the home stretch

It's the final few weeks in Halifax and I'm in the midst of packing, getting rid of books or things that I think I do not need to bring home. In about 4 weeks time, I'll be on a plane flying home, and honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be back in Halifax again. Hopefully, I'll at least be in the United States.

Ahh. 2 years of being in Halifax. I don't know how much I'll miss it, it was full of fond and bittersweet memories. What I remember most about this place though, was where I learnt to be truly independent, and have come to realize that in a lot of things, one has to depend not on men, but more of myself (I'm actually talking about when handing in forms or making deadlines), but of course the biggest lessons learnt are, all actions stem from choices, and choices are made actively. Can't be forced, and it is not a feeling. I also learnt that I cannot depend on people in terms of spitirual matters. Always go back to the big kahuna (God of course).

Just a short entry this time. I really should start getting back to my packing. Here's a good capture (I think) of Halifax.

life cycles

Getting old.
Achey bones.
Marriages. Happy couples.
Pregnancies. Newborn babies.
New jobs, new places.
Exams, interviews, projects.
New friends, old friends,
more friends.
Good times, sad days, horrible weeks.
Sick, deathly ill.
Walking again.
So much to see, so much to look forward to!?
All to thank God for.
No really, to thank God for all.
Life.

it hurts

It hurts sometimes to think, that one may not be as special as they think they are, that if there were a pick to be made for that PE game, you'd be last, and NOBODY truly wants to be last.
It hurts to see people get chosen for great things, and to think that you are sidelined only because you never hear back, and you assume that that's the end.
It's bad when we hope for something so much, and it never comes, then we question if we should ever hope some more, if all is doom and gloom.

However, I think what hurts more, is the fact that we let these things get to us, that we rather wallow in our own pity, that we do not do more, but merely sit and wait, and hope for good things to come. We forget that sometimes we have poor intentions, that we seek to glorify ourselves than to glorify the one that we are supposed to. We forget to be dependent, and we try to be independent, seeking to do all things in our own strength, our intelligence and dilligence.

When did we forget about looking at the big picture, and started focusing on the small picture, which is ourselves?

I guess today, when a friend told me about being prophesied again, I was jealous. I never had any prophesies at all. Took me a few good minutes to realize, that I don't know truly what God's plan is, but I would have to just trust and obey, not blindly but by faith, and continue to be totally dependent on Him. So quick am I jealous when I feel like God's not speaking to me, imagine what He feels? (haha, sorry God! I'll do better :p )

the world, which we call for freedom of choice

More discussion about this freedom which we so zealously fight for, and so valiantly proclaim when we feel another wrongs us. Unfortunately, we fail to see, that this freedom comes with a high price, a price we probably don't mind paying, because in the small picture, it benefits us, but in the larger picture, we lose so much from it.

This is US today: the generation that wants to be free, including free from making a choice. Nothing is absolute, and nothing is fixed. Everything can be questioned and everything can be wrong. Trust nothing but your own self, because all others may be wrong. This are probably slogans chanted every single day, in hopes that one will not be dragged down by the 'rules' of religion or culture.

This is an interesting description of (probably the youth) the generation today by G.K Chesterton:
The new rebel is a skeptic and will not entirely trust anything. He has no loyalty; therefore, he can never be really a revolutionist. And the fact that he doubts everything really gets in his way when he wants to denounce anything. For all denunciation implies a moral doctrine of some kind and the modern revolutionist doubts not only the institution he denounces, but the doctrine by which he denounces it. Thus, he write some book complaining that imperial oppression insults the purity of women, and then he writes another book, a novel, in which he insults it himself. He curses the Sultan because Christian girls lose their virginity, and then he curses Mrs. Grundy because they keep it. As a politician he will cry out that war is a waste of life, and then as a philosopher that all life is a waste of time. A Russian pessimist will denounce a policeman for killing a peasant, and then prove by the highest philosophical principles that the peasant ought to have killed himself. A man denounces marriage as a lie and then denounces aristocratic profligates for treating it as a lie. He calls a flag a bauble and then blames the oppressors of Poland or Ireland because they take away that bauble. The man of this school goes first to a political meeting, where he complains that savages are treated as if they were beasts. Then he takes his hat and umbrella and goes on to a scientific meeting where he proves that they practically are beasts. In short, the modern revolutionist, being an infinite skeptic, is always encouraged in undermining his own mind. In his book on politics he attacks men for trampling on morality, and in his book on ethnics he attacks morality for trampling on men. Therefore the modern man in revolt has become practically useless for all purposes of revolt. By rebelling against everything he has lost his right to rebel against anything.
~ excerpt from Ravi Zacharias' Deliver Us from Evil

The problem today is many want to live by their own ideas. The ability to challenge everything gives one no responsiblity, not having to answer to anyone about anything. The idea of relativity gives one so much control (or at least the feeling that they are), that no one can challenge their position, because they have the right to ask back, and poke holes at any structure that may 'endanger' them.

sometimes

sometimes a little peace is all you need, when you are in a crowd, lost and hopeless
but when that some time comes, and you are alone, you wished you were not, and hoped for company of friends.
sometimes, it's too noisy, you can't concentrate, you feel annoyed
then comes the time, when it's so quiet, even with the tv and music on simultaneously, nothing beats human noise and human company.
sometimes when faced with a loved one, you fail to say you loved them or tell them how much you enjoy their company because you were worried about what they'd think
it's funny then when that person is no more, because then you'd cry your eyes out, wishing you had only spend more time and said the things you wanted to say.
sometimes we are so engorged in our own righteousness and pride, so high up, htat we fail to see, that we step on ants and flowers, and we, in our own blindness are creating a path of destruction.
sometimes it's right in front of us, feign blindness, refusing no acknowledge because we believe in ourselves more than the person who's trying to guide us.
sometimes, there is no time, yet we think we will always be able to buy ourselves time.
we forget. the clock is ticking. clockwise, never the other way.
when will we come to see and listen? maybe sometime soon. hopefully sometime soon.

...

i'm tired
i need rest
i give up
just for the next few days
i really need to carry a lighter yolk

rest
rest
rest

i'm tired...

days when u just do not want to talk

I find the internet, sometimes a very weird place. Words are miscontrued, and because one may not be able to read the other's body language, lots of misunderstanding can happen.

A simple smiley :) can mean, happy, can mean cheeky, can mean I'm just smiling because I refuse to respond, it can mean I'm just daydreaming and smiling blankly, or I'm angry but I don't want you to know and the internet is making it all the easier.

:)

I hate it when people are mislead by things I say. Honestly, I say things mostly the way they are. I wasn't always like this, but more and more held on to this principle after I met a 'no bulls***-pull-out-all-guns-and-shooot-away' kind of friend. I then tried to hold true to being very straightforward with as many things when I want to convey.

ENOUGH I say, of being worried about what one has to think about me. (Yes, that tends to still happen eventhough I don't show it). Enough of doing something only to please others, or hoping for other ppl to fulfil your expectations.

UGH. Why do I even bother sometimes?

Oh, in btwn, I meant to warn you that this is a RANT.
Not.

:)

what we want

Currently reading Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie. Also reading Deliver Us From Evil by Ravi Zacharias. Yes. I know. Bad. I prob might have to read the latter again, seeing that it needs much more concentration than Tuesdays.

Tuesdays basically talks about appreciating life better, taking each day and making it your best. I kindd of get how my sister says that the book is 'preachy'. I would almost agree, except that its values are of the world and not of God. It has multiple short chapters, each on a different subject. So far I've read, discussion about the world today, pity for oneself, death, family, emotions, fear of againg and money. Each is put into the perspective of basically, a dying man. How not everything is an important is it used to be, simply because, one comes to realization, that man can never leave earth with his property. He carries nothing but his soul. I agree on that, but Morrie's thoughts end only with life. That there is no more to life, than enjoying it, and fulfilling it, as if it were a moral obligation. Maybe the ending is not what I think it is, but right now? It really appears that Morrie is merely saying, there is a good reason for doing good, which is there is no reason at all to do something bad. It's no use being fearful of death, because the preoccupation of it will rob you of your time left. We don't need a ton of property, cars, gadgets because at the end of the day, having it all, but not love or companionship, it means nothing. But giving, giving others will be fulfilling. Or so preaches a lot of religions with giving can satisfy the soul.

Is a new phone, a new car, a new gadget really all that important? I know this premise has been explored before multiple times. Honestly, I never used to comprehend, any of it. It's like a moral value that made sense, but didn't seem quite practical. Often, I found myself saying, that may be for some people, but I just simply need these things. Of course, there's not denying too, some of you that are reading this post, may be scratching your head and wondering, what's this kid whining about?

My conclusion is this, if we live life just so that it turns out good, or so that we do things to satisfy our soul, we will never be truly satisfied. I don't think. Some may beg to differ, and will chase that particular something till their demise. Fine.

All I want to say is this, there is nothing that satisfies like Jesus. There's is not one single thing that completes me like God and there will never be anything that will fill me completely, like the Holy Spirit. (Yes, again with this msg!).

relativity part 2

It's really easy to not live with absolute truths, simply because one may be able to justify his/her means with the situation.

I lied because if I didn't, things might have gotten worse.
I cheated in the test only because if I failed, I would lose my scholarship, and my family cannot afford that.

Perhaps these aren't the best of ideas, BUT, I hope you understand what I'm trying to put through.

Now the idea of relaative truth is so dangerous, simply because there can be no end to questions, and no end to possibilities. Simply put, as we cannot limit ourselves (and some might say, why would we limit ourselves?), we can go anywhere, and do as we please.
The most popular question I get from someone who refuses to believe that God is real, that he idea of 'God' is relative to only what we know now. As in all other things, as we move along and we discover more things, we will discover through science or whichever study, that throughly there is more than just a simple explaination that we are created than a higher being.
Honesly, sometimes, I don't know how to answer that. I remember even giving examples, like there are certain things that we know is the absolute truth, things like the world is round (or oval, whichever), or that in 1 minute there is 60 seconds. Of course, the arguement then comes, well, once upon a time, people thought the world to be flat, and thought that was absolute truth, so how exactly would we know that the world is oval (eventhough we've seen it from outer space?).

Now, that is a very dangerous statement. Why? Simply because if one chooses to even challenge the things before their very eyes, and can even have the audacity of saying it is relative, then nothing can be the truth. Then, I believe, there is no point in living, if everything is a lie, and everything is just a trick of the eye. Why would anyone want to live such conceited lives of deceit? Lying to others is one thing, but to deny oneself of the truth by claiming that everything else is relative, is just plain nonsensical.

Soon, one might as well question if their parents were truly their parents.
Relavtivity, in my opinion, is selfish, as one only choose want they want to know, or what they want to hear. It's for people who want to feel good about themselves, or make themselves feel good. AND, it's the only thing that's stopping them from doing what is right.

Next post: pluralization.

the day of love and being loved.

It was my birthday just not too long ago. Yes, I've turned 24. However, this blog is not about my birthday.

It's more about God's love for me. Well, not specifically just me, but for everyone.

I don't think many of us really appreciate the fact that He does love us. People often think, "Yeah, I know God loves me", but honestly, do we really know? Do we really think about what happened at the cross about 2 centuries ago? Or do we say we know, but not feel?
To know that Christ carried all our sins and all our burdens via dolorosa, took each thing that made us feel unwanted, not needed, and made it into hope. He suffered so we did not. He hung on that tree, so that we will never ever have to face the Judge and account for our sins. And in each moment, breathless, He intercessed for everyone of us, with the knowledge of that some of us may even reject Him, or ignore Him.

How can I not be of any love if God has so much for me? Can I ever say that I cannot love others because NO ONE loves me?

1 John 4:19 We loved because He first loved.

I have to keep that in mind. It's so hard though.

Have to love others.
Have to love others.
Have to love others.

relativity part 1

Relativity is such an interesting topic to talk about. Having discussed it over with a few people recently, and reading a book that talks about the corruption of today's morals, I can see more and more how relativity can be so dangerous.

It has been compared to the frog that has been placed in cold water put to boil slowly. It won't know it's too hot for itself until it's too late.

In modern day society, we want rules to govern certain things, to keep our property safe, to make sure we are not total barbarians. But soon enough we turn on this rules. Changes are made to suit today, because after all, certain things are not as 'wrong' or as 'scary' as once perceived.

It's okay to do a certain something ONLY because it is not as bad as this other thing.
The famous few lines are always: I'm not killing anyone, no one is getting hurt, I'm not stealing or robbing someone, hence it can't be bad right?

Because everything is made relative to another, it's acceptable. It's okay. No one should rot in hell for something as small as cheating the company's money. After all, the company is making millions, what's wrong if one were to take only 100k? (I wanted to use more drastic examples but decided against it)

There is more about relativity that I want to talk about. The next blog? Will be on: there is not absolute truth.

to be satisfied

All this while, I thought that, this feeling of missing something could be filled with a relationship, a new gadget, friends, new clothes, perhaps a new CD. I never knew where to look, and after every relationship, every new thing that I could get my hands on. I never really quenched the thirst. Never really was satisfied with things. It was always something else that I needed, something new that I did not have.

A few posts ago I wrote about the water of eternal life. As I think about it again, I really come to realise that truely, there is nothing else that can quench that thirst like Jesus does. The feeling of lacking, of being empty, of wanting more, can only be satisfied by Jesus. God and only GOD ALONE can make me whole.

The funny thing is, I felt that God really spoke to me after I started having this infatuation over a Korean actress. (Bah humbug, koren show has got me falling in love with korean girls!)
I don't know if it was the actress herself (beauty) or the character in the show that made me fall so hard, but I sure was in some sort of dreamy state for a while. I then realized, that I can covert, and hope that I get into some sort of relationship with a girl like that, but then I realized, what happens after I get into a relationship like that? It's like trying to get into a relationship without my lower limbs and hoping that my partner will be my limbs, (Does that make sense at all?) and after a while, discover that the limbs are not mine, and I am still incomplete, that I need something else.

Although I'm still in want, I making it a point that each time I feel that way, I ask God for help.
I truly know now, that nothing can complete me but God. (It's like Jerry Maguire telling God, YOU complete me).

Ah.

God, I need You today, tmrw and forever. Please give me the strength, grace and help me love others like You love me.
Lord, I am desperate for You.

#$*%*&%#&%... who tagged me? :p

6 weird things about me, then tag 6 other people to do the same.

6 weird things about me? Boy, is that going to be hard. I'm as normal as can be. Haha.

Hmm.....

1. I'm an old soul.
I sometimes think that as a 23 (soon to be 24) year old, I think too much. Sometimes, I dislike hanging with people too young, who I sometimes feel, lack substance. I know. This statement comes across to be a bit snobbish. Honestly though, I have this tendency to hang out with an older crowd (no pun intended). I enjoy talking to people who have formed opinions and are able to hold conversations and discuss a topic well. I get quite irked by people (although I must give them the credit for trying), who either don't have very much to talk about, or answer with one worded answers.
Perhaps this isn't that odd. (I really am quite normal).

2. I am shy.
Yes people. It's true. I am shy. People don't believe this, but it is TRUE. Of course it takes less courage to be gathered before I go talk to someone than when compared to my younger self. However, I find much difficulty still in meeting new people. And all this time, people thought I was being snobbish for acting so cool. Truthfully, I am mostly just too afrad to approach anyone I do not know. Thankfully that's changed. What's worse for me is if I see some girl who's got some special look that REALLY catches my eyes. Boy oh boy. I bet I actually turn red, and to initiate any conversation with the girl, would first involve removing all the stones in my mouth. I'd probably also freeze and will be unable to say anything intelligent. People really DO think I'm being very 'cool' about things. If one were to take my vitals, heart rate would be about 120, and my blood pressure would shoot up to about 180/100. Or at least I think it would.

3. I wonder what it would be like if...
I was more artsy. I always thought how nice it would be if I could draw or paint well. If I could write good poetry. If I had great writing skills and could fascinate people with my blog or with illustrious stories. Perhaps, the ability to take beautiful and expressive photos. At least, if all above are not achieved, I wished I could sing or play instruments really well. I never really had the chance to express this side of me, not because I did not have the time, but I merely never gave this side a chance to develop. I can write, only as good as this blog gets, or perhaps a formal letter if needed (probably not good enough to get me a job even), take pics like any other amatuer in this field, poems that are not even worthy of kindergartens because there can't beat the classic nursery rhymes. If stick men were great drawings, I would have to say, I am the best artist there is. :p AND for CRYING OUT LOUD, I croak instead of singing. I do ever wonder, how some of you people do not burst out laughing when I sing on sundays. Tee hee hee.

4. I'm short
I know. I'm not that short. I sound like some spoilt brat who can't get what he wants, but seriously, I'm only 5' 10". I wish I was 6 feet tall. It's something I always hoped I'd be. Now I'll never be able to date supermodels. Most of them are at least 5' 10". There goes my dream of having a supermodel as a girlfriend. Haha.

5. I have a list of nicknames
From the days of ICQ, IRC and now MSN, I have used multiple names. Neurotic, burnout, -, mentalcase, jackoverthehill, thegingerbreadman.
It's only as not too too recently, that I've used my own name on MSN. I guess I'm all grown up?

6. I have a twin sister
I leave for you to judge. A lot of people said if I were to grow long hair, I would be indistinguishable from my sister. I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. Perhaps, that is why I try so very hard to keep facial hair. The more the better. Haha.
This post was previously longer, but since it got erased, I'm just too lazy to rewrite everything.





That is all that I havea to write. It was tough. I am a very normal person actually.
I tag Esther, Heng Jeng, Aiky(if u still blog), Mandy, Sin Ling and Mona.

Phew.

expensive taste

The D810(top) C800(bottom)
Lately, I find myself, unable to control desires in wanting certain items. The latest craze being: DOPOD phones. Argh.

Why oh why are these phones created when I can't afford it? To make me salivate and thirst for something I cannot quite get? It's always the case. I find that more and more I am unable to quench this desire, this thirst that seems to.. to be everlasting.

I am however reminded of the passage in the bible. (How rare is that these days!)

John 4:
7When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.^[a])

10Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

11"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"

13Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

15The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."

16He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."

17"I have no husband," she replied.

Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

19"Sir," the woman said, "I can see that you are a prophet. 20Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem."

21Jesus declared, "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

25The woman said, "I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."

26Then Jesus declared, "I who speak to you am he."

I HONESTLY need to quench my thirst. The right way.

keeping one’s word

Sometimes, it’s really hard to swallow your pride and admit defeat. Especially in a heated argument, no one wants to back down, to be seen as the weaker side. So insults are hurled, and nasty words are exchanged for another unproductive, heated discussion.

What I really dislike, even in myself is, the way sometimes we all portray our know-it-all, but when it comes to our own, we cannot hold on to our ‘supposedly’ principles. We get so irritated with peoples attitudes and characters, sometimes we forget to look in the mirror. Who keeps us in check? If we shut our ears to what the world has to say, and we remove all looking glasses in our home, how, oh how are we to see what we’ve become?

Ah. The irritation from an unsettled dispute is like the multiple mosquito bites on the body. Each scratch only providing temporary relief, after a while, it gets worse, and no peace is found from constant scratching, but perhaps the skin gets so thin, it bleeds. The lose lose situation.

boredom provoked thoughts

Sitting in my parents room (because that's where the internet is). Thinking of what to write. Stacey Kent crooning in the background while I type away.

Just 2 weeks here in Malaysia, and I already want to leave. I cannot help buy find fault in every thing I see. Sad this is, because it really seems like I'm an ungrateful citizen of a country that has provided a place for me to stay and grow up. It nearly sounds as if I'm a greedy person, and will always look some where else because the grass REALLY does seem greener on the other side.

Anyhow, I have been given a great opportunity to meet up with old acquintances, good friends and ex classmates. Times have truly changed, and relationships have truly been altered. Honestly, it's hard not to expect a good friend to sway away after my absence of 1.5 years, but one would expect the friend to hold on to a certain amount of friendship. Humph. I guess this is partially why I'm not so excited at all when I knew I was coming back. In my know-it-all, belief of being clairvoyant, I forsaw that it would be really akward meeting with people who after a while didn't really bother keeping in touch. Ah. It truly has become so.
Everyone busy with their own lives, only with enough time to meet up and talk superficially. Nothing too deep because there's not much in common anymore.

The pieces of jigsaw puzzle may fit together, but when held up, it will break, and the completeness is there no more. Only family that is important and the ones that can really be counted on. Even then sometimes, arguements get the better of us. Sigh. Doom gloom.
Happy chinese new year guys/gals. Hope it's a good one for everyone else.

women in my life

The many women in my life. I think they greatly colored my life. Of course everything enriches a life, but I think, these women gave me lots to ponder and grow up with.

This girl, now a lady, was the first girl I had set eyes on was a happy go lucky girl. She was sweet but she had the attitude of being happy (although a lot of times not content). It was good because it was simple. I learnt from this, that sometimes it's good to be a little easy going.

The next girl, was a girl not of many words. This experience wasn't the best. Knowing her was good, but seeing how easily she was influenced by her friends and ppl around her, it was not.
I learnt that in many things I should make my own decisions.

Then came this other girl. Hmm. Where do I begin? The romance that was not a romance. It was a weird relationship. I never knew someone who wanted to be with you but not want to be seen with you. So dates alone were never possible. It was always a group outing.
From this, I learnt never to go out with a needy girl and to cave in to a girl too much.

Came along a very special girl. She was smart and she was adorable. My parents loved her lots even. This girl, I had thought that it was for real, and it was going to be really serious. I really broke her heart when I decided to end it. I know. I was a real asshole then. I made lots of justifications for the breakup. I know my dad wasn't particularly happy. Here, I learnt that I was really really REALLY selfish.

A short one liner for the girl I had a short fling over Christmas one year. She taught me how to have fun and to relax a little.

Next two ladies, were very key in my life. If anyone person I've met at all, she is the most patient person I've ever met. Whether it was with me or it was other ppl, she was extremely patient. Extremely kind. Always putting other before herself. Selfless. She definitely loved God more than I did.
The other girl, was the girl I would call as the checklist girl. She was (yes, was) perfect in every sense, BUT she had a temper.

There was of course also the woman in my life, who despite her frustrations with me (not to mention that she had taken out some on me sometimes), she did all she could in my best interest. She pushed me a step further when I did not want to. For this I am extremely grateful.

Who can forget the one who taught me to stand up for myself and my rights. She taught me to appreciate the finer things in life and to judge things more thoroughly.


Well, for those of you who didn't already know, it is valentine's day today. Hence the 'SAPPY' post. What will I be without memories to think, learn and suffer from? Haha.

Happy valentine's day peeps!

older

2007. Much has changed over the years. I had travelled to Seremban yesterday to meet some ex classmates and also celebrate a friend's birthday.

The first comment that I got in as I stepped into my friend's place was, " Eh, you haven't changed one bit. You've not grown fatter, and you still look young."

....... Had no idea how I was supposed to reply to that statement. A thank you perhaps? I was uncertain.

So, I just smiled, and casually replied, "Everyone looks the same also." Except for one or two ppl who seem to have lost weight under sheer pressure of clinical school in Malaysia. Yikes. I think they are more stressed out than I was in third year.

Anyhow, that wasn't the point of my blog. The point is, is that with age, everyone changes. Just not on the outside. Comes to show how much the saying "Don't judge a book by its cover" is true.
My character, my values, my belief system has totally changed in the past 1.5 years. Of course, a short 5 minute conversation, or a night's dinner is not going to reveal that to anyone. I realized that, I'm more and more cynical, and some times, more bitter with conditions. I still do complain, but I find myself to have tendencies to remember things that don't need remembering. I also find that a lot of my values, are based on my own experience, and what I want to do in the future. It has changed a lot from what is used to be. Hmm...

It's funny also to see how everyone's priority has changed. Since most of them are going to start working in about 6months (or thereabouts), quite a few start thinking about the future. Of course, the inevitable talk about who's with who comes about (I'm partly to blame for bringing it up), and, since we are all going to be working as docs, the next step is, what do we want to specialize in. Medical students are so predictable. :p

Ah. So weird is this journey of life and getting older.

home is where the heart is

I've been home for almost a week now. Man. Things are so different around here. They say home is where the heart is. Why then is it that I miss North America?

Anyhow, it is great to be home. Great to meet up with old friends. However, everything's changed. People have changed. Some are married. Some are still single but their outlook on life have changed. Some are happier with things, some more carefree, some just as ignorant as ever.
More buildings in KL though. More condos, more apartment buildlings, more congested roads.
I hate to say this, but I miss the slower life in Halifax. (Boy, I'm getting old and sentimental)

The bad part about coming home? I lost my wallet. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I lost my wallet. Gone are my ID cards from both Malaysia and Canada, my driving license, my credit cards, my ATM card, my MSI card (which I forgot to report). I'm not going to go into details. Let's just say, I was careless, and there were people here that took to opportunity to earn CAN 200.

I thought I was broke before, but now I'm even more broke (broker some might say. hahahaha).

Darn. Instant noodles and bread for the rest of my days here. Kidding.

The other thing I miss is not having to feel so STICKY and to have such difficulty breathing in the humidity. I guess I'll get used to it, but for now? I'll just whine.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Will see you peeps in March.

neutral

He was stuck in that position. Again. Uncertain if the next step would make him look like he was with one party or the other. He had to be neutral. After all, there can be any absolute truth in either party. Everything was and IS relative, but after a while, it was so hard to keep track of his neutrality.

No, I cannot say yes, because it would lean towards their party, but at the same time, a 'no' would be more in line with the other party, he thought out as he was walking towards his car.

Confused.

Were everything he had done, just simply an excuse to avoid making real decisions? All the theory about relative truth, and all the talk about we are no where near the real truth. Had he being lying to himself? After all, if that's what he really believed in, the things he practice in his office as a doctor, were merely trials of attaining real truth.

The floodgate of thoughts can no longer hold the rushing torrent of questions. It started to feel like his life was a waste. How could he have held on so long to principles that were so against living? Were humans really there to search eternally for truth? Or was he merely too arrogant to accept his true purpose on earth? Did he feel all this while that he was going to be the liberator of people, that he could be the one who would reveal the REAL truth?

Arrogant. Snob. Idiot. Hypocrite.

He now realized, there is no such thing staying neutral. On the fence.
He had been living his life on the basis that he could do anything without having to be responsible for his actions. After all, everything was relative was it not, or at least if it weren't, he could still try to make a comparison.

Fool.

What a waste of his life all this while.

grey

Today, was a good day. Being the last day in Indiana, I went out with one of the Malaysians here. We went shopping, altering her wedding gown, then lunch and more shopping. As always, I appreciate the chance to sit and talk about life, discuss about things that we face or have faced.

Prior to this, not too long ago, I used to be able to tell, instantly, whether it was wrong or right. These days however, these days, I'm not sure what falls within the shades of black and the spotless white. Matters have fallen into the grey area. I, no longer certain of what's right and wrong, can no longer place my opinion in matter as clearly as I used to.

As I step out more of the world that I used to know so well, the more unclear my vision, my line of sight on things, comes to a blur. I no longer tell someone, that something they do is wrong. I can only say, it's hard. It's hard to tell someone, that something they did, is not in keeping with God's law. Maybe after a while, after feeling like one as fallen, they can't tell between what's right and what's wrong. Or they don't want. How can the wrong judge the wrong? Or even at that correct the wrong? Or is it because one becomes more and more nonchalant, and just isn't bothered. Or perhaps, it's because, as you grow old, you become less and less passionate about the things around you, only in the things that involve you.

Which?

On a brighter note, I bought myself a french press. Good coffee coming my way. Soon. Good book, Good music. Now good coffee.

travellin'

Goodbye girl. Gone to see the world,
Out to see everything but me.
Your letters aint coming that much any more
Your letters aint coming at all.

I've been to Memphis; I've been to Rome,
But because you were here, I came back home.
Now I'm not trying to place any blame
But I came back for you now I'd expect you do the same.

Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.

Good-bye girl gone to see the world,
Out to see every thing you choose
Now it's becoming so clear
That your feet are planted deep
In your travellin' shoes

Travellin', travellin' so, so far away
If your comin' home.
You'd better leave now,
You better leave now.
-Matt Mays: Travellin'

Life as it is. Travelling all over. Stopping at places only for a few years, then moving on. I'm honestly looking forward to the day, I'm more permanent in one place.

when i grow up i want to be...

When we were young, every once in a while, we get asked by our parents, by their friends, what we want to be when we grow up.

Astronaut. Taxi driver. Doctor. Teacher. Lawyer. Singer. Comic artist. Fireman. Engineer. Policeman. Garbage collector. Businessman. Superhero. Etc etc etc.

Some of us more fixed with what we want to do, some not as certain until the last year where applications are due, and most people are just baffled with what they want to do. While some put serious thoughts into the longer run of things, some, some dabble on things of today, or rather, things in the shorter run.

I for one, during highschool, always wanted to be in the 'popular' crowd. Of what I now think as the most awkward years of anyone's life (at least mine), I still have no idea why I had no better sense then to avoid such a silly notion (of wanting to be popular).
I remember, trying to hang out with the popular group, making sure I get invited into all the groups outings, knowing what there is to know, and what is needed to be known if one is to be recognized as one of them in the group. Dressing in 'cool' clothes, speaking in codes that only group members understood.

Silly isn't it? If the I, the current me, was in that position 10 years ago, I would have learned not to opt for the superficial things, but choice things that matter. In the long run anyways.

Today, I find myself more cautious, asking myself each time I do something, what's the drive or the purpose behind the thought and action. I have to ensure, it's not for reasons that are of no benefit to me.

Sometimes, I wish I could think more longitudinally and laterally at the same time. But then, I would be a god wouldn't I ? Today, I have to choose, not just for tomorrow, but the days that follow. Be it job, be it any kind of work or relationships.

p/s: .... i want to be a greatly skilled general surgeon ;)

prevention

Holding a hot kettle not by its handle, will teach you to hold it by its the next time.
Crashing your parents car when you are semi high will teach you, never drink and drive ever again.
Failling your exam, will teach you to study harder for future exams.
Making so many mistakes, in relationships with the opposite sex, will teach you to back off until you know you are totally ready.
Being mistreated by people whom you call friends, will teach you not to go near them, but to avoid them at all costs.
Failure to forge whatever it is that needs to be made, will teach you, sometimes, to never ever try again.

However unfortunate it is sometimes, it's hard to fight against the tides of fate, which seems to have the upper hand in everything. No luck, no love, no cash - really can make one's life very very frustrating.

Luckily, I don't gamble or am in a relationship. Phew.

Sometimes, I'm amazed at how so many people have so much energy to fight on. If it were me? I'd give up. Hey. Better to prevent then to go through hurt, no ?

patience

Ah. Patience. The past few days, with the short, but expressive few posts, there was a certain amount of escalating anger in me. A long time ago, I remember trying to work it out, to be a more patient person. But just as of late, I find myself getting angry over the smallest thing, and I started becoming very quick to judge, and very quick to throw a fit.

This weekend, I spent time with a senior from medical school, who had her boyfriend's neice over staying with them. I was amazed to see how patient and well they worked in controlling her behavior. No frustrations despite the little girls tantrums and at the same no compromise. I was amazed to see how two people, about my age, are caring for a 5 year old.

It brings me back to the whole point of being more patient, being less selfless. Not that I want to have a kid anytime soon (I don't think I can bear the responsibilities nor can I sacrifice buying what I want vs what the other person needs. Am I anywhere close? I don't know. I don't know if I really want to find out either.

The new mantra on top of 'have to be single' is - 'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.

'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.
'I have to be patient and respond appropriately'.

dog lover / dog hater?

Imagine innocently walking around in the house that you are living in (you may add skipping and humming some innocent tune), and suddenly, someone's dog pounces on you, with it's sharp nails and starts treating your toes like they are chinese sausages or something. Stupid dog keeps on trying to nibble on them.

For goodness sakes already, they ain't lap cheong but the friggin dog isn't able to tell the difference.

I'm kinda getting sick of the dog that's brought in by the owner's friend. It's 6 months old, it's untrained, and the owner leaves it locked in a room behind the kitchen when she goes off to work. How is that going to help train the dog be any better? I think it's making it worse. I think the dog gets very very lonely during the day, and when it's finally out, it goes all crazy for attention.

Argh.

I seriously want to strangle the dog.... and not take responsibility for it. Can?

On brigther side of things, I managed to occupy my time today by going to borders. However, not having my camera meant I couldn't take pics of the scenery near the mall, which is a gigantic monument erected after civil war. I vow to return for pics. AND, I bought myself a book to past the time. Wicked. Hope it will be a good read. Or else, I'll just use it to smack the dog. Tee hee hee.

pissed off

Man. Why do people twist your intentions around? When you try to be nice and bring a topic into conversation over the sake of conversation, and of some small idea that someday you want to do something nice for that person, why has it to turn to a target for insults?

It makes me question, if it's worth at all trying to put other people ahead of myself. TIMES like this, I really want to tell ppl to simply bugger off, and that I will try to survive on my own.

In case you cannot already tell. I am boiling. I am boiling because I don't want to take insults anymore. Sure, I'm not the brightest guy when it comes to certain things, but don't have to insult what I'm trying to offer.

ARGH. DIRECT RANT ON THE BLOG.

I need to go punch some things and then scream.

tomorrow

who knows what tomorrow brings
who knows if the decisions we make today
will make us regret tomorrow
we live each day like there's no tomorrow
without thinking about the consequences
without thinking about the outcomes
when you live like you are in a dream
you want to stay dreaming
you don't want to wake up
when you dream a nightmare
you want to wake up
but you wake into the horrors of life
so today
today love the people you should love
forgive the people you hate
make peace with the ones you fought with
for who knows
who knows what tomorrow brings
that on your death bed
you may forget, but more likely
you will remember
and to regret...
let's not leave it for tomorrow
live today as it is for tomorrow

criticism

It's hard to be a critic sometimes, and it's hard to receive criticism. I'm sure everyone (definitely including I) prefer to be on the giving end.

Today, I watched as a fellow colleague get yelled at for a mistake he made. Bear in mind, we are students, and as much as possible, we should have least mistakes as possible, but with so many things in medicine, it's impossible at times to not make a mistake.

Well, diverting away from today's incident and talking on a more general term, I think about myself, and as much as possible, I try not to criticize. Unfortunately, I still do. (I know I know, some of you are giving me that look, with a smirk on your face.)

While growing up, I faced a lot of harsh criticism, and for the better of it, I've grown to check myself often to make sure that I don't make certain mistakes. It's sad though that sometimes I think myself, too bad I'm not extraordinarily good at this particular thing, or else I would totally be arrogant about it and someone would get bad criticism if I caught them doing it wrong. Haha. (That's why God made me the way I am, so that I'd be humble.)

These days, I'm learning to critisize in a manner that's more building. Every once in a while, I forget, and I blow or act like a spoilt brat/contipated man.

This was something I caught in the clinic I was working at, and I think it's a very good reminder of who we are and what we all go through.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato

Tak laku

Tak laku.

The malaysian term meaning, basically, not hot stuff, not coverted, not wanted.

MAN, is it ever hard to sell yourself to the world. No, not as in sell your soul spirit body.
I mean as in trying to get people to take you in, be it a programme, or a job, or as a friend, or an associate etc.

The past few days, it's just been me trying to find out what's next on the list on, how do I get myself somewhere today? It's truly like a tease. Like a million bucks just an inch away from you, all yours if you can get it. IF you can get it. If the inch thick glass is to be that easily broken into.

Yes. My pessimism is getting to me. All I'm trying to do is get a job after I've graduated. Looks like, life really ain't all that easy at all.

Not the "beg and please" like when we were young. If you beg enough times, you might just get what you want. No "beg and please" here. Just "all you have", your "CV" and perhaps your "outstanding qualifications".


In Malaysia, the term tak laku, often is followed by sau tong or sau pei.

Which should I do? Save skin? Or close shop?



......... gambate/ chia yu/ ka yau ???

new year in Indianopolis

It's 6am in Indianapolis, and I'm back, after a new year's eve party and sending a fellow friend to the airport, just before I go to bed, and before the sun rises, I sit and reminisce 2006.

A year of great tiumphs and tribulations.
I managed to finish year 3, despite bumps along the way.
I found friends that I'm closer and can relate to.
I'm a little better at the guitar.
I'm a little more confident, a little more outspoken.
I mangaged to settle in.

But,
I miss my family.
I'm uncertain of my future.
I still procrastinate.
I'm still not as brave as I would like to be.
I find that I'm still most of the time, in between things, not knowing what I want exactly, and still torn between two worlds.

Torn btwn two worlds. I'm too good to be bad, and too bad to be good. I want to be in righteousness, but sometimes, I crave to do the wrong things. Ah. What a confusion.

What will 2007 bring?
More effort to work harder, like I always promise myself? Time to truly change and go all out for studies? If I really want to come to the states, I've got to work harder than I am right now.

NO more games, no more time wasting, need to utilize every moment that I have for my own benefit. Be it studies, be it diversifying thyself, I need to work on it.

NEED to.

Will I? Can I?

365 days to tell, whether I can truly change with pure iron determination.

christmas

Similar title to the previous. I know. However, I just wanted to blog about my weekend. The pics will be up soon I promise. As soon as I'm able to load it off my friend's camera.

This christmas, I was in Chicago, windiest city in the world. Not with family, not with regular friends, not in church, not alone either. I was with new found friends, whose company i thoroughly enjoy. It's weird. I dreaded coming because I thought I would be alone. Funny how Malaysians mesh so easily so quickly.

Chicago was a blast mainly because the place was beautiful. It had BEAUTIFUL buildings. Each had its own character, built differently, each trying to outdo or outshow each other. I felt as if I was walking through a dream. Too bad I didn't have my own camera. Or else, I would have certainly shot more photos.

Because of that trip to Chicago, I really want to come to the states. Talk about the deer that enters the village. So struck and dazed by the lights. I hope sooner or later, I won't get hit by the truck with the bright lights.

I wonder if I do start working in a big city, whether one day I would ponder and wonder how it would be like to be in a small place again?

Merry Christmas everyone, albeit a late one.

christmas and new year

Ah. Christmas. I used to love this time of the year, or rather, I used to love this time of the year MORE. I guess the prospects of being far away from people familiar is sad. Although I have to say, that the people in Indiana are fun to hang out with, and I enjoy going out with them. Really easy to get along with. So hopefully, it won't be such a bad last week.

New year was more of what I wanted to talk about albeit the fact that christmas is closer. The coming of the new year was always like a fresh start for me. New resolutions, time to start things properly again. I was a firm believer in fresh starts, and was always happy to have a new chance at doing things right. That's why, initially for many years, I was happy to move out of some place. Due to the fact I wasn't all too popular with people at times, it was nice to be able to just escape and not have to face these people ever again.

Yes. I was a coward. I ran. Ran away from all my problems instead of facing them. For a while there I had been good, and didn't try eluding my troubles.
Now, it's so much so, I don't even bother to think of things to improve myself on in 2007. Honestly, I'm just too tired and I lack the energy to carry out such cumbersome tasks of thinking of areas os weaknesses and correcting it.

Am I the only odd one out or does everyone else feel that, resolutions are useless? Haha.

My only resolution this year (if I were to make one) is to be true to myself.
And not to procrastinate. (oops... over'd my quota)

emptiness

No real words to describe how hollow we can be inside. When surrounded in this world, we think all external things satisfy, but truly, it only does for such a short while. How many times have we tried to substitute something eternal with something so contemporary?
It's unfortunate that we are so short sighted. It's unfortunate that I have such vision which can't be corrected by mere glasses.

Day after day, in all the mistake I make, I question, how can some being, so holy so perfect, ever love someone like me? And in my sin I continue sinning, just because sometimes, I feel there's no use turning around, because I'm such a sinner. Just like with people, when you do something they don't like, you're not in their circle of friends anymore, or the quarrels even sometimes relatives have among each other, then they don't speak to each other for years.

Like a disobedient son that has angered the father so much, there's so much confusion as to what to do next.

Sometimes, I cannot comprehend the value that God sees in me, and that despite and in spite of all I do, I am still loved. He has given so much, forgiven so much, yet in my sinning sometimes I so forget to turn back. It gives me the feeling of being so ungrateful, but even then, God continues to forgive. Will this ever run out? His love? Hopefully not. I need more and more of it each day.

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

updates

I am here in Indianapolis, Indiana. Finally, all those months of correspondence and getting my applications in, I am finally here. I have not really been around the city very much, but to me, this appears to be the kind of city I'd rather be in (provided I don't get mugged) (Haha. Sorry Deb, this is an indirect insult to Halifax, just in case you didn't catch it).

The one thing I'm seriously SERIOUSLY in love with is the hospital. IT IS HUGE. And all the cases in the OR? Are FANTABULOUS. It's like SUPER RARE stuff that you only read in books. Surgical heaven!!!! The only downside to this is having to wake up at about 445 ( or maybe earlier to ensure I get to hospital by 515am. I finish work today at about 730pm. Bummer? It sure is, especially when ppl in other specialties start to say, "Oh. My day is shorter."

Anyhow. Indianapolis is pretty warm despite being told it can be really really cold. I think Halifax is definitely colder. I think I may be able to walk around in shorts soon. This AM was as warm at 7 degrees. No wind chill too. Checking the weather out in Halifax, I saw a -10 (-15 after wind chill). Brrrrrr...

Alright. That's more short update. No intelligent or deep-in-thought kinda post. Have to sign off now to write my mum a long awaited email.

tis the season

Tis the season where the land is white, and full of snow.
Yesterday was one of the few times playing with friends outside before I leave for the states. I know. It's not forever. But 2 months can be long and be bad when you are all by yourself. Anyhow. This isn't a sad blog. Just here to post up pictures for friends and family. Note how I survived subzero temperature in shorts. YEE HA!

humans

Funny how humans think and work. Thinking about sports, and all the types of games you can catch on telly these days. Basketball, soccer, hockey, etc.
People LOVE watching games, cheering their favorite team on, buy their merchandise and boast to the world they support their team.

Now. Why in the world do we love doing that? How is it in anyway beneficial to just watch sports?
Think: why is 20% of north america obese?
Answer: people pay to watch sports, sit on their couches and consume chips, nachos, pop, beer etc.

Wouldn't it be better to just play the sport yourself? I know it's great to have cheer spirit, and be able to have a huge fan club base where you get to meet other people and cheer together, but honestly, would it NOT be better to just play the sports yourself and get good at it?
That's just my opinion.

Today, I saw an obese lady, and she hobbles along like she's a penguin.
So many people on my service, from smoking, from diabetes have their legs amputated.

Have I inspired you enought yet to make you run laps on a daily basis?

brokenness

In my short sightedness I did not see
In the quiet, I could not be still
There were instructions, but I could not comprehend
For everything seemed lost and blurry
Trully, I am blind, deaf and mute.

For I cannot see beyond the things of this world
The promised land is beyond the horizon

As I walk through this desert of dryness
Through the valleys of darkness
And the cold cold forrest

Here I lie, cold and broken
Hoping for help, crying for a way out
Here I lie
In my brokenness

in bitterness or in tears?

Ah. It's frustrating. It's so VERY frustrating, that people have truly moved on in their lives when you have not. It's more frustrating when it's truly the one important thing in your life, and you can't quite seem to get there.

I can't stand to settle for second.

AND unfortunately I am. Reading Aiky's mail (yes, Aiky, YOUR mail if you are reading this blog) has made me realized many things. Well. I already knew this, but I knew I had been settling for mediocrity.

Where's that burning passionate relationship for God, the one that I yearned for not only His presence but His word in my life? Has that fire truely diminish? So much so, the effort to try is even no longer there?

Anyhow, congrats Aiky. Well deserved. As all deserves our ends, you truly deserved yours.
It leaves me in question though, what's mine, and am I doing the right thing?

that time of the year

It's the sense of pending doom. Though nothing is wrong, you feel that everything could just come crashing down. So lost and so... in place yet out of place. It's like in between two opposites, like standing btwn train tracks and both trains are passing by in opposite directions at the same time. Torn would probably be the best word.

What am I talking about? Utter confusion as to what I'll be doing after I graduate. The constant thought of knowing that I'm supposed to be a qualified doctor in one year's time, and am supposed to know a whole bunch of things by then?

This week, getting back into surgery was really good. Initially, I was afraid of the time, having to wake up early and not getting in as much sleep hours. But, I've learnt quite a bit, and it's a matter of getting myself back into the habit. Honestly, this week has been a good reminder why I like surgery so much more than medicine.

Ah. More time to contemplate things. In my dreams, in my good sleep.

ZZzzzz

hang ups

I should have but I didn't...

If only I knew earlier... I would have....

Surely, it wasn't my fault... was it ?

But I checked! Maybe if I looked through it again...


Hang ups. We all have it. I wish sometimes, I would be fast enough to spot it earlier, and do it correctly for the first time before something happens, and I lay in my bed full of regret.
This is still a working process for me, but it really REALLY bothers me somedays when all I can think about my mistakes and how I would react diffrently in certain situations.

Yes, I am alive and well, and should be thankful. Just my mind that curiously wanders off, thinking if things would have been different, if only I had acted differently.

It's a vague blog I know. I'm just thinking out aloud, don't mind me.

fulfilled?

ful·fill also ful·fil (fl-fl) Pronunciation Key Audio pronunciation of "fulfilled" [P]
tr.v. ful·filled, ful·fill·ing, ful·fills, also ful·fils

1. To bring into actuality; effect: fulfilled their promises.
2. To carry out (an order, for example).
3. To measure up to; satisfy. See Synonyms at perform. See Synonyms at satisfy.
4. To bring to an end; complete.

Am I satisfied? Have I brought my purpose into effect? Have I spent my time in such a way that I would truly be able to say that it brings such fulfilment?

The unfortunate event of me playing games for 12 hours (there were breaks in between), shows that I had enough resting. Time to get back to work. Hopefully, I'll feel more fulfilled then.

responsibility

Becoming of age, doesn't necessarily mean one is all grown up. Some say, when you are 23 you are an adult. Others say, when you finally make all your own decisions, you know you've grown up.

As my time as an undergraduate draws to an end (yes, it's my first degree, not second), I have to make numerous decisions on what to do next. Although my parents are still around to be consulted, I have this feeling that I should depend very much on myself and not await directions or orders. I have to decide on my own how to be responsible for myself. Yes, that's the biggest responsibility is that. If I'm going to start working, I have to treat what I do as something of utmost importance, giving my best to it, not to impress, but mainly due to the reason that IT IS MY JOB.
Finances will soon be managed by myself, and I have to learn to allocate my money wisely and not just on CDs, books and entertainment. I have to start to think ahead and not just of today and tomorrow.

As these thoughts run through my mind, I am afraid, I fear for my lack of capability to do such things. In other words, some days I just don't feel like growing up. I'm not here to study anymore (well, learning is a life process) but to learn how to make most of life.

Note: life isn't about being successful in your job, but I feel it is totally of GREAT importance to do the best in all that you do (although I am quite the slacker).

Ah, adulthood, here I come, with trembling hands and faltering feet. If I fall, I know it's not going to be into a gentle embrace. Hard fall, but good scars to remember my mistakes.

Sigh.

sneaky little creature

And there it was, not creeping, but running, but not carelessly, but quiet and so effortlessly. Not 3 men could catch it. All were cautious, unsuspecting that the little beast was not only fast, but intelligent too. Running for its life, it managed in its own way, its taunts. Probably smiling in its failed captors defeat.

It wasn't running for its life. No, the little thing was running for valour and merely to embarass clumsy giants. Giants with poor speed and poor agility. How were any of them going to kill it or even catch it?

Damn mouse.

You defeated 5 mouse traps, which incidentally caught a much bigger beast, that was slower in both speed and wit (Dickson...hahaha). You eluded the 3 musketeers effort to quash you. Not mop, nor broom, nor special sweeper-thing could stop you.

Stupid mouse.

Mock us now with your tiny chatter and laughter. We will catch you soon, and soon, we will have roast mouse.

all grown up (?)

It has been more than a year, since I have been in any kind of BG relationship. No crushes, no attempts, no relationships. I would have to say, it's been a long while since I've been this 'free'. This happened mostly because I realised that, now is really not a good time. I took the time to convince myself that there are more important things to do for now, and being in a relationship can really impede that.
Of course, among some of those important things, I've only done half of them, but I will leave that out for another day.

Now, in the past few weeks/months, it's been heavily weighing on my mind. To do or not to do, that is the question. And to do what? To actualyl start looking of course!

However, what also comes to mind each time I think about this, are a couple of things.

You know how, since Jerry Maguire, people use the words "You complete me", every so often just to win the opposite sex's love/attention etc. And I know people who think the exact same way, including me (in the past). Then I came to realise, not one single human can do that, or should do that. You see, the whole better half idea, is... well, wrong. We are all supposed to be complete beings in Christ. So, my whole idea of finding someone for companionship or because I am lonely, doesn't work.

There is also this thought, that I'm still too selfish at this moment. If I can't give without thinking about myself, I consider myself to be selfish. I think if I can't give enough in a relationship, it's once again, I would be in a relationship for the wrong reasons: like wanting a girlfriend just because and for no particular reason.

Lastly, lust is a big issue which I have to overcome. I'm not saying that I must be 100% clear and pure in my thoughts, but as much as possible, I need to look and speak to a woman with proper respect. (Hope that didn't come out funny).

After all said and done, if the right person comes along, I'm definitely going to make my move, but until then? I'll continue improving and growing in certain aspects.

choosing

First of all, I had to choose between topics. Anyway, instead of writing another whine post about myself, I decided to write about some thoughts, fresh from my mind in the past few days (waitaminute, that's not so fresh now isit?).

Just a recollection of responses, that I get from people when I respond in a certain fashion to certain situations.

"Haha. That's so mean Ian."

"Oh, I'm not mean enough, let's get Ian to call, maybe he can get a better compensation out of this."

Or just the popular stare, and a response that goes like this:
"......"

Yes, all those times I plainly responded that I was merely being blunt, and that was who I was. I like being truthful, and sometimes, it irks me so much that I cannot swallow it. Pride? Perhaps, but honestly, I do like to speak what's off my mind. Of course not in all situations, especially when I know I can't worm my way out of it. But sometimes, I'm less careful with matters, and I let it slip off my tongue.
SOMETIMES, I can feel it coming from the back of my head, like a small cloud rising from the horizon, brewing into a storm. Or something to that extent.

Honestly, with comments like those coming up, I don't think it's so cool anymore to respond the way I do. But to keep quiet or say something some other way, feels like a lie to me. I guess matters can be put more delicately, and not as harsh. Or can it?

seperation

After reading a friend's blog (yes, Deb, it's yours), I had started thinking about my own life and my friendships. In the past few years, wherever I've been have not been for very long.

Initially, when iw as about to leave highschool, I was pleased to be able to move on (bad experience, what else) as I really wanted to start fresh and go to the capital. The city, the lights. I was like a moth attracted to the flames. Haha.
I started college in KL, and that lasted for 1.5 years. The friendships I made, didn't last very long past post college. I guess everyone kind of went on their seperate ways, and we all moved on. I then started life in university, and for the first 2 years, it was good, hung out with certain few ppl, then something happened again, but thankfully I made new good friends, and was close to some other friends who were in the same church. THESE friends that I had made in the last few years were very close and dear to me. I made every single effort that I could (limited as it is) to keep in touch. Emails, phone calls and what not.

More than a year away, I feel already like I'm at home in Halifax, and all my other friends? I've almost lost touch. Supposedly my best friend, and someone I relate very well to, has stopped writing. 10 mths. Yet, everytime I call, I get a promise that I'll get an email soon.
Well, sounds like a sour post, but that isn't what I'm trying to convey. My thoughts exactly is that, in about 7 mths time I'll be leaving Halifax. The friends that I have made here, will soon be a distant memory. No, I don't say this to diss anyone, but seriously, I have no faith in long distance friendships, relationships and what not. Everyone gets to busy, and soon enough, we've all moved on.

Don't we all? I don't know.

I guess sometimes, we all want to feel important. Not to the point that ppl are unable to funcation without me being around, but to some point, to miss me enough to want to share news with me, and send mail or call. Doesn't happen very often with me. I know some of you do it, and I'm really thankful (although I may sometimes sound like I do not welcome your calls, I really do).

I look forward to the day where I can settle in one spot, where all my friends are. Unfortunately, I do not see myself doing that anytime soon.

simple things in life

"It's the simple things in life we forget
You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said
Why do you make something so easy so complicated
Searching for what's right in front of your face
But you can't see it."

---Usher----

Well, my life is not quite like that, but I was thinking about this today, when I managed my first IV without help. Yes, it's pathetic that a 4th year medical student jumps for joy when he puts in an IV successfully, but what can I do? I have not been able to put in successful IV's in the past few attempts. Hopefully in the next 2 weeks, I will be able to do more excellent/awesome/wonderful/top dog IVs in patients. WOo hoo. Then I can jump in the air, skew my body to the side and tap my heels, and go: 'TOP DOG DAT ONE'.

Anyhow, what I mean to say in this post, and I think most of you would get by now is that, it's so easy to miss out simple things like that and not be thankful. [See, I can be thankful ;) ] Just a reminder to myself, to be thankful for all the little things, including every single nook and cranny on my waffle. Haha. Just joking.

one too many things

When the mind is in a blur, and one knows not but to think about himself and his loneliness, what else can he do? He thinks about it day and night.

Yes Bern, get over it. But you of all people know sometimes somethings are not easily gotten over. I don't have to give examples now do I ? ;)

Thanks for the concern and advice, friends. I have come to realise, it's been an integral part of me to be so melancholic, sometimes so much so, it would seem like I'm basking in my own sadness. Sounds really, overdramatic. I guess that's why I sing 'All by myself' so much. Not because I am alone (although, I do feel lonely at times), it's because I overdramatize my sadness. (Or am I?)

Thinking about the past few weeks and thinking about the posts that I wrote, I wonder if I just sometimes enjoy it a little too much, being miserable. Maybe I like self pity. Maybe I like to wallow in self pity. Who knows?

My only explaination is that, I am like that. It's not that I'm proud to be a pessimist, or to sound so depressed. I guess I'm just like that? Can't quite seem to change the dim outlook to life...

Maybe I need to dim sum (dim some... geddit? hahahaha..... *silence*)

:p

when life hands you a lemon

In view of my recent outbursts of rubbish written, I have decided to write more substantial.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Ah, a saying I suspect so famililar to most. When I think of that, or I hear about that, I then respond: Where do I get the juicer? Sugar? Glasses?
You see, I'm always the pessimist, and I find most times, hard to believe my good fortune, and I begin questioning everything else that I have and get.
For instance, getting into 4th year, is so surreal. Am I really here?
Sometimes, I question the things around me.

Problem with this kind of attitude is, sometimes, things can get very very lonely. When you question everything, it's hard to trust people and connecting to people can be on a very superficial basis only. I don't know who is reading my blog, and who will be offended by this statement, but think about it, if I'm your friend, and you mine, how much do we know about each other? Or can we all think about the good times only and how to entertain each other? How much of my friendship is about helping someone when they really need my help? Or vice versa? Or am I a user of people?

Honestly, can someone tell me what they think? I'd really like to know? Am I just some guy who is there when there is fun, or am I one who would stick with his friends through thick and thin? Or, am I a guy, who plainly uses people?

Confession: I feel like I'm selfish, and I use people. That's why, in my deepest sadest moments, no one knows why or what I'm feeling.

Sad, in a twisted way, sometimes, I'm not any more bothered.

moving on

Lately, this is my recurrent theme. LATELY, all I can ever think about is moving on. When I was younger and I had many problems, I used to think, just a few more months and I'm off to the next place.

Obviously, I wasn't the best person to sit down and sort through my problems, and instead of carrying out peace talks to resolve situations, I run. I think, until now, I'm still not far off.

Now faced with uncertainty, all I want to do is to run off to somewhere else and the next phase. It's even weirder when you feel settled but it's time to move on again. I believe in my life, it'll be a long while before I settle and call some place home. Truth is, I don't want to move to another place anymore. The stability of things would be good for my soul.

Where am I going? The fog before my path gives me no certainty, and obviously I am just plain stuck. Lost without a map. One day at a time, perhaps ?

lately

Lately, there so many streams of thoughts in my mind, I feel like it's time to shut it down. That's unfortunate, because it seems like I'm getting very selfish. Getting worldly as per many ppl. I feel like I want to do the things I want to do, and not what other people want me to do.

The steep moral decline.

Seriously, remind me again, why I have to do certain things. I mean, yeah be nice, do good. But we all know, and I think I've said this so many times, it's like a tattoo in my brain, that's God's right, and worldly standards, basically.

Where do I stand? I have no idea.

Yeap, the moral decline.

Somewhat, my stands on not drinking alcohol has somewhat eroded. I've started drinking wine. And I keep wanting to try more, just to know. Be a wine snob. Be able to tell one from the other.

Be nice? Sure. Depends who it is. Be generally nice, but mutter under your breath when you are unhappy. (Well, not quite yet actually.)
The unforunate-ness of being nice, being taken advantage. So sick of that. How much more can I tolerate? NO idea.

My choices, my ideas. My pathway. The problem is the word 'my'. It's become more and more 'all about me'.

No, this is not a sympathy post. Just me merely expressing thyself.

a new phase in life

It's the new phase. It's 4th year. Although I still have to meet the unit head in regards to my marks, it's basically 4th year. I cannot thank God enough. No more days of worrying, no more days of cursing myself for making silly mistakes. I'm learning. Truely I am, from making stupid diagnosis.

All I can think about now, is getting a job, and giving some back to my parents. They have indeed given me much. Of course, my sister too (because she is reading this :p KIDDING!). Honestly, I would like to make enough money to have my parents live comfortably. Yes, it's weird. I don't know where I get this strong sense of filial peity, but all I can say is that, God would want me to honor my parents. That's why everytime I hear about the elderly being sent to a home, I think to myself, how can people do that? Just a different culture eh ?

Now that I have so much of my mind, I think about everything else. The other thing on my mind is, the news today.
1) There are so many killings in schools.
2) So many sexual offences, and different kinds too.

Does it sound familiar? Like Sodom and Gomorrah?

Right. Sorry. As you can see, passing exams, make me skip from one topic to another.



OH NO! Flight of thoughts! :p

I am officially a fourth year medical student

Yes. Thank God. God is awesome. God is my provider. Thank God.
I passed my exam. A marginal pass, but still a pass. Thank God.
Thanks to all who prayed and believed in me more than I did in myself.

in a sea of milk

Ah. Another post call day. Today, I had to go to another hospital and came back by bus. Saint John actually has some nice spots. King's square is pretty nice. Nice park anyways.
Bus went from stop to stop, and as always, it was interesting to be on the bus. Different types of characters and what not on the bus. Funny, quirky, interesting and sometimes rude. Finally, it came to the bus stop where there were SO MANY chinses ppl. Suddenly the bus was crowded with custard(?!), okay, I meant yellow people. I felt so out of place. Weird isn't it?

Me, being a chinese felt weird being among chinese. I felt so out of place, I felt like a foreigner! Crap. It only means that I'm SO used to living in this country, I have totally forgotten about other colored skin ppl besides white and black. Seriously. It's so rare to see yellow (or at least HUGE amounts of yellow). I think I've come to the point where I think I'm white. Yikes.

The custard that turned to milk! :p

another day another blog, more garbage

Another day, another blog.
I sit down today and once again, I contemplate. I contemplate about what I'm doing, and I contemplate about the people around me.
Yes. The people around me.

I do question sometimes, what makes christians different from others? If I am a christian, how am I different from the next person?
Honestly, sometimes, as heart wrecking as this sounds, I see no difference.

When I need help, both help me, christian and non-christian. (True friends of course).
When I need advice, both sit down and talk to me and give me advice. (Of course one is Godly, and one is more worldly).

There is one difference though that I see. When I make a decision (albeit wrong sometimes), there are people who insists on the opposite. Why? Even if it's not spoken,
I can tell sometimes, some people are just not happy with the decision that I make.
Okay, okay. I admit, I can be foolish sometimes, but talk to me and not behind me.
That is my pet peeve.

Having said all these, I am no better unfortunately. Another scoundrel that does exactly the same. Am I worthy to be called a christian?

Because I certainly don't act like one at the best of times.

decisions

*WARNING: Rant included in entry*

Ah decisions. Now in the midst of deciding everything, why are some of my choices being questioned? When suggestions are given, are they meant to be followed? Why are some people so persistent that their way be followed and not the person's decision respected? Am I missing out on some part of the picture? Some people not telling me the honest truth? I don't know. Am I just part guessing on what's going on?

SOMEHOW, I really really feel, that sometimes, I am to obey other people's decision and mine is not to be honored.

WHY?

I have no idea.

No questions, just orders, or hopes that someone would do something according to what you wanted them to. Am I also doing that ?

omens

I don't really believe in omens, but when I first was going to leave for Saint John, it seemed very much that it wasn't meant to be, or maybe that it was not going to be easy. First of all, I had to take the bus (yes yes, overdramatization) which was 7.5 hours in journey. Not something I look forward to especially if one is driving, it'll take about 4-5 hours. Sitting in the bus and all alone. Nice.
Then, while I was in Saint John, I arrived, thinking, yes, I'm finally in Saint John. Will be able to get some rest in a nice bed in an okay apartment, but nooooooo.... guess what? The admin people forgot to put my package which included my keys to the apt. So, for the night, I had to sleep in the ever welcoming call rooms. Plus side was I got to at least watch tv and meet some ppl I know. However, I could not shower as I did not want to pack and unpack, knowing that I will be able to move into the apts in the morning. At least, I had a good night's sleep.
The story goes on. As I report for my surgery elective, the lady at the dept was like, " Oh, I thought you were coming for another date, but it's all okay, I'll get it all arranged."
Oh oh, another round of GUESS WHAT?. Guess what?

"We're short today, is it okay if you took this as your reading day?"

!!!

"Okay, no problem." Since I had to brush up on my surgery knowledge anyway.

Well, the day passed by, and I decided to walk to Superstore to get some groceries for the next 2 weeks. 30 minute walk. I'm such an IDIOT . I could have taken the bus and saved my 1 hour of walk. Ha ha. Not the best of my ideas.
On the way home, this boy just ran up to me and started talking to me, asking me about what I do etc. When I told him I was working in the hospital, he asked me all sorts of questions. I found that to be really weird. Wasn't the kid worried about kidnapping? Or is it because Canada is so safe?

That last bit, about the kid, felt like an omen. Or God telling me something.

Everytime I walk, I think a lot, maybe God sent someone to distract me from my thoughts. I don't know. What do you people think?

.... yes, another random blog. :)

another day gone

Another day gone and I don't know what I've been up to. Haha. Just time and money wasting. Although, I must say that I got my temporary driver's license today. I'm going around to bug ppl to let me drive their car so I can practice until I go for my driver's exam. I did my written exam today, and let's just say... I almost failed. That's for deciding impulsively to read the book for one hour then take the exam. Yikes.

So those of you who have cars, pls let me drive your car with you in (while you squirm in your seat everytime I take the turn or accelerate the pedal..haha, kidding!) so that I may practice. Thanks! :)

difficult positions

We all at one point of time or rather, will encounter a difficult position. The crossroads some may say. This may or may not be that big of a cross road, but for the sake of friendship, I will say it is a big crossroad.

Ah. Decisions. Which decisions to make that will be right? Can one truly choose a path that is pleasing to all? Can we do things to please our friends and at the same time look correct in the eyes of ppl? Can we do as we say we want to do, and not just do the things we think is right, but say something else? Somewhere along the way, one of these will happen. I admit, I myself do it too. No excuses (though I have a dozen).

The answer to all this, which I have to thoroughly remind myself is, the only person I should think of pleasing is God. What I do, should only be right before God's eyes. Not that I'm saying to h*** with everyone, but I'm saying, put God first and everything follows.

"But seek first His kingddom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Matthew 6:33

Someone once told me, as a student, I am like nomad. I move from place to place and set up camp. But in each place, whether I make that place just a temporary home, and in that temporal moment, I do things for the sake of just surviving, it is meaningless and in all things, one should be more like Abraham who set up a place of worship in every place that he stopped.

So, I should make my decisions based more on a more permanent basis. In every place that I go, I need to do the purpose of God and do things that will be an act of worship to Him. My decisions, in everything, need to be pleasing to God.

leaving a sour taste in one's mouth

Yes, it's like learning a new phrase. Only, I already know this one, I'm just using it more today.

I'm talking about certain things in particular, but for the first time, this will not be a rant. I just thought it might be interesting to discuss this particular issue about resovling certain issues or even to begin with, just discussing certain issues.

How do we put things delicate enough that we don't hurt someone's feelings, or not too badly that it leaves a sour taste in one's mouth after the conversation. Do we push for something we want or do we be so soft and non demanding about things, and get run over? Or do we say something and be firm about it and let our friendship go into pieces? Or will it. I don't know.

pre exam state

The pre exam state. Stressed and worried. Well. I'm not that stressed actually. I have this strange feeling of calmness that God is in control. Just hope I don't start panicking in the morning. Haha.

I am however sick, my brothers and sisters. I have a runny nose and a cough. I think I caught it off my classmate. I'm not at my best. I do wonder if the Tylenol Cold ( acetaminophen with pseudoephedrine and dextametrophan) is somewhat making me high. Maybe not. But anyhow, if any of you read this by Sept 14, 12 noon Halifax time, please remember me in your prayers as I embark on my OSCE exam and will be taking my MCQ exam on Sat, Sept 16 at 9am. Thanks peeps. I appreciate it.
God bless.

the calm before the storm

As above. Just 3 more days. I am not prepared. Certainly, not confident. But what can I do. Procrastination and my constant malaise, has just made no room for time to study. Yes. It reminds of Christ's disciples before Jesus was arrested. Sleepy and not on guard. And why am I blogging when I should be studying?

For one, it is Sunday, and I'm supposed to be in church, praying extra hard that I pass my exams. *snigger* No. Just want to be in God's presence that's all.
But, I am in the hospital. Cause I'm on call. On emerge call. Busy call usually. Meaning no sleep today, and tired tmrw. Not a good sign at all. So after rounding on all my patients today, I thought I'd just quickly check on some things, and then, blog, and then go down to the library to study.

Preparing for the exams and thinking about my future ahead, with electives not quite totally set up yet, (3 weeks short), and so much uncertainty to where I'm going, it's certainly made me think, what does God want me to do. Timely enough, I was reading cnn.com (yes, I follow news), and there was this article about certain churches preaeching, that God wants to bless you now and you don't have to wait till you get to heaven. When I mean bless, I meant, with riches.

That is ridiculous. While it's nice to be rich, I think the ultimate blessing is to know that God is pleased with you.

It was quoted in the article, John 10:10. For all those who don't know, John 10:10 states, "The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; but I (Christ) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." In other words, to give us life more abundantly. And this was interpreted as riches on earth.

My dear friends, all I can say is this, and as funny as it may sound, when the clock is ticking, and you know you are almost at wits end because you haven't finished studying for your exams, you'll start asking yourself, what's more important?, your career or your life mission. UNLESS of course, it is intertwined.
But today, if you have the time, sit and think, and try to put into perspective, what's really important in your life: God or other things that could be false idols?

just 1 more week

As the title says, I have one more week. One more week to be able to diagnose and manage almost every common disease that there is to mankind. Right. Panic stricken? You betcha.
Wet my pants? So many times, it's a constant kiddie pool in there. (Pool and kids geddit?... hahahahaha..... )

Seriously, all said and done, I haven't had anytime to study at all. I'm tired most days, and whatever I read doesn't seem to stay in my head.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling dooowwwwnnnnn.... will you pleaaasseee pleaaasseee help meeeeee

RIght. Exam syndrome. WHeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

tired

Just 1.5 more weeks. Tired. Yet need to study. Need to push on. Hope I last. And not fade. No computer. Just me, my guitar and my ipod. Time to study.