only try to imagine how his father's reaction would be once he gets the phone call.
The staff was in tears too, not the doctors, but the nurses. I was fighting the tears. I swallowed each wave of sadness. I didn't want to be overcome by feelings of inadequecy. In all that I could not do. I was trying so hard not to wail right at that moment. I knew if I did, I would open the flood gates.

So what now for the boy's parents and grandparents? His family members? How do they go on without him? Imagine having to go home one day expecting to talk to your son or to play with him, and find that the seat on the dining table is empty.
Silence entails the dinner. No one speaks for the next few days.

As corny as it sounds, the only way I could normalize this was to tell myself, this is why you have to be a great doctor who knows his things in and out. No other way. I want to be able to help change lives of ppl as much as I can. Whether to cure or to improve, I'll try my best.

I hope the kid's soul rest in peace, and he be with God rite now.

this sux

What the!?! I bought milk and brocolli and left it by accident at the counter. I only realised I had made such a blunder when I reached home. Thankfully, the superstore is only below my building. So I ran back to the same cashier, only to be greeted by a blank look.

"Erm, some guy said he'd send it to you. He took it."
Me: ".....?What?"
"Yeah, some guy said he'd run after you and give it to you."
Me: "....Okay...."

Who in the world who'd steal brocolli and milk. Skim milk at that too. Not tasty. Thank God I didn't have to pay a second round. Was replaced by the store for free.

However, I was still cursing under my breath, that people like this exist. True, I don't know the story. Could be some poor fella who needs to feed his family.
Sigh.
Don't know how to face ppl sometimes. It gets frustrating.

High BP. Spironolactone anyone?

life without the wheels

Crap! At 1 in the morning, when everything else was closed, I thought I'd swing by McDonalds after my emerge shift and get my dinner. But guess what was the response I got?

"Sorry, sir we can't help you."
"You mean to say, I need a car to order?"
"Sorry, we can't help you if you don't have a car."
"^%*&$%*&%$%!!!!!!!!!!"

The sign said drive thru... very clearly, but I'd thought they let a hungry kid get his supper at least rite?
Guess not. Ended up buying donair, which I'm about to consume in 5 mins.

Arrgghhh...
Oh..

I mean, yummmm...

solitude for the desolate

I always was worried what would happen next. Always worried what ppl might think.

“What if ppl laugh at me or think i'm uncool? What if it'd made me look like a fool?"

Of course that has changed. I’ve grown.
Lately, in line with would happen to my future, of course, I’ve been thinking:

“When will I ever get to go home to Malaysia? To see friends and family again and see my home once more?”

Today, while walking home from peds emerge, the sky was as beautiful as it was yesterday. Sun setting in the west, with the sky orangey around it but blue everywhere else. And something about the blue was so different. The comforting light blue, that does so well in making me feel so secured. It wasn’t a long walk, but I had a good conversation with God. I felt my questions were answered all suddenly, and that it was all going to be fine, that my trust in God has not been misplaced.

“All you are, is all I want, always
draw me close in your arms oh God,
I want to be with you,
cause all you are is all I want, always
draw me close in your arms oh God,
I want to be with you”

At that point of time, I felt, that’s all that mattered, that if God would keep me close, nothing else would matter. Every tear, every joy, every dream, every fear has all been conquered by God. It doesn’t matter how long before I go home, or how long I will be away from home. Whichever. My home is where God is, and that would be everywhere.
All God is, is all I want. Nothing else. God fulfills my soul. Every inch of me is quenched by His presence.

I almost cried. I nearly did. Almost.

I guess the blue sky was so comforting because it was so calm. No matter how hard the winds blow, or if the sun wasn’t up, whether the clouds and rain are in the way, at the end, the sky remains the same. Really unchanged by the weather. Hence, neither will I be fazed be put down, and I will soar with the eagles as my God is with me always.

of memories and dreams

Today, was one of the few rare days that I could sleep in. Right up to 12 in the afternoon. It wasn't planned. I meant to wake up at 9. Do some work then go for my one hour class at 12. But, I guess the week has taken it's toll on me. I was knocked out cold. However, I managed to enjoy the nice sun outside at 8 degrees. I'm getting acclimitised I tell you. It was just pleasant.

Something about today that's making me feel so euphoric. I just feel so good, until I read something, then I started thinking about the past. Again.

It's not so much of evaluating what I have and have not done, but more so of wondering if things could ever be different from how it is today. I guess the lack of ppl to hang out with at current is really keeping me down in the dumps. Sadly, I watch other ppl having fun in other places and I want that too, but it would seem that at this point, it's not possible. All I can and should think about are my books, the pages in it, and every single word in each line. Haha. Sad. Sad.

My world is confined by the four walls of my room and if not, the hospital grounds. No friends, no chick, no achievements.
Thankfully, I still have God and my family and of course friends back home. Haha. Any suggestions anyone ? :)

parade pics

this was one of the nicest floats. just a simple swan

the gringe in jail. and a few others that i can't recognize.

looks like scrooge paid his way out of jail

a big snowman in a big glassball on the back of a truck.

a mother's love

Another week has gone by. It means, another week closer to the exams.

I'm done with peds wards. Finally. Not that it was dreadful, but it was tiring. And honestly, had lots of good exp while I was there, and get this, I was told that i have a very sweet approach to kids.
Now everyone say AWWW together. :)

Anyhow, the one thing I saw and learnt about in peds wards that really really awes me, and nearly teared me, was a mother's love. Imagine if you were a mother, who's son should be old enough to dress himself at least, or even feed himself or go relieve his bladder by himself, but can't. What would you do if one of ur family members are to be like that. With NO chance to getting better, with the same kind of condition and will never properly developed in motor and language skills? To sit by him everyday and clean him and feed him. To wait hand and foot on him. OR how about the mother who knows her daughter has a chronic illness which will eventually but slowly kill her? JUST when you would go 'oh dear' or 'oh no', you realise something. The mum doesn't react the same way as you do. She gazes at her child with so much affection, and even though sometimes they complain, I was really able to see how deep her love was for her child.

The thing that really almost brought me to tears was this one particular patient. This child was going to have multiple medical issues, was developmentally delalyed and wasn't going to live as long as most of us. After taking care of her for 3 weeks, I felt like it was impossible to take care of this kid forever. When she was sick she would just cry. Hungry? Cry. Diarrhea? Cry. (yes I know this sounds like a baby, but she wasn't).
And while I was with both mum and babe, guess what I heard mum sing?

Jesus loves you! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.

REFRAIN
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

I almost cried. It was touching how a mother's love supercedes everything. This truly reminded me of God and how He loves us no matter what the circumstances, no matter how rotten we are. Thank you Lord.

Here's the rest of the song just in case you wanted it.

Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, “Let them come to Me.”

Refrain

Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.

Refrain

Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.

Refrain

Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.

Refrain

just another day

I like the days where I can just put on melancholic songs and sit in my room. Sounds depressing. But I enjoy this, 'stoning' moments.

People change over the time. We all do. It's not fair to say, that I'm the same ol' same ol' you see from day to day. All the experiences that I've been through, the decisions I have to make about relationships, friendships, my studies etc.
The one thing I've enjoyed the most is really telling ppl about myself. Haha. Oddly sounds like I like to boast. I guess in a way I do. I boast of a past that I've managed to overcome.
Times like this, I sit and question myself, what if I continued down this pathway, what would happen eventually?
For those who know of my past, you'll understand where I'm coming from.

"What if I continued drinking alcohol like it was giving my life?"

"What if I decided that I should not hold sacred to love, and have pre-marital sex?"

"What if I decided that I didn't want to follow God, and continue living in my own lifestyle?"


Thank God, I'm down this road and not the other. Thank God that he gives me strength to go through so many things that I know by my own strength I'd truly fail. Thank God I am here.

phew.

on a happier note

Okay okay... I'll write something less depressing. Being serious all the time will surely make things dull.

So on a bright happy cheery note:
IT"S GOING TO BE CHRISTMAS IN ONE MONTH!!!

There was a a parade of lights today downtown. With all sorts of floats and bands marching down the streets. There was one that was particularly funny. It was a cage with villians in it. And one of them was the grinch, waving his fists furiously. Haha. Creative I must say. The rest was pretty standard. The big thing that everyone was waiting for was Santa. Santa is really an idol here. They were like, when's santa coming. Finally, the float prior to last (which had santa) excitedly announced: Santa's just behind me.
I must say. I am getting into the Christmas mood. Unforunately, my exams are just before christmas. So besides spending time not studying, from 6 to now which is 1030, I feel really guilty now. Ha ha.

I'll post the pics soon. I better. I had to hold the camera in mid air without gloves at temp of -1. My hands were pretty numb after that. I couldn't bend my fingers. For at least another 30 mins or so, till I soaked it in warm water.

All the christmas carols are starting to sing itself in my head. If u could just imagine looking into my brain now, u would prob see a group of carollers huddled up together singing 'Joy To the World'.

Glee. Christmas. Anybody want to send me presents?

just chillin' out

2 more minutes to 12am. Chilling in my room listening to pure jazz. This is indeed relaxing. I always wondered what ppl do when they sit down and chill out. I recollect my thoughts about the week and what I'd like to do better for next week. My number one plan is always to study harder, but unfortunately I fail to do so, week after week. Haha. I'm just getting old. And kids are just wearing me down. Or it could be I'm just lazy. I choose the former to console myself.

Just in my thoughts recently, is: when did men start to forget or defy God? I know. It may be boring to all those of you who visit this blog often enough, but unfortunately, my life is not that interesting, and I'm constantly filled with questions as such.
Sorry if you think this is boring. :p

I believe it started before Noah's time even. That's why God wanted to rid this world of people. Then the second time round was after Moses went up the mountain.
It stretched all the way till today... amazing.
What befuddles me most, is that ppl say they are open to everything and yet so closed and clamped up when one tries to share the gospel or anything that has the word God in it. How open is that? It's really frustrating sometimes. Leads me to thinking, how to love this ppl and not give up on them? The only thing encouragement I get is that I know God really loves these ppl very much, and if He does, they should be important to me too no?

Matthew 11:15
15He who has ears, let him hear.

Sadly, many have ears, but are not functional in a sense. It's like speaking to a deaf ear.
My question is only, when will they start realizing that God's been trying to speak to them for a long long time already?
Bah, open mindedness.

For all you other Christians out there, this was one interesting question that I was asked though, "when did u stop asking and started believing? and why did u start believing?"
A good question to review with not just other ppl but yourself. I hope everyone knows why or when Christ entered their lives.

the future

Aha... got ur attention didn't I? I'm not talking about my future in specific. Like wife kids job etc. I'm talking about our future. Yes. Yours. Mine.

I woke up this morning with a firghtful dream. It seemed so real. It seemed like this was something that was about to happen in the near future. How I know for sure? I don't. But I was kinda having debate with God if this was going to be the future or not. Anyway..

My dream. I remember crawling around trying to hide because ppl were out to kill me. I had to hide among the bushes, crawl on all fours. I remember so well that I couldn't go to the police and this was out in public. Some ppl had just entered my house (I presume and offed a few ppl in there). I escaped. Crawled in the bushes. Funny thing is my house was next to a busy road. Yet no one bothered. The next few scenes are not fresh in my mind anymore. I shouuld have wrote them down this morning as I woke up. But the one thing that made me real sick... REALLY sick.. was this one scene were I watched nurses in the hospital feed babies. Babies were all lined up in a row. *disclaimer- do not read on if u think u won't be able to stomach this*...

okay. Here goes. U know how babies have the Moro reflex and sucking reflec (for all the med students)? How they turn and around to something and start sucking once they feel something on the palate of the mouth ? Yeah... well... guess what was put in their mouth ? A man's genitalia... urrghh.... u get the pic. The worse part was tehre were nurses and doctors in cohort. I remember vivdly that when I woke up, I felt nauseated from this dream because of that scene. I was very disorientated for a number of minutes. Wondering if I had really woken up from a dream. And as I was preparing to go to the hospital, this constant thought nagged me, this is how the future will be. And for some weird reason, I believed the last dream was how homosexuals came about. Weird theory I know. But I thought I'd share with you. It felt as if I was being showed the world of lawlessness in the future.

I'm afraid that the day it happens, I'm still around. Won't be a fun time.

On a brighter note, I've caught the sniffles (rhinorrhea) from the kids in the ward, or at least my colleague. Goodness, I'm leaking like a leaky faucet. Someone shut me off pls......

this world

While I sit down here and whine some more on how I don't think i'll be a good doctor, I don't do anything. sigh. hope I don't crash and burn and give insulin to a hypoglycemic patient. haha.
Right. Today's post. Besides me telling you why I can't be a good doctor, I'll also like to discuss about the world today and how ppl do not want to believe in God. Right. Moving on.
Just the other day while at a forum, one person decided that he should be bold and to tell everyone he has enough about ppl telling him about God. Simply because he has announced that he is an atheist. Fair enough.
But oddly enough, this atheist is afraid of hell. He says and I quote, " If God is so fair and gave us free will, how come one person will go to hell if he does not believe in CHrist."
Well said. Well asked.
I didn't answer him the conventional, because God is justice and God is love at the same time. Because 1. he doesn't understand God's love, and 2. the only justice he understands is his own. geddit ?
So I answered, " Friend, if u are really someone who doesn't believe in God, then you dn't have to worry about hell. U don't have to worry about how God is not fair or if He gives u a choice, because simply, u don't care."
Clearly, someone was struggling with his own believe. I then proceeded to also tell him how he has already made his choice, which God allowed him to. He chose to not believe. He chose to be an atheist. That was the choice.
I tell u, as much as I hate having to give credit to the enemy, he is one tricky fella. Going around and telling ppl how God has not given them a choice. TO choose God or to choose hell. But the thing is.. we've got it all wrong haven't we? We do not have a choice. We were going to get condemned anywayz since we are all sinful. Every thought and every action (well almost every tot and action) is sinful. How to redeem ourselves? Better to save the lamb for lamb chop or the goat for curry mutton.. yumm! :)
And God sent His son to save us. But just like in any condition, when we are in a pit, if we don't reach out to the hand that wants to pull us out... how are we going to get saved? In the same manner.... how are we going to get saved if we prefer the 'pit' rather than the outside world ?

hmm.. I'm trying to connect this with my doctor story... but I guess I can't. haha. All I can say about this doctor business is.. it's a journey everyone has to take... I remember all those who said this thou art holy cliche : I want to be a doctor because I want to save ppl. That includes myself. Boy... am I laughing now.... real hard..

grace to love

How to have sufficient grace to love so many that I could pick a thousand and one faults with ?
How do some ppl find so much patience to just linger on around that one person that irritates the heck out of them?
Okay, maybe they don't feel as strongly as I do. Maybe I'm being highly critical. How do I change?
Times like this I really need God's grace to not lose my temper. What is it that I'm missing? What is it that I cannot see that God wants me to see?

How to change from wanting to strangle someone to just accepting someone as they are?

2 Cor 12:9 (NIV) says:

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

What a beautiful promise. What a beatiful verse. The only thing I need to do is not to just know it, but to really understand it.
Hopefully the day will come that I will be able to pour love to those who need it and to those that I sometimes may think do not deserve, that I will not judge, love as God has showered me with His great love.

from a to b

Lately, I've been wanting shortcuts in my life more so then ever.
How can I get from A to B without working to hard? I find my life pretty messed up nowadays. In terms of studies.. just can't seem to get my priorities straight. Like now.
I'm here. When I should be staring at the words on the page of a book... not here. HELP!

What about the other things that I'm supposed to do? 'supposed'..... can someone else do it for me? or can I consider it just done?
Is it really just me, that I feel I'd like to graduate at this instant with all the knowledge in my head, being able to be the best in my profession? Can I stop making myself feel so guilty about what I've not done?
Worse thing is when someone comes up to you and say, man you've got it all organized, but when you really think to yourself... YOU ARE ALL MESSED UP!!! ORGANIZED?what a riot....

someone... just shoot me pls.. now...

Truth

Sometimes when you know something deep down in your heart and in your brain, you question others when they don't do the same.
For instance, time and time again, I ask myself, why in the world would someone NOT believe in God?
The worse is, when arguing about God's existence and Him creating the universe versus evolution, some one quoted the Pope! I was told that the Pope believes in evolution. I do not know how much of that is true, but even if so, how would it affect what you would think of God and evolution ? Did not know how to argue on that point. I did however say that a thief can believe in the law and yet still break it by stealing. Acknowledging doesn't mean anything. Doesn't quite equate come to think about it. BUT... I still think, your life is your own, your mind is your own. Form your own opinion. Doesn't matter how influential that person is, you should still have your own opinion.
Back to the topic. I guess, it all boils down to being enlightened isn't it. I can explain to a kid walking in a certain manner would be like walking in a circle. The kid wouldn't understand me, could do it over and over again and still think he's going to a diff place. Until he sees the bigger picture like a map. geddit?

...........................

maybe not. just another whine i believe.... crud

pilot.

I'm a whiner. No. Not a winner. A whiner.
Despite the title of this blog, I shall try my very best to NOT whine. Try. Gr8 men have tried and failed.
What more a mere mortal like me? :p